I've been down in this depression forever, or so it seems. Been messing with my meds - which I hate - and ECT schedule. Needless to say I am one big mess.

Now the job issues that won't go away. Was given my final warning today at a job I love but seem not able to do anymore. Been there 7 years tomorrow and it has slowly evolved into this very complex job. My mental capacity just does not enable me to do this job anymore it seems. Saw my therapist tonight and she suggested long-term disability. But doesn't that mean this dang disease wins? I honestly don't know what to do anymore. One day at a time.

Been fighting this suicidal thinking for quite a bit now. Did another safety contract with my therapist. See one of my pdocs tomorrow - the one for meds. Was honest with my husband about how I'm feeling and everything else going on. He thinks this job has become too stressful for me. It's strange - I don't want to give in to this disease and at the same time I want nothing more than to just give up on everything. Crazy huh?

Well, thanks for taking the time to listen to me ramble. It's kind of like my journaling and seems to take off some of the pressure in my head.

Just one more day,
Debbie

Dear Debbie,
Are you eligible for FMLA? Certain emplolyes can get 12 weeks unpaid medical leave.
http://www.dol.gov/dol/topic/benefits-leave/fmla.htm

Or maybe short term disability from your job? Check with HR.

Yes. It is exactly like journaling. That's why some of us are here.

It's not really like that. You win if you do the right thing for yourself.
Acutally I don't see this as winning or loosing. We constantly try. . . .lots of trying . . . and sometimes the trying helps us with what we want.

Is your husband being supportive?

Some days my goal is to survive. I'm meeting my goal.
Somedays I surpass it and survive gracefully.

M.

Dear Debbie

i'm sorry the road continues to be rough for you.

Short- and long-term disability are basically just different time periods. probably every insurance defines them differently, but the way it worked where i worked was that the short term kicked in if the foreseen absence was up to X weeks, and long-term was if it was greater than that.

if you are already receiving performance warnings at your job, i would do the disability - long or short, whatever your doctor suggests. the time needs to fit the time it will take you at least to finish the ECT treatments and recoup from them.

when you are doing better you will either be able to go back, or if not, you can figure that out then - ask for accomodations, get a different job, whatever.

but doing disability is still better than quitting or getting fired because you will continue to have income, and health insurance benefits, and technically you will not have a hole on your resume if you do end up needing to go elsewhere.

trust me. i've done disability and i've also quit cold before. no income and holes on the resume are HARD.

~ waves ~

Debbie,

If you are able to put your thoughts down, believe me, you are not too badly off. I know you must be feeling awful, and it is hard to concentrate when you feel low. Taking a long leave, if possible, while settling down with therapy and changes in prescription or dosages would be a good idea.

This is not a win or lose situation Debbie. You can't fight or compete with yourself. This thought just makes for more anxiety. This is who you are NOW.
And NOW you need a break.

I don't know anything about the technicalities in your country.
Right now I think your focus should be on trying to ensure a source of income.
Worries regarding money can be a real and permanent trigger.

Fighting against what you can is good, but if you have reasons to believe that the fight will wear you down more - then stop.

I battled foolishly for years and all that happened is that I managed to dig myself into a deep well of debt. And finally I have realised that accepting who I am now, is best for everybody around and myself. At least nobody is expecting or depending on me to deliver anymore. I am doing the last bit of tying up the loose ends and soon I shall be FREE.

i suffer a lot from depression and was on disability after 15 years of not working. I think you are ahead of the game by being in the hands of a good therapist. I don't think we can fight bipolar but instead I am beginning to believe we have to work with it. i really start drowning in depression when i fight with it and feel hopeless. when i try to work around it, i do much better.
if you go on disability you won't be isolated. it sounds as if you have a thoughtful husband. you also won't have the stress of not performing at your job...both are biggies...i think you have to be bipolar who suffers the pain of the depression to understand....it is so frustrating to not be understood.
bobby

Thak you for posting whawt you have...this means alot to me.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts then this is really serious and am glad that every one is on board and trying to help you.
Perehaps you can ask for an accomidation at work. Have your pdoc write you a letter saying that you can only work x amount of hours and perform certain duties like you were in the past...human resources can help you I believe....
I am sorry that this is happening to you, I wish it were easier, your attitude will help you feel better about things, don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can right now...you will get through this.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Deb

do you think you'd be able to perform well if you had limited hours?

if you already got a final warning, i think you'd be safer taking a medical leave (disability). asking for accomodations might be tricky at this juncture if your overall ability is compromised. anyway do talk to your doctors about all of this - ask about the time frames that he expects treatment to take.

the thing is, to my knowledge, they CANNOT fire you while on disability. i don't think you can be laid off either. when i was in this, the legal deal was they had to guarantee my job for a year. you would probably have to find out your specific conditions, either by consulting the employee ensurance manual, or by calling your insurance.

when you return is when you need to worry about whether the job is safe and getting accomodations, etc. but i would leave that worrying for then, and just safeguard your income and insurance, while you can.



~ waves ~

There are options for you Deb. You're not letting the disease win if you exercise these options.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. Is your employer aware that you're having difficulties due to a medical problem? Have you already disclosed your BP? If you haven't, I would not suggest you disclose too much. You can explain that you are having difficulties because of a medical problem without going into detail.

You can ask your employer to move you to a less complex position without disclosing your medical history. Given your history with the company, you may have luck having that approved, if you think that you will be able to perform at the suggested position.

If you ask for accommodations, you may have to disclose what your medical condition is. You will need to have documentation from docs as to what your limitations are and it will be your responsibility to come up with the accommodations that will help you do your job. The catch is that if your employer thinks that the accommodations will create undo hardship on them, they can deny them. I have personal experience with this, and even went through the EEO complaint process.

FMLA is a leave of absence, and you usually do not have to disclose your problems. If they request a letter from a doc, you can have one of your providers just say that you need this leave due to a medical condition. You cannot be fired while on FMLA, but the time frame for it is limited (usually 2 weeks). If you need more time away from work after that period, you can transition into an unpaid leave of absence, or short term disability if you have it.

If you have short-term disability, you can go this route as well. But not everyone has that coverage.

If you have LTD coverage, there is usually a wait before you can claim these benefits.

I hope things start to improve for you soon. ((((HUGS))))

-Kay

I believe the only way you let something beat you. Is to know its there
and not do a thing about it.

So no I don't think you are letting it beat you. You are asking for help.
Getting help, and reaching out on a good site for help.

I'm personally very proud of you.

Keep asking, we will be here.

Donna

Thank you for all your kind words. Most the time my husband is very supportive. But sometimes he loses it. Last night was one of those times. He's going through some stuff with work and the struggles that come with being with someone like me. Then the job issues on top of it all was just too much for him last night.

My therapist has recommended a support group for him or a book (I forget the title at the moment) but he's not willing to do either. I don't know what to do sometimes because it just seems like I am more of a burden to my family, friends and co-workers than anything.

Debbie