[Nik-key]

I am wondering how to deal with bad thoughts about those you love who have taken their own life. By this I mean, strong emotion .. like thinking them a coward, anger at them for leaving etc etc

I have lost people I love, I went through the whole gamut of grief stages. I even had anger. But not deep seeded true anger. You may be mad they left you, but you KNOW it was not their fault and eventually these feelings subside. You hurt like hell, but eventually time does start to heal the wounds and you can look back on your memories with love in your heart.

I am finding this is not the case with suicide. I don't think my feelings are unique. I think most people who have lost someone they loved as deeply as I love Dad must feel these same feelings. I think the core difference is with suicide, unlike a "natural" death...... the person you love chose to leave you.

It wasn't an accident or illness etc .... God didn't call them home ….. it wasn't "their time" so you don't have that peace. There is no peace. Just the brutal truth that they, took their own life. They decided to leave you.

My Mom is dying. I am hurting beyond belief.......... but I have none of the mixed up torture that I still have over Dad taking his life. She is fighting. She is facing her pain. She is not going to rob me of precious time with her, or my chance to say goodbye. It IS hard!!!! But in such a different way than suicide.

I know part of the reason Dad's death is so hard for me is because frankly, Dad... he was more than love. He was my rock, the one person in this world I knew I could always count on. The one person when I was hurting could heal me with a hug.. a hug so tight and safe I just KNEW!!! I was going to be ok.

I need him now more than I have ever needed anyone or anything. Mom is dying, my family is in such pain.............. He should be here!! And damn it, I want to know how he could leave us like this.

My love for my Dad was so strong and true. I am ****** that he now has me thinking bad things about him. It isn't fair!! He took his life, and I am the one suffering. I now hurt so badly I can't see how one can live in this pain. But, damn it I will!!!!! His only saving grace in my heart at this moment.. is I truly believe he could not know the hell he would leave behind. Damn, this sucks!!!

[Alffe]

(((Nikki))) Sometimes I have trouble responding to you because I don't want to tell you the truth, or at least my truth. You know that I refused to talk about Michael taking his life...my husband told our friends, doctors, dentist, etc...not to try to talk to me about it because that's what I wanted. Not a good thing so I am so glad that you are talking about what you are feeling.

I finally, years after he took his life, talked about it on a public forum to complete strangers (well not complete strangers because I trusted them) and they, Pter in particular because we emailed in addition to posting, picked me up off the floor and gave me back my life.

My point is that after finally grieving properly, finally talking about it, finally learning to reach out and share what my family had to go through, and trust me....there was a LOT of anger...almost more anger than guilt..one reason I was so angry at him was because he left an 8 year old son behind....but finally I came out the other side.

I remember Michael's laughter...the joy he brought me...taking him to kindergarten and having him return home almost immediately because he wasn't ready to go there...memories came flooding back and I no longer remembered first, the way he died. And it will be 19 years ago this coming Jan. 23 or 24th..

But!! and this is the part I don't want to tell you....last year, when that grown up son had a son of his own....Michael would have been a grandpa and I became a great grandma....all that anger came rushing back..it enraged me and while I have calmed down some...it still infuriates me to think of what he is missing....what we all are missing.

(((Nikki))) Just keep being honest with yourself and know that we are here for you.

[tamiloo]

Nikki I'm not sure what to say...anger is a part of all of it. Anger if directed in the right way can sometimes be a healing emotion. Yes you really need your Dad right now.
He needs to be there to help you through this.

My Dad was my best friend for most of my life. He has been gone for four years…he left peacefully. Mom is living with me now and sometimes she makes so angry I just want to spit…I go outside and say d*** it Dad I can’t do this. Most of the time once I voice my anger I will feel a calming come over me letting me know that all is well…that my Father in Heaven is at the helm.

I know if I don't get past the anger, and I mean go to a thrift store and buy piles of plates and go somewhere and break them I will stay angry. Then is when the peace comes for me. The anger will pop up now and again but not so much that it doesn't pass as quickly as it came to mind.

I still have anger toward my ex-husband for what he did to some very precious members of my family. I don’t think that anger will ever go away for me. I will start a thread about this at another time…this is Nikki’s thread.

