[waves]

Hi guys.

Well. I was getting nauseous with anxiety thinking about going to therapy today. So just now i called and cancelled. to think i was worried about cancelling "late" . this is as late as it gets! except for perhaps missing the bus.

I didn't actually talk to my pdoc. it is 1.30pm here - lunchtime. i left voice mail. i know i sounded guilty as sin which is how i feel too. I said i was sorry for the late notice but i just couldn't make it to therapy today, and repeated, "i just can't make it." no specifics. i did not want to make up some excuse. and i doubt he will think i am physically ill because if i were, i would typically state my ailment. so i believe he will figure it is emotional in some way.

i left off saying forgive me, and i am really sorry, then used a generic term for being in touch soon that doesn't imply who should initiate. so, he may decide to call me to see what is up, but i think he will probably leave it up to me.

now on top of nauseous i feel like a dirty rat. i am glad i am not going though. i think i will eat something. it might quell the stomach.

~ waves ~ the wimp

[waves]

i shook my head. he said you sure? i shook my head again.

i have been watching/listening to youtube vids. the last one was a tribute for Syd Barrett. actually the very last one was the G-o-d / D-o-g song posted on the music thread.

i am crying now so i will do something else.

like eat more or something. i feel so awkward.

~ waves ~

[befuddled2]

Waves, try not to feel too guilty. I believe we all need some time to ourselves at moments. I'm not sure of the reason you didn't want to go but the way I think it is I've been there. Tell yourself over and over and prepare mentally to make it a next appointment. If you didn't go because there might be issues between you and therapist then that is a different story.

Waves

befuddled2

[waves]

thank you for the comforting words and the hugs . yes the fact is there are issues in the relationship right now. or actually on how therapy is being done and negative impact on me. there was some discussion of it in the job-ad thread, because it kind of spun off from my talking with him about my application. but it brought up some general anger about his way of "applying" CBT.

anyway, i have been very emotional and i got really emotional last time. angry with him.

~ waves ~

[waves]

i got called away for dinner so never got to post this or my answer to Barbara (written around 5pm my time)

i just got a call from my pdoc wondering where i was. my appointment was at 4.30. turns out, MY VOICEMAIL DIDN'T GET THERE! AACKKK!!! i was shaking like a leaf talking to him. i told him i didn't have the flu or a migraine or anything, that i just couldn't handle doing therapy today. and i said even if he had got my voicemail, i only left it at lunchtime and was sorry about cancelling so late but i had not foreseen feeling this bad about going.

i was stammering on the phone. he said not to worry. we left it at getting in touch soon, nothing specific, no appointment at this time.

i feel a bit better after having talked to him in person. perhaps it was a boon that the voicemail didn't get there, or he probably would not have called.

i do not know when i will be ready to see him. i need a break even though i do feel less angry.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

Yes, I'm glad you stayed home.
The nausea was a clue that your body had something to say.
When I have an appt change like that I stay upset for a while.

I hope that you will be ok.
Don't worry about the pdoc. He doesn't have bipolar. He'll manage.

Mari

[befuddled2]

Waves, I'm sorry I missed the discussion about your therapist in the job thread. I have trouble with being able to read to keep up with everything. I am worried that I may be in the early stages of alheimzers as hard as it is for me to focus and remember.

I wish I knew what to tell you about the issues you have with the therapist. I am not good with handling issues with people so I haven't a clue what to say.

I wish you well. I do want to say that communicating your concerns with the therapist might be good but I don't know. I know that lack of communication is worse than good communication from personal experience.

befuddled2

[waves]

I hope you don't have Alzheimers! trouble concentrating / focusing can come from many things. including such simple things as STRESS, ANXIETY, and DEPRESSION. and when we aren't well focused/concentrated on something, we aren't able to remember it, so we "seem" to have memory deficits, but the origin is actually the concentration problem. if you are seriously concerned about the Alzheimers please speak to your mdoc about it. there are meds to slow its progression.

-------

i agree with what you said about communication. what i said to my pdoc today on the phone is the most i can deal with right now. the issues are too fresh/upsetting for me right now, so a confrontation will not yet be helpful, because it will be too painful / upsetting to me... which would just aggravate the situation.

i need time to settle down and also to determine what i actually need to address. when i am this emotional where small things upset me and the upsetness lingers... the issues are clouded. with time i will gain perspective to on what needs to be sorted out, what is simply the lay of the land, and what were transient things of no real consequence.

right now i do not know if i have come to the end of the line with my pdoc or if things can be sorted, and to what extent i have overreacted to what.

when i am clearer i will make an appointment and go from there.

even if i should decide to terminate, rest assured i will see him and discuss it with him... my reasons/feelings etc. he may have things to say which will cause me to change my mind, or not. either way there will be no mysteries. if i leave it will be on good terms and clear ones. i already had one disastrous parting with a therapist and i don't care to repeat that mistake ever. that wasn't all my fault, but i did have my share of responsibility in it.

~ waves ~

[befuddled2]

Waves,

It sounds like you already know a good way to handle it. I am glad.

I think I will say something to my mdoc about my fear of alheimzers. I didn't know that there are meds to slow it down. I've started to call Bobby every name like Billy, Gilly, Tommy, but Bobby for the past few weeks. It could very well be due to stress, depression, or anxiety though. I'm trying to exercise my mind with doing some work out of my HTML book. I've been trying to figure out why a graphic is not uploading to the browser. All day of on and off again working on it and it was not in the <img> tag but because I typed in the wrong thing for <title>

befuddled2

[waves]

It sound to me like distraction (lack of focus) more than memory. but yes, do talk to your mdoc anyway. it is a sign you are not completely up to par. she can evaluate you further. maybe do some testing. perhaps you could use a tweak in your meds, or she may want to suggest supplements (can be helpful for stress), or further testing... you should bring it up. it does sound pretty wacky.

HTML can be so frustrating. you know, if you forget the end tag </table> in a table... the whole table just doesn't show up. it is really freaky when you are editing a table that was already working, and you delete the end tag accidentally... suddenly the whole page is blank. the first few times this happened to me i was ripe to take a hammer to the computer. of course, in trying to figure out the problem, i would focus on the stuff i "edited" - never occurred to me i'd wiped a line accidentally.... or that the effect would be so DRASTIC. argghhh!

on the other hand, you can completely avoid using </tr> end tags on rows in a table - it doesn't give a rat's behind... it "assumes" row end as soon as it sees the next <tr> or the end of the table. ahh, the delights of HTML programming. so consistent it is. and of course it behaves differently on the different browsers, and different OS's so to be sure your page is good you have to test PC with explorer (a few back versions - they all act different) and Firefox. Safari on the Mac, and i think it's called Thunderbird (it's Mozilla) on Linux. UGGHHH. But wait till you get to do some CSS - then the real fun starts!

i really appreciate your being here for me today. it seems like not many folks were around, and this thing really stressed me out.

thank you so much.

~ waves ~