Dear Waves,

Well this really stinks that the pdoc is not going to be the one to get you through this particular thing.

On a few occasions in my life, one or the other of my parents has come through for me. Usually, they disappoint. But sometimes one will hear for that moment and for that crisis. And sometimes that person does not hear the whole thing but does get enough to help me.

Any chance that one parent could hear you? And help you in a way that you need for this?

This sounds lonely.

An old pdoc? Tdoc?

Could it be of temporary help right now to try something -- different? Anything different (and safe)?
. . . like spending some time in a different part of town doing something different to kind of get you out of yourself for the time being? . . . and so on . . . something different.

Can you ask for more leeway / consideration / forbearance from them right now while this is happening?

(And yes, I see from these posts that you are not talking about a one time crisis necessarily but a lot of frustration due to long term processes.)
Still, you could benefit from their help through the crisis. Push them a little harder. They might come through for you.

(I'm not going to type any more.
I'm start to not make sense.)

Mostly I am posting here to tell you that I hope that you are going to be all right soon.

M.

we have to learn to feel compassion for ourselves..............that is one path..i don't know really how to do it. i guess when we feel compassion for another we can try to transfer those feelings onto us. I think we are in the same boat..maybe if we feel compassion for each other then transfer it onto ourselves lol....
love
bobby

my therapist challenged me to do some body work.
look at yourself in the mirror and love yourself...
well I could not do that...so instead I tried at night in the dark to really think about my body instead of saying I hate my body that way it is....
I started to think about parts of my body that I love. I started with my findger nailsand then my fingers and then my toes, as I thought about each body part I gently massaged each part and it felt good.
while I was doing this I was able to find other areas that I loved like my ears and my toes and ankles and wrists and forearms the smoothness of the skin I love and it felt great to lightly touch/massage each area.
there was no judging because It was dark and jeff was asleep. it was very helpful in my body image stuff/work. Then I naturally went on to apologizing to my different body parts that I have abused over the years.(all 10 of my fingers have had bandaids on them before they all healed just one cuticle has any signs of damage)
It was very affirming.
I would encourage this...I think alot of us have body image stuff going on.
bizi

hi guys...

i am here. here i am. alive. and none the worse for wear even though i have to keep reminding myself to breathe (i keep holding my breath, lorazepam already taken and i can't exaggerate).

thank you all. i read each of your posts. i am just in tears - not bad ones, just touched. by every single one. the advice, the hugs, the little notes, every single one of you... thank you.

i probably won't address everything right now. i have too much buzzing in my head.

================ PDOC / PSYCH RESOURCES

oh. about the pdoc potentially notifying parents of suicide risk - that would be legal obligation at his discretion - NOT "passing the buck."

i had a session today. got the time wrong and when i rang to be let in he told me i was early but erroneously confirmed the time i gave him... so i totally broke down. got cleared up but the session was awful. i cannot recover quickly. i am embarrassed about it now. i might have to rehash my emotional reaction with him next time. i am really afraid too.

for the rest. while i trying to get back into one piece and trying to express why this was "such a tragedy" when everything was sorted and "OK now," i told him i was not ok when i arrived and he said he heard it in my voice when i rang up. (well DUHH then. ok never mind.) i started by telling him, "the folks on the forum want me in the hospital, or doing daily therapy type things or group therapy - they don't realize that here the latter two aren't readily available, so that basically leaves hospital/residence." he got very serious looking and asked WHY. i told him all about my downspiral from being triggered and my lookups and conjectures as to methods and my realization that it was all out of the question because i am incapable of getting through some technical issues first (testament), i am afraid of failing (eg end up paralyzed with severe brain damage but lucid), but that ultimately i would be afraid to proceed due to spiritual crises over WRONGNESS and specific religious fears/notions.

he was concerned and said i should still not underestimate this. he suggested a residential solution might not be bad for a while if we could meet certain conditions (need internet access to look for work.)

afterwards, i wondered, does that mean he would be "dumping me" onto the residence? is that what he wants... i don't know. but really i think he was thinking in terms of the residential facility his clinic runs - next door to the inpatient facility i went to before. i would be able to still meet with him there. but i have these doubts that he wants me to go to my local one... and about doing so.

i may make an appointment at the state center where i get my exemption. that would be doing something different. the pdoc who interviewed me for my exemption was very kind. i liked her. now if only i could remember her name. and say my pdoc is unavailable for some time and i am having problems.

i would love to talk to my old tdoc. but she is not comfortable doing phone with me. she is in California. that is 9 hours time difference and a privacy problem since i have to talk from home - cell would be too expensive and i could only pay for a few mins a month. hmmm. a friend bought me a phone card. i wonder if it works with cell. but still does not resolve the not face-to-face bit. she is a very soothing person. i think of her a lot. i wonder if she is still alive as she was rather elderly when i left.

