maybe... it IS time for a change.

i feel let down.

even... dare i say a bit neglected?

Dear Waves,
Thank you much for your post.

The doc relies on your knowing what is going on.
It's the established relationship between the two.

My own pdoc and I have a sitatution that goes with our being too used to each other that is not exactly helpful because of that.

This is why you need to talk to him.
You can call him back.

Certainly you will call him in two days (one day?).

I'm late for work.
Need to wash hair.
Rather, just run out to car and drive to work at this point.



I hope that you can manage your day.
Find a way to get through the day.
Can you find out more about opportunity for facilities for yourself.
Would that be something you can do on your own?
M.

maybe he is not as concerned about he seizure threshold stuff and more concerned about getting you better and recognizing that you really don't want to take the zyprexa due to weight gain potential. Yes why did he not talk about starting the Z yesterday????
Do you feel that you are in a mixed mood rightnow?
bizi

Waves

I get the idea that the doc believes you did what you felt was best for you.
So it was second nature to say it would be okay. So that if you chose to
do the opposite it would be okay too.

I'm not sure but I personally see you making good choices.

Donna

Hi Waves,

It's good to see you posting to other threads. I hope this means you're starting to feel a little more engaged with the world again.

Cheers

Bizi

RIGHT!!! EXactlY!. i am upset that pdoc did not take initiative to suggest Zyprexa when i was a mess right in his office.

i don't think this is a mixed mood... i don't really know but it isn't like any before: i don't feel terribly depressed. i feel very pent up, confused, verrrrry anxious, very wound up, hyper-reactive, very short fuse, cry at drop of hat for anything mildly emotional (good or bad), and tired with trouble sleeping. any "energy" i have is all very under the skin - i do not feel active, i do not feel good about getting out and about. i am not dysphoric but i can get into hysterics rather easily.

i think the Wellbutrin is causing it but if i can medicate over it would be best since i can't go back to an SSRI for the moment and am afraid of clean depression. Lamictal is also out.

Mari,

i am not a doctor and in this case needed a "safety clearance" as to whether Zyprexa was ok given my med situation. HIS unconcern w/ seizure risk is fine (hopefully accurate). But, see initial note to Bizi. Leaving things in his court, i would have gone on another week the way i was and worsening. THAT upsets me, not his focus on my preferences. It's also his job to monitor me and intervene if i present a FREAKING MESS (and that by his own admission now).

i think you might have it right about a pattern. he is perhaps so used to my own tweaking he sits on his laurels, but when i present the way i did... whatever i am doing is clearly not therapeutic , right??? i mean... sheeshhh!

i cannot handle confrontations right now. i will call him Friday for regarding the meds - only.

Donna,

thank you for your expression of confidence in my ability to make decent choices. Generally i know enough to do so, and when i do not, i call the doc like this time. The upsetting part/feeling neglected part is the lack of initiative when i start to get really ill - at which times i might not do tweaks.

Hockey,

sorry to disappoint you but posting to other threads or not right now does not reflect any sense of engagement on my part or lack thereof. it does not reflect much sense at all. it is just sporadic and spontaneous. however i do thank you for the implicit wish within your hopeful deduction. i should tell you i am not so disengaged i suppose.

i have a hard time DOING THINGS in general. often posting to THIS thread is hard too even if helpful. but the worst is i wish the head junk would stop.

and again

~ waves ~ who took ambien and woke up after 4 hours grr here we go again.

Dear Waves,

Keep trying.

Yes, I think we get the picture. You can draw it for us if you want. I am happy to read it. But we get the picture well enough from you to see that the situation is untenable and intolerable. At a point you expect to have yourself living your own life -- that seems what you are saying. This is how you will save yourself.

Yeah, I can see the horror at needing the expertise AS WELL AS the initiative of the pdoc and not "feeling it" as the kids say.
If you were slightly less on top of things you would really need more gumption from him. In your leaky boat, he is there with you -- while you bail. Hello. You need more leadership from him.
But at the moment you two are making it work as a team, and I am grateful to hear that.


I hope the Depakote works too.
I'm trying to keep up with my own calendar.
I can remember that you will talk to him on (your) Fri about whether you need to add Zyprexa beyond the already added Depakote increase.

You know, if you do not want to do it in this phone call you still might need to remind him (at some point) of the degree of how poorly you are doing. I'm going to guess that he has a fair picture now, but he will need a better picture if you need him to dig deeper.

Can he consulate a colleague about your case?
Docs don't do it here and even when they do it doesn't go well. Still, in theory, it works.

Get some better days.
I'm pulling for you.
M.

Dear Waves,

I admire your tenacity in the face of all the challenges. I don't think I could be as strong. Whether you know it or not - you're amazing.

Dear Waves,
It's Friday.
'Wondering if you made the call to the pdoc and if you feel any better about how much he is paying attention.

Take care.
Be ok.
M.

Dear Hockey,

You're a dear. It's true, i don't feel strong at all.

Dear Mari,

thanks for remembering.

actually i thought about things in between.

i called pdoc and told him, not for the first time, that this dosage of Wellbutrin did not seem to address depressive sx, and hat in the months I've taken it i've always felt crummy one way or another, with exception of a few days here and there. While it may not be causing my tension / anxiety etc, i sense that it is exacerbating these sx 10-fold. He agreed. i told him i can't quite put my finger on it but i feel the Wellbutrin is not doing right by me and want to suspend, and could i?

outcome/response:

stop Wellbutrin
continue Depakote 1g qPM
continue delorazepam (benzo) 2mg qPM
hold off on Zyprexa.

PRN benzo's (but avoid if possible)
Lorazepam (anxiolytic) for anxiety &/or sleep
- or -
Lormetazepam (mid-acting hypnotic & anxiolytic) for sleep

he said to see if i feel better without the Wellbutrin and with the increased Depakote. I've only been on 1g for 3 days so I thought i could go back to 800mg Depakote but he said let's not change too much. He also thought between more mood stabilizer and dropping Wellbutrin i might not need Zyprexa. This at least provided evidence that he wasn't just being a yes-man to all i said.

today has already been the second day minus Wellbutrin because yesterday i forgot, and today i talked to the doc before taking it. i am also having less coffee - tea instead - which i think helps.

I suspect my sporadic though painful depressive sx in recent months are more secondary to anxiety and to specific triggers, rather than manifestations of true depression. In this case, antidepressants will not help.

=================

i won't be able to handle any confrontation until i am calmer - re: that "i would appreciate a more active participation/input from him" in my med management, while i do value the fact that he trusts me because of my knowledge of the meds, and my caution when i am uncertain....

already is too much in the air right now, what with the residence and disability stuff too.

if things get messy i'll go to the pdoc who did my exemption, make some excuse about my pdoc not being available, and get a fresh evaluation from her: these are my meds, this is how i feel, doc what do i do?

~ waves ~