I am not going to be specific about the details, but my ex and I had a rough end of our marriage. He did things to me he didn't realise were wrong until much later in life. sigh. Any way.

I have little boughts of freak out when things happen in the present that remind me of those horrible times with him. And of course the present has nothing to do with him what-so-ever. So I have learned to cut off the panic and redirect. Seems to have worked.

Until I had an argument with him during Wes's last mania. I can't talk to him. I can't see him. I can't hear his voice and I can barely stand to have any one talk about him. He pulled a control thing on me and I flipped completely. Bad panic attacks.

So my husband has banned the ex from setting foot in the house. (I finally came clean with hubby about some of the finer points of my last marriage and I think that influenced his decision greatly.) Now I am getting flack from he and his wife that I am being unreasonable and putting the children in the middle of a fight.

What fight? I am not angry with him or punishing him. I am avoiding him and making the boys plan their own time with him. They are old enough to have their own relationship with him and it should have absolutely nothing to do with me. I back up their discipline they have set in their house, even though it conflicts with mine here. I listen to what the kids say they want and never stand in the way of any visitation what-so-ever. The only thing I have done is told the kids that it is their choice to go to dads. And once they have decided to go there, I will not come pick them up or bail them out if the adults there loose their minds, drink too much and pick a fight. I will not be put in the middle of that. But the boys will either choose not to go if they can see crapola is gonna hit the fan or that they can deal and choose to go. I told the boys I can't see their dad because my head is all screwed up and that I can't take care of their health if I am sick.

But since I won't let the ex in the house, I am "keeping the kids from him and denying him visitation." Who the explitive said he had the right to be in my house and take his visitation here? Really. It is not his right to have free access to my home or to me.

And his wife says I am being unreasonable and that the little tift wasn't that bad and the ex didn't mean it. He just said stuff. (I bet. Doesn't sound too far off base. Usual behavior)

But the point is I divorced him over 10 years ago. I do not have to put up with his ...insert bad word here....any more. I LEFT him. I RAN from him.

He should never be able to control, hurt, or touch me ever again. Yet he seems to think these things are his right as the kids father.

Am I being unreasonable? Should he have access to my home, thus having access to me? (Right now, the thought of him even touching me sets me off, and makes me physically ill.)

And why oh why do I continue to let him control me and let him give me panick attacks and let him do this crap to me? I do not understand myself.

Bobi would say it is the martyr in me. Help me kick that martyr out because it is really making me sick.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"Mrs Bear I get it,
Been there done that. Bad marriage, panic attack from an abuser stalker , my brother that started back up again the last week. I developed the panic anxiety disorder from this three yeas of stalking harassment and adult/childhood assaults.. In both cases when he was trespassing harassing me, I became so flustered and couldn't "Think" I had fight or flight and in my own private area he chased me and I had to run...I could have taken the cell phone out and taken his picture, not flee....I am a rock solid person, but can not function with the level of anxiety he inflicts on me.

But, about the visitation. I work in this field, plus had an ex...not that he bothered with the kids but I know what the courts told him. Hey even if you watch Judge Judy she will tell him, figure it out, she does not have to convince you or open her home.

It is up to the husband to figure out how he sees and gets the children. It never should be anymore contact then a curbside pick up. I never heard of anyone allowing inside home exchanges, especially with past issues to cause and inflict emotional pain on you. That is your home; it is not the local community center.

His wife is being passive aggressive in sticking up for her mate no matter what the proper legal response is. I can not give legal advice, but most cases I supervise are because of safety issues with the custodial parent. We have separate arrival times and departure so there is no contact. It takes the stress out of the mother’s or fathers hands for contact issues.

In your case it sounds like the children are older, certainly they must be old enough to go to his vehicle if he pulls up. His desire to be in your home sounds like on going control issues and your husband must be livid that this man thinks he is going to tell him how things are going to operate.

If you do not have an attorney, I would at least write a certified return receipt letter explaining that future pick ups and drop offs are not you responsibility, he ahs to figure that out. The most courtesy I would extend for your own children’s sake is to use the curb out front.

