I can state that in my sister's case

That it is not known were the bipolar came from. Neither of my parents
are or were bipolar. Or had or has depression. My father has been
gone for over 19 years.

We are not aware of my grandparents or anyone in their families ever
having these issues either.

So its just not known were it came from. Its possible that her's is the
first known case in the family.

But its not the last known case in the family.

So it is now for sure something that is genetically going to be possible.

My son's at least two of them have some form of the problems, or have
had at some time. One will never lose a form of it. The other one
will probably have it come and go from his life.

He will only tell me or someone when it gets so bad that he is afraid
that he can't handle it.

The third, we can't tell if the depression and anxiety is from that or
the epilepsy which is still genetic.

So its all in the family either way.

Donna

Waves,

For years, I've had A LOT of problems regulating my sleep cycle. Not unlike you, it gets worse when I'm unemployed. Although I'm permanently disabled now. I've tried getting back on track slowly with some success, but I've also made the mistake(s) of taking 7a-3p jobs hoping that I'll be able to maintain that schedule, resulting in trouble waking up and being chronically late.

I know I don't interview well when I'm depressed. It's a hard time to be confident and to play up your strengths; and hard to convince someone else you deserve to get a job when you're questioning your own self worth.

Right now, I'm having trouble taking my pills on time because I either forget to take them on time, or don't wake up when I should. The problem there is I have one drug that can only be taken every 12 hours because of seizure risks. So, I've had to put that pill aside several times & that sucks because it's the pill that's supposed to improve my gait.

I think it's a good sign that you're trying to regulate your sleep cycle- and feeling that interviews will be doable if you have to get up early.

When you're ready:
Have you considered taking on a temp job, even if it's not in your field? I'm sure that you have lots of skills that you can emphasize to get a temp job doing something- even part time.

If you're not getting calls back, maybe you need to redo your resume or have it done professionally for you? You don't have to be dishonest, it may just be a matter of how you're marketing yourself- not due to a lack of skill or worth.
Also, follow up calls are important to let potential employers know you're serious. Sometimes those calls can lead to your resume rising to the level of interviews.

I hope you feel better soon!!!

(((((((HUGS)))))))))
-Kay

p.s. How long have you been at 100mg of zoloft now?

Dear Donna,

thanks for the reflections on your sister's illness. that was very helpful.

Dear Kay,

the work thing is complicated. i've lived/worked in the US and have lots of friends there still, dealing with bad economy etc... lots of things are just way different here.

i don't honestly believe a pro could do much better with my resume. i've been told it's very good. the hard facts that are hurting me (my age, recent resume holes, high tech fast paced industry, current market) would be a problem anywhere but are particularly so in this country (DOB required, chronological format required). can't call back most of the time because company contacts are not specified on most ads. at best there is an email and not always.

there is not a lot of work in "other" fields. software dev probably represents 30-50% of the job market on monster (biggest and best job search engine for this area) - ranging from highly qualified professions to unskilled labor. mom and pop shops literally have mom and pop working in there, and sister and cousin and friend of sister-in-law's half-niece.

given i want to change fields anyway, i will consider going to an agency once i feel a bit better, and asking for temp part time. they mostly want young (eg, max 25) people and/or experienced in role... age discrimination is explicit and rampant despite being illegal. women and minorites are also discriminated against, more quietly. i've tried a temp agency before without success, but as i had different employment objectives at the time, it is an avenue worth revisiting. thanks for bringing that up.

i really don't want to interview right now, for exactly the reasons you listed... self-confidence etc. i'm probably in better shape right now than typical depression, so i'll take my chances... given i have this weird kind of energy, i can be ok with people, even bright and shiny. i'd rather not interview, but i'll risk it rather than call off the recruiter/consultants and in so doing trash my only 2 contacts.

oh yeah... today was my 6th day at 100mg Zoloft.

~ waves ~

Waves,
How did you feel about running yesterday?

Your mention of being in shape made me think of this (and yeah, I know that you meant "shape" in terms of your mood).
I'm wondering if getting physically stronger might also help you become empowered.
I've seen this in others and in myself.
Just a thought.