When I’m in an anger mode I feel that it is the adversary trying to trip me up and make me be a different person than I really am. I’m told that I’m a kind sweet person and you are every bit of all that and more. ”I’m just going to say it out loud”…Satan what’s you to fail. He wants you to totally go away from who you are and who you will become. He wants all that you have because he can’t have it. By this I mean the love you feel for others good memories, any physical things you have and can feel he wants because he can’t have ever have them. That’s his war…that’s why myself I have to pull back and just shack him off. Pray for the strength to be stronger than him.

One thing I hate though is when a woman is mad for some darn reason we cry!!! Then I get mad because it made me cry. My Olhipie tells me I wear my emotions on my shirt sleeve.

I don’t know if any of this helps, it’s just my way of coping. Again Nikki I love you so much and wish there weren’t so many miles between us.

Yes we do need to feel all the emotions of loss and anger is one of those emotions. Right now I’m back to the remorse and scared of what will happen next.

All I can say is pray for peace. It is in my daily prayers…peace is such a wonderful thing to have but not always easily obtained.

Dang it Nikki I love you so much and hate that you are going through this time in your live alone…not totally alone…you know that your never alone.

[lou_lou]

dear one,
I am so sorry you have such heartwrenchng pain - for those of us who have been through it, it is always hard and no one has the same experience, or
any type of procedure to go by, God however loves, God is love, we need
time alone with God... for God is close to the brokenhearted

perhaps reading this may help abit -
http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnar...php?rec_id=266

[Alffe]

Whatever your beliefs are about afterlife, you probably believe that death bings relief from pain and suffering for the person who dies, if not for his loved ones. To help you comprehend how a tormented mind may long for the peace that death can bring, we leave you with the words of the poet Algernon Swinburne:

From too much love of living
From hope and fear set free,

We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever Gods may be

That no life lives forever
That dead men rise up never;

That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.


Healing After The Suicide of a Loved One

by Ann Smolin, C.S.W. & John Guinan, PH.D

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) Without getting too mushy You are the reason I am here. I came and spilled my guts........... I HAD to let it out before it killed me. Everyone here was just wonderful, but you reached me. I knew you truly knew my pain. You thought things I was sure no one else on earth but me had ever felt. You ALL made me feel safe, but Alffe, you made me feel I too could survive. Don’t be afraid to tell me the truth, I would appreciate the heads up! It is a HUGE relief to know others truly understand what I am going through, and that I am not alone in these thoughts that haunts me. There just are not words to thank someone for such a gift, you have touched my heart and I just think the world of you

((Tammy)) you are such a loving soul Thank you for always being such a great support to me. Your dish idea sounded fantastic!!! Thing is, I was sooooooooo ******... I didn't wait to go to a thrift store, and ended up going out in the woods, just screaming like a mad women and busting my "good" plates against the trees... and damn but it felt good!!!! THANK YOU!!!

((CTenaLouise)) you always post such uplifting messages.... "we need
time alone with God... for God is close to the brokenhearted" We had time alone today... thank you

Love and hugs to everyone Nikki

[Alffe]

Mr.Alffe and I were talking about you last night Nikki (were your ears burning..*grin) and naturally our Michael came up in the conversation and our early grief...where we are now, etc. (it's always good to talk about it)

When I said "I'll always feel that I should have known...Michael and I were so close, so much alike that I should have known" he completely surprised me by understanding that.

There is nothing I can do about that....we can't change the past..it is what it is, and I accept that. And I think a large part of "going down memory lane" is just a natural part of putting ones house in order, and it is January.

And I like "mushy".... I haven't had my coffee yet and it's Sunday morning and I have no church however I have said my prayers. You were included in them.

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) I imagine anniversary dates are one thing time can't take away......I will be saying extra prayers for you and your family I see that the feeling we should have known never truly goes away either........ I long for the time when .... "memories came flooding back and I no longer remembered first, the way he died." Thank you Alffe

[Nik-key]

For the very first time .. today I was able to share a memory about my Dad without also talking about the way he died. It felt wonderful. Course I came home and cried my heart out later.. but for that brief moment, it was such a treasure to just remember the man he was. And such an amazing man he was!!

[Alffe]

I'm so happy you were able to do this Nikki. It will get easier as the time passes....I promise you. You are a remarkable woman.