Otherwise if your husband would not mind, it is K-mart parking lot with he as the drop person, not you. Funny, how they whine when their power starts to be reduced or taken away. You are to be safe from him and the memories and never need to have contact with him unless a child is getting married plaster a smile on in the pictures.

If you have supervised in your home because of a child’s disabilities, then you may want to consider using a visitation center. There are various levels of contact with the child. We provide anything from supervised phone calls, to an hour visit, exchanges short term or weekends.

I am sorry I miss some details of your situation, but I know the "anxiety" I know that it is not your problem how he figures out how to visit his children. Let him go back to court. You are in the right and no judge will force you to allow him into your home. I would also suggest as I do to many clients, contact the women’s resource agency, although it has been many years, these emotions do not heal with time, nor does the obviously your ex's control issues. They can help your understand and address this issues, also provide for court if he challenges your decisions.

But, you have custody, he by court is allowed visitation, and if the order does not say he can come inside your home to be supervised, then he figures it out. If not, the court will for him and it won't be at your inconvenience.

It sucks, that I can try to empower you over you ex and I can't even get a cell phone out and get photo evidence against my stalker and I was a police officer for 18 years, and undercover security for many.....but this abuser robbed me of my instinctive nature to respond in a police manner to protect myself.

The power wheel of control, just like a wheel it has no ending,
Dianne[/FONT]

Good idea.
Keep him away. Let the kids talk to him on the phone about when they see him. And don't even let him pull up in the driveway.

He blew his chance to be the father who hangs out with them and you in the same house.

Now he can hang out with them in his own place.

His demands are amazing.
He would push no matter what you did. Forget about making him happy/satisfied with the agreement.

Do what you have to for you and your family.
Mari

((((((((Bear)))))))))))

My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old.

When I entered middle school my parents decided that I was old enough to be able to decide when to see my dad and I was old enough to plan which weekends. They did this because I was getting older and had other stuff to do on weekends (like babysitting and spending time with friends).

Anyway, I did just fine being in charge of my visitation schedule with my dad. I would talk to my dad on the phone and we would discuss my schedule and decide what weekend or what day/time he would pick me up and drop me off. It worked just fine.

As for coming into the house - my dad never did unless my mother invited him. He would ring the bell and then go and wait by the car. Occasioanlly I would want to show my dad something new in my room, and I would ask my mom first and then she would busy herself in another part of the house while I showed my room to my dad.

I had no problems or issues with this. I knew they got divorced, and although they never fought or said anything negative about each other to me I still knew that parents get divorced for a reason and that they did not need to talk to each other or see each other.

As a kid I had a lot of health issues that my parents would have to discuss. For the most part, my mother would talk to my grandmother (dads mom) and then gram would tell my dad. sometimes my mom and dad would write letters to each other to communicate about my health stuff... they managed to communicate without talking to each other and without putting me in the middle -- it sounds as if this is what you are doing also and I just wanted to tell you that as a child who grew up in this similar circumstance I did not suffer any problems because of it.

You are doing what you need to do in order to maintain your health and well being while still caring for your children and their relationship with their father. If their father can not understand the boundries and rules then that is HIS problem not yours. Hopefully, he can accept the bounderies, but if he can not, then maybe your husband would be willing to be the person who handles the the times when the ex picks up or drops off the kids.

You are doing the right thing in order to protect yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. I am so glad that your husband is supportive because that is probably very helpful for you and the kids.

I do hope that your ex can begin to respect the boundries and stop complaining and making life difficult -- but if he can not accept the boundries, then you can enlist the assistance of a lawyer to make sure that your boundries for visitation exchanges are legally spelled out as part of the custody/visitation order... and then your ex will have no choice but to follow the order.

((((((hugs))))))

I am glad I said something outloud. Wrote it down for me to look at.

Because now I am mad at him. Yes, he is still trying to control me and I now refuse to allow it. Good. Thank you, Mari. I needed that.