How long do you think it takes to feel the pick up at the 100mgs?


M.

i was still awake at 5:30 am, this morning, so i took my Zoloft then.

i had had a coffee yogurt 1 hour before that.

i woke up at 11 this morning. i am feeling more down today and sort of anxious.

~ waves ~

Dear Mari

i felt please that i ran at first. sort of like i broke the spell. my feet feel ok so far - actually they feel good. i did not stretch which is bad. i feel kinda weird about that. i feel kind of hesitant and awkward about the running now.

also something kind of strange happened. my pulse rate remained pegged at ~ 120 bpm for several hours after i came home. i noticed it when i went to take down the garbage. it finally settled after dinner but was still a little higher than usual (some perhaps because i ate, but it was ~ 100 even then which i find odd.) i am hoping bizi will comment on this and tell me if she thinks it might be normal because i am not conditioned (very UNconditioned). my bp was very good both yesterday (114/72) and now (121/72). (or Kay, aren't you a nurse as well?)

my pulse is completely back to normal, typical-for-me (~72), now.

i don't know how long the zoloft will take. 2-6 weeks is the range... if i haven't noticed anything significant by the time i see pdoc, next week, i will ask about going to 150.

i noticed a flower and tried to make friends with a dog yesterday, so maybe that is a good sign, neither being the cynical-laughter type energy that seems to happen lately. i have been thinking that seems to be a warped expression of aggression more than anything else...

~ waves ~

i am feeling dreadful today. i am on my 3rd cup of caffeinated coffee (usually max at 2), hoping it can just make me feel a little better. moodwise i mean.

i am on cooking duty today. since what i am making requires a long process and kitchen time, i volunteered to also cook the cauliflower just so it doesn't mould in the fridge.

i am about 1/2 way done. (the cauliflower is cooling, all the pre-work is done for the dinner dish and have washed up the first phase stuff). so i mean, i am being productive. i am going plod, plod. not sitting on my butt. well, except right now. but i feel awful, just really down, emotionally beat up run over by a steamroller put through a carwash and hung out to dry.

dad just got home and i wished he had stayed out a little longer because i wanted to be alone. and i even feel guilty about that... sheez where does it end.

~ waves ~

geeze wave I don't know about your heart rate staying at 120 for that long you should have recovered way sooner than that. 120-130 is the target range that I stay at when I walk fast on the tread mill but that is just me.
when was the last time you had a tread mill test? do they order them for you when you have symptoms?Have you ever had this happen before?
that must have been uncomfortable.
I am sorry that happened to you.
I think a call into your md might not be a bad idea especially if it happens again.
bizi

Dear Bizi

thanks for the feedback. yes in fact when i run or do aerobics is the only time my heart usually goes over 100. my resting pulse is often in the sixties but 72 is typical if i'm sitting up (regular 18 beats per 15 seconds).

i could not understand it last night. even taking the garbage down is not that much exertion (bag not very heavy, use elevator not stairs)... i only thought to take my pulse when i noticed i was still exhausted. then i sat a few mins, then made a potato in the microwave (sitting some again) and chopped some parsley and tried it again, it was 120. the machine said 130 but i don't trust it i trust a manual read better - it is not hard to take a frickin pulse. although... it seemed to speed up and slow down more than usual, but i can't be sure about that... i don't often take my pulse and find it that fast.

today after chopping a bunch of things i tried it again and it was 80, which is about right for moderate activity, for me (compare to 120 yesterday).

i have never had a stress test or any cardio workups. the only thing i had were a couple ekg's back in 1997-1999, because i was on lithium. i am hoping to run again in 3 days ... need to wait that long to see if my feet are going to react. can't call my gp but i can walk in - will ask him to send me for a check up if it happens again. and next time i run i will take my pulse every 1/2 hour so i have periodic data, and not go a couple hours before it dawns on me, geez why am i so exhausted. it wasn't uncomfortable as such, i only noticed exhaustion.

thanks for your help.


~ waves ~

I think you need a work up especially since you said it veried.
that was tachicardia and can be awful for your heart..don't want to scare you...it is jsut that serious.
bizi