================ MEDS

i figured out some things. i need to keep the coffee down EVEN if i'm so tired it hurts and i (still) can't sleep. it WOULD be helpful to take Zyprexa. however, as i am under benzo reduction, it would be imprudent. so, as of tonight, i raised my other mood stabilizer (Depakote) from 800mg to 1000mg. i will call pdoc tomorrow to report/verify this action. If he feels Zyprexa will not be too great a sz risk with the benzo reduction, i may do that instead. I think it would be much more effective and faster... on the other hand Depakote will not throw mondo kilos (and i mean KILOS (1kg = 2.2lbs!!!) on me at the speed of light, like Zyprexa will. The way i am i would need it for a 7-10 days. that would be a 5 kilo gain most likely. YES, THAT FAST.

============== PARENTS / SUPPORT

i was quaky tonight and my parents know i was looking at med interactions and that i am in the midst of changes. i had told them 2 weeks ago when i started reducing the benzo (before the fights, btw) that i might be b****ier than usual due to it... but my pill dosages are not something easy for them to be mindful, esp. if i seem "ok" most of the time. (i should put a henna mark on my forehead as a reminder or something! )

but now, tonight, when i said the Zyprexa word to my mother - she knows that's the big guns, ya know? so i think they both get that i am going through something here. i told them emotional hypersensitivity and inability to work through things emotionally as quickly as usually (things hang on me) and said i really could not explain and i was sorry.

my mother actually came out to blow me another goodnight kiss after i had already been by their room for the nightly exchange. and she said we are going to sleep now, but if you need anything wake us up. and she is sick with a cold too. that was very nurturing of her. unusually so. so she knows i am really NOT OK.

i am scared of talking to pdoc i feel so weird about today and so afraid about everything.

then. heck. breathe. ok.

========================= JOB

oh. job. yes. i want to address this. this is the #2 priority for me right now. (#1 is feeling as ok as i can as much as possible, which includes getting sleep whenever that happens to be.)

pdoc is on same page as me regarding my having a job... having a job will help me more than it will hurt me. we have spent many sessions on this. the longer i am unemployed the more terrible and worthless i tend to feel, and it is increasingly terrifying too, to know that my marketability erodes as more time slips by.

ok, pdoc actually suggested residence because he wonders if my home situation could be emotionally toxic to the point of preventing me from breaking through on the job front. the hunt is activated / suspended intermittently based on situation: migraines/consistent mood disturbance (i do not send apps), the economy (no suitable offers), or lack of response when i HAVE sent apps.

right now there is an offer out there which is a really good fit for me. i can manage to interview - tweaked with lorazepam and caffeine if nec. -and negotiate the start date for later on (they need someone by end of year).

well. that's the report here. now it is 3am and i think i will try to sleep.

thank you all so much for being here for me.

~ waves ~ grateful for your keeping me afloat

Waves, I wonder if the benzos and caffeine are combatible with each other? Whenever I took an Ativan and drank a lot of coffee it made me feel out of the norm.

I am so very glad that you are still with us of course. Keep reaching out as that usually helps. And many more hugs for you. I hope that you will feel better soon.

Barbara

Dear WAVes,
I am hoping that you are sleeping by now and that it is restful.
I hear what struggles you are having, you have explained your self very well. I am sorry it is so hard right now for you.
I was happy to hear that your folks might be on the same page for a bit and that she was nurturing to you.
I like that alot.
So there is a residential place that you might beable to go to?
ARe you or is your pdoc looking into that? when do you see him again?
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Waves,
I'm glad that you are alive.
This counts. I mean that.
It is kind of you to respond to us. But maybe it is helpful for you too.

Yes, I understood that. I felt maybe there was a trust issue or maybe that he did not have resources to send you that were a level up from what he has to offer you during the appts.
But it doesn’t matter now, because it does seem that you got clear with him – to the degree possible to get with any one.

