I squeeze the pores on my face...
I used to be able to hide it, but not so much so anymore.

I really hope you can crawl out of this hole soon....

((((HUGS)))))

-Kay

the thing is, i consider myself lucky, in a way... because i have had much uglier depressions.....

i mean, i don't even "seem" depressed for the most part. i don't necessarily feel bad, i don't feel much at all, most of the time, which is really really strange, for me. i seem react to things, normally - tv, surroundings. and i joke with the folks, and laugh at tv just fine. but i am not drawn to anything "serious" ... i have so time on my hands and so many interests, i know it is a shame, i just don't care... no it's even more than not caring... it's almost like part of me is turned off?

i feel dead inside. it's not a bad feeling it's more of an unfeeling. and it feels permanent. i literally feel like i'm at the end of my life. there's nothing else out there for me.

i haven't been thinking about being dead / wishing i were dead for a while. that is an improvement. but everything else seems the same.... just - it's there, and i'm here and a chasm in between. and i want the chasm there too - i don't want direct contact or involvement. i don't want anything. i'm not afraid of things or people... more sort of an aversion? it's not like i'm ok with where i am either... i just try not to think "i should/could be doing x y z" because then i do feel bad...

i don't even know if that is depression. the thoughts of death and the apathy sure fit... but it is different than the kinds i've had before.

what do you guys think? does it sound like depression to you, or something different? does anything else come to mind?

~ waves ~

This sounds like depression to me.
dissassociative too...detached...I don't know.
I am sorry I am hoping that with some time the zoloft will help you feel better.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thanks for the feedback, Bizi.

yes, detached... good word. like i'm in my own little world but at the same time, i don't want to leave it either. it's like someone who is doped up or something, except i'm not. but if i had drugs... i'd probably use them... to get more detached. good thing i'm not motivated to look ... sheez

~ waves ~

Waves
I am sending you hugs. And I really have no thoughts.

Other than I agree that staying away from the woman if your scared
of her is the answer.

Donna

Dear Waves,
It's the Zoloft.
Google any of these words with Zoloft: flat, numb, empty.

I wonder if you need a higher dose or an additional or different med.

Again, one of the goals stated at the top of this thread was to feel a little better than you were without the Zoloft. I could be mis-reading but you are not there yet ---

I'm disappointed for you mostly because it stinks to feel the way you describe. . . . also because you had a goal that you have not reached yet.

M.

Dear Mari

i don't think the Zoloft is causing this. the Zoloft does not seem to be touching it, one way or the other. so maybe i do need a higher dose. but i won't go above 100 without seeing my pdoc again first, given i'm not on a stabilizer. i'll talk to him about all this next week if things haven't improved.

(Pre-Zoloft) for a time, i was hypersensitive to any emotionally "touching" scenes on tv... but even then i was somewhat apathetic as far as big things or doing things. then, my reactions became more normal (less sensitive) to stuff on tv... but it occurred before the Zoloft. i seem to be getting more cynical.

from my first post:
the hoping to die is not explicitly there any more. only a mild form in wishing i didn't have to keep doing this life thing. the melancholy comes and goes. guilt still there especially if i allow myself to think about things (so i try to avoid it). apathy and anhedonia both rampant, but not in a consistent way, for all things. eg i still enjoy the taste of food. nothing (no activity, including cooking) feels rewarding however. and for the rest, it's like i'm twisted....................

for instance, i laugh quite a lot. at normal things, but especially at negative type humor or violence like i watched 3 Jaws movies in the past couple months, and laughed at ALL of them when the shark would attack, as in, "haha, fishfood! NOM NOM NOM." i totally cracked up at the simpsons last night when homer tied the dog's feet to toy cars after taking a sleeping pill ( a spoof on Ambien i think). normally stuff like that doesn't make me laugh that much.

~ waves ~

I wonder about your laughing.....what do you think about that?
bizi

i don't know what to think.

This all sure sounds like depression to me.

I'm glad to hear that you're not fantacising about dying as much.