oh waves.
I think you have a good idea about being able to sleep on the weekend. I think that is a great idea.
The stress is too much...too too much.
I really feel for you and I wish there was some other magic pill for you....
I am sorry.
((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
love you
bizi
I think you are fantastic...you know that right!

Dear Waves,

Keep posting. Keep recording. I really really need to hear from you.

Do what you can this weekend.

I have to keep this short - - will be back when I can.

M.

Dear Bizi.

thanks for the sweet thoughts. i really wanted to sleep more this weekend but looks like it's gonna really happen. as it is though i did get 10 hours instead of the workday 7. i really think i would be off my rocker completely if it were not that i am getting knocked out every night like that and wake up calm ... at least for a while.

anyway. the plan B, the depakote seems to be having some effect. had lightsensitivity took me by surprise and ppl at work were LOUD and obnoxious

tg yesterday was alone part of the day. actually boss was there a good bit, but he is quiet. he actually gave me something to do and was able to help me along with the steps without either of us freaking out. i distrust him still. there is a kindliness about himself that i appreciate, but it seems to get switched off suddenly and without forewarning - this is what i mistrust.

contrary to too much energy yesterday i felt like a walking log, and had interspersed crying jags. i did not have beer at lunch i discovered they have apple juice. and had that. later i needed a lorazepam. but it didn't do anything. useless crying jags about nothing.

actually it isn't about nothing. it is about feeling lonely and very "cut out" of things at work. i feel like even those who are not hostile are "ehhh sleeping with the enemy." i try to feel compassion it makes me vulnerable i end up crying. i felt afraid a lot. i had suicidal thoughts at times too. not immediate ones. like, when my parents die... i'm not gonna stick around. the world overwhelmed me.

i think i will not make changes besides the depakote increase for now to see what it does before adding something.

i did work. i am on stepping stones. people have seen me miserable. i cannot control it so it is possible at some point someone will realize i have tears in my eyes. hopefully i can find a job teaching.

~ waves ~

you are under so much stress.
I really feel for you.
I wish it were a nicer place to work.
thank you for posting....
rest this weekend if you can.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
bizi

yes that's just it. some things are normal/healthy reaction, but it doesn't give me a chance to settle so many external jabs going on.

i do think 1500 depakote is helping.

i was making silly mistakes at work.

no blocks though.

the weekend has been ok but i wish icould rest more. we are having the painters soon and havng to move more stuff around.... sigh. prob some cleaning right before/after too. sigh. but it does get my mind off things.

yesterday i cooked dinner. actually i cooked soup for dad for lunch too.

~ waves ~

thanks for posting sweetie!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thinking of you waves, hope you are sleeping soundly!
bizi

Hi Bizi - yes i have something to help me sleep. soundly. pdoc agrees that no matter how i am