. . . Interesting that you mentioned us. Perhaps it was good that you shared the feedback you were getting from here. You have a a team on your side. Remember that.

This sounds so hard for you. Sorry.

Yes. This was an important conversation to have. I hope that you understand that I can’t really respond regarding your research and such – it’s something I can’t talk too much about – one of my issues – one of my things / triggers I guess. I do hear you.


This is good that you are making plans for residency – you might not need the services because you might come to a turn around with the mood but you can make specific plans about the facility and the resources. While you are clear head as much as you can be and while you have him to talk to. And it seems you still want more information.

Good! A second option if necessary . . .I'm happy to know that you met a kind pdoc.

The told pdoc in CA might be worth a phone call if you can arrange it. But if the logistics and so forth did not work, you might be disappointed and not better off. Still, go with your gut.

OK. Now that you have figured out the caffeine situation, stop drinking it for now.

Hold on. You mentioned benzos in the last post too. Are you going through a med change (and a benzo reduction at that) ?? Whoa. Yuck.
I feel comfortable about the raised Depakote. And do confirm with the pdoc.

I guess I do not know anything about Zyprexa and about what it can't go with benzos. It's ok. I'll catch up. Lowering benzos can risk seizures so in your mentioning Zyprexa I'm guessing seizure risk is relevant.

Regarding parents:
I think for most of us, the dosages / tweaks / changes are not easy for folks who live with us to keep up with unless we practically write it down for them because we do go through many dose changes that are not too big deal (for them ) most of the time. . . . . all the more reason to point out to them that this is a big deal this time. . . and that you need them to be attuned to you.
A henna mark would work. So would would wearing a sign or taping one to the wall.


I looked this up. I'm weird. 'Scuse me.
http://india.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_indian_bindi
I'm going to interpret this to mean that the mark offers a degree of protection -- never mind that I did not exactly spend time on a big search -- But I can ascribe meaning to a mark if I want to.

Your mother coming out of her room shows that she gets it -- a least to a degree.


This was a good talk you had with him.
It was important.
'OK to feel weird and afraid.
=-=-=-=-=

Yeah, I can see how in families that have someone one who uses Zyprexa, the word can bring the situation into focus in case the family member has not been listening real hard.

Does he think that the toxic environment is keeping you from moving forward? That you are blocked? Is "blocked" the right word? Maybe "blocked" is not strong enough but is it descriptive?

Hey, this sounds like a plan -- to negotiate a start date for later.

And keep doing what you are doing to keep yourself afloat. You are going through heroic struggles. Keep giving yourself permission to breathe.

Mari

Dear Waves,
The pdoc appt. was an important part of your week.
What are you doing tomorrow / today / Wednesday?

Do you have any routines for yourself that you can draw upon?
Music? Journalling?
Sitting outside (not good weather yet. and maybe not a good spot). I'm wishing you could go be outside the apt. But maybe not necessary but maybe necessary.

When I was young, I was able to go see a movie and get caught up in it for 90 mins. I was completely absorbed and out of myself. (In fact an under grad professor who was a jerk told me he did used that techniaque for himself and mentioned it to me. -- so maybe he was able to be helpful to me)

I went to see the movie Platoon after it had been in the theater a long time and was ready to leave town. I found it at a dollar theater so I could go some where after a root canal.
I wanted violence and lots of sounds. It wouldn't work now. And the theaters are smaller now and less accommodating to one trying to enter a different world for a little while.

Mostly. And I mean for real:
Do what you can to be kind to yourself.
Be patient.
Be forgiving.


M.

hi everyone. wow. already answered me. thanks.

i just woke up. i think i slept better than usual. i think between the lorazepam and the extra depakote.

i want to say, yes it does help to write things out here because it helps me collect my thoughts. and at the same time it presents them to all of you who might have feedback - as indeed some of you do. but i know even if you do not have ideas, that you "hear" me in a way that others do not, so that alone is helpful.

just a few observations to clarify things i said:

benzo's and caffeine are "compatible." they work differently. they do have different effects. i did NOT intend taking them simultaneously! one OR the other as needed. However, in a pinch, caffeine can help if you get too sedated by a lorazepam peak, and viceversa, lorazepam can counteract jumpiness from excess caffeine. realize i am always under benzo effect (daily 2mg of delorazepam (n/a US) and i do drink coffee.

