Hi,


Recovering from my stroke would have been less painful if I were in my own space of love.
Instead I live in fear and anxiety.

How to change that?

M.

how much of the fear and anxiety is chemically induced from bipolar and how much is psychological? I always now ask that question and can't come up with an answer. How can you create your own space of love? Can you try for a few minutes at a time during the day and night where you can shut everything out? I wonder if you can do it through meditation and only try for a few minutes at a time. The past is past but there is so much present and future. I wonder if we can imagine burying the past.
bobby

I tried burying the past. It came back up again and hit me hard when I heard about Beau Biden being in the hospital with his stroke.

I think I need to take the past out, put it under the light, and put it on the stove and cook it for a good long while. I'm really angry right now.

When I first saw this current tdoc she said that as we get older we go around and up the mountain. We can look down at what we went through in the past. It is still there but we can see it from a different perspective. --- something like that.

M.

Mari

Mari,
Please don't stop posting! This is a great way to vent to other people who kinda know what you are going through. Every case is different but we all empathize with you! Vent to us and we will support you. I also am sorry that you are going through such a hard time!

collinsc

i actually think this is a major breakthrough. and they can be painful, but it will allow you to move through it and beyond it. i really don't believe we can go around things indefinitely. i do believe unresolved issues emerge in subtle ways. Also, if we are triggered - like with the news on Beau Biden - they can erupt quite unexpectedly like a volcano. i have had this happen. this could be useful. when it is cooked enough, it will be ok to put it away. in between, if it gets too much for you, you can take breaks - let it simmer covered for a bit and then check on it.

you have every right to be angry.

my former tdoc said this exact same thing... about the mountain and different perspectives. i was re-dealing with an issue that i thought i had dealt with. i was confused at having to deal with it all over again. she was trying to make the point that i had grown, and needed to deal with it from a different perspective. sometimes getting "older" is relative too. i think that one can grow emotionally in a very short time... sometimes it happens as a result of external influences.

i think you are hurting because you are no longer hiding from what happened. i think at the very beginning, you tried to deal with it, but it hurt too much. the fact that others were hiding from it corroborated feelings of guilt/shame and made it that much more painful.

i think the fact that you were able to tell your colleagues and that subsequently you did not feel awkward when you tripped up on some verbal things shows that you are becoming more self-accepting. that acceptance is enabling you to feel things that were inaccessible before... right now anger, which is understandable.

i wish there were something i can do to make things easier for you or help you through. if there is, please let me know.

you will get through this.

~ waves ~

i don't even know if i should write this but when you have had a painful and really non nurturing childhood and you are bipolar and then other sh#t hits the fan, I don't think there is a place to stand. I hate the image of the onion and the layers but i guess it is apt...everytime you think you made headway which you have you get more to deal with....have you ever just thrown up your arms and tried to think of something frivolous you can do and just not deal with the pain and suffering....i don't know if it can work...
but you need some relief
bobby

I am going to make an appointment with the tdoc and hubby.
He is not being helpful enough.
Actually, sometimes he is a jerk

This is where tdoc will help and has helped in the past: I'm thinking he has no idea that I am a minute away from giving up on keeping a job and trying to function. All I am asking from him is to stay out of my way and not add to the garbage.

M.

Mari

Honestly Sounds like a good idea.

Donna

yes do this!! it has helped before and should help again!
((((HUGS))))
love you,
bizi