I laid it out for the kids. Con, of course, understands and said "I don't blame you mom. It's fine with me." lol. Wes, on the other hand, was mad as all get out with me. Now he's ok, and will figure out how he can still see dad and not have dad here. But he was REALLY upset with me. They are 17 and almost 14. And you are right Witty. They are big enough to be able to plan their own activities and I think it will help them have a stronger relationship with their father without me playing the middle man.

It has been a long, painful battle to help my boys see the positive side of their father and give them the strength and hope to trust and love him. They both have had issues with his behavior and they both have had to find forgiveness and learn to love unconditionally. I don't want to take that away with my behavior and your experience helps me understand that it is possible. Take away all the drama and all that is left is their relationship with each other.

I like the note writing senerio. I don't want my husband to have to referee, and I don't want to talk through the ex's new wife. Too much drama in that senerio.

So I will write little notes.

Thank you so much. I always put so much on myself that when I say I can't do something, many people in my life freak out. I am finally to a point where the people that have remained in my life understand that when I say I can't do something, they get it and find a way to do whatever it may be themselves.

Now if I could only do that with work.

And I get the helping other people, but can't quite get there myself Di. It hurts so much and the panic is so LARGE that it gets in the way of reason. And my car accident didn't help much. I am a little hypo-manic still and that never does me any good as far as the anxiety/panic stuff. Sigh.

I just hope your brother trips up soon and pulls something stupid in front of whitnesses. I can't believe he is still on a rampage. Dork. Even strong people need help sometimes, love. It's ok that you need help through this too.

Dear Bear,
Just wanted to give you some hugs....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

All the advice is good. Hope to be able to get my stepson to use the same.

We are in for a long battle with his soon to be ex. But she made decisions that have forced us to make decisions.(living with a registered child molester).

I just get mad thinking that she brought him here and into our house without telling us and endangering not only my grandchildren but my children as well.

I am glad to learn about the supervised visitation other than our home. I am uncomfortable with her here and him in the car outside. But that is safer than letting her take them. I will suggest to the legal aid attorney if they can put that in the custody order that she provide supervised visitation outside the home.

Thank you for helping me as well.

Just sending lots of hugs and prayers.

As far as PTSD, I am dealing with that since my assault. They really don't know how long it lasts, it depends on the person.

I think time helps. I recently had a panic attack that I haven't had in quite some time.

I pray things settle down for you. As Di said been there done that, me too.

He has no right to try to control you or anything else for that matter, don't let him get away with it.

Hugs, Nikko

p.s. I think the notes are a good start.

My wonderful ex called my work Wednesday. Ended up taking a valium.

He was fighting with Wes (he texted Wes and told him that unless Wes called him back right now Wes would never see his father again. Asshat.)

What part of NO CONTACT does he not understand? Sheesh.

By the time I got home Wes was in the fetal position on the floor in total wig out mode. Thank heavens for clonopin.

Can I kill him now? I wonder if it would be considered justifiable.

He makes it so hard for me to remain positive and help the boys through his tantrums and give them the strength to love him. I tell them all the time it is ok to love someone you hate. They get that but sometimes they want to strangle him. sigh.

I think I hate him right now.

I am going to Vegas with my husband for the weekend. We need the break and his boss is footing the bill.

I love you all and I will talk to you soon.

NOBODY ELSE, have any more heart break and life changing pain this weekend with out me to give you hugs. Tell the fates that they are just gonna have to wait. K?

OH! and Nikko. I was with my ex from the time I was 15 years old until I was 27. I have now been divorced for 9 years.

I think PTSD lasts forever. But I think we can control it with therapy and meditation or prayer. Your dealing with it now may just save you in the future. Don't hold it in. It just makes it worse. K love?

And Mad Tatter: How awful. I would be upset as well. She is making some very poor decisions. You are a wonderful mother to be helping your son through such a trying time. I hope he can get the momma to let him have the kids or to kick the creep out.