My PDOC IS ALSO MY THERAPIST - SAME PERSON.

i see him EVERY WEEK, for an hour.

there may be exceptions - eg he is on vacation/away or one of us is ill.

CLINICS and old TDOC:

1. pdoc's clinic.
he works in the clinic/hospital where i had been inpatient. it has a separate residential program in which he does not work. however, i met a pdoc while inpatient that works there, and i thought she was on the ball (and nice) - i could request her as my admitting physician.

i love the grounds. i even ran there (pre-injury). it was autumn so it was gorgeous. there was a niche in a far corner of the garden and i would drag a chair there to sit alone, or play guitar / sing sometimes. i felt free to do that because i was not causing disturbance. (quite frankly i also played IN the clinic a few times and had quite an accolade on those occasions by both patients and nurses that were around. LOL)

problem: at the time i lived in a different town. the hospital was not even real close to that town. from here, it is 3-4 hours away. that makes it difficult to come home and get a change of clothes etc. i do not believe they have internet if they allow dialup i cannot afford it, but anyway they did not while i was there. ok, i could make a weekly run home, change/wash clothes, and download job ads (like there's not more than 3-4 new ones per week that i'm qualified for anyway). do any custom writeups offline at the residence, and send off following week from home/parents'.

but what if someone wants to interview? then the travel time to get to the interview could make planning problematic.

2. state clinic. this is the same place as the "local clinic" i referred to where i got my exemption and met the nice pdoc. they are not 2 separate places. and there is a residential program there. it would be much closer to me (20 mins) but i am afraid if i go there, i will "lose" my pdoc. i am afraid of discussing this with him.

3. California tdoc (NOT PDOC - she is an MS in counseling). i already DID talk to her several years ago about phone counseling when i was in a tizzy. she said she would let me know but did not hear back, however she had already pretty much made clear she was not for it.

==========

being blocked. my pdoc doesn't think i'm blocked... he knows it... because i finally got it through to him (it was hard). i have a resistance problem. about doing anything. that includes job hunting, clearing up, showering, singing, creating, leaving the house, just about freaking anything. this is exacerbated hugely (but not created) by being with parents and having no privacy. this is somewhat toxic.

the toxic aspect is more about their arguing very loudly (with each other), the emotional triggers here, the sense of obligation/expectation whether it is there or not, the mixed signals about acceptance/resentment of my illness(es), my space, my rights, my limitations, my abilities, etc, and often when i am in the job application phase, the grand slams "so, you really plan on doing this job if you get it? you couldn't hold the other ones. you should forget about getting a job until you are well" - i withdraw... here there is not just a block in play but pain. and i get emotionally paralyzed which is different than my "regular" problem.

i think trying to explain further without sending you a 2 week candid camera of what goes on here would not be of further help.

ok those are my thoughts for now. and plenty. i am so longwinded.

now i am wondering what bindi design i can put on my forehead to indicate benzo withdrawal... a B? a nice OM symbol, perhaps (not to be confused with ohm/omega). dunno about interviewing with that either however.

oh. it's after 11. i can call pdoc about the meds. he will have finished rounds.

thanks for all the support. i will keep doing best i can.



~ waves ~

Pdoc figures it would be ok to take Zyprexa. (yes, my issue as to taking it w/o consultation this time was in fact increased seizure risk - benzo reduction lowers sz threshold, so do neuroleptics, AND Wellbutrin lowers sz threshold by 4%.)

I told pdoc i felt i needed a med tweak. Told him of recent benzo reduction - currently holding while the level stabilizes (he agreed on that). Then told him i had wanted to take Zyprexa last night. He said after seeing me yesterday he thinks it would be a good idea.

DUH. So why didn't HE SUGGEST it. YESTERDAY?



So, then i backpedal and tell him that i was concerned about seizure risk in adding Zyprexa with a benzo reduction ongoing, so instead i upped my Depakote last night knowing it wouldn't hurt me and adding that it wouldn't make me fatter either.

He was good with trying that but he said, weight issue regardless, if i do not improve in 2-3 days I should go to Zyprexa. I am to call him Friday.

I hope the Depakote works.

Off to watch Charmed rerun...

~ waves ~ irritated that he didn't take more initiative on the meds... now i bring it up and suddenly it seems like the end of the world if i don't take Zyprexa should the Depakote not help.... HELLLLO???? where was he yesterday when i was sitting across from him just as messed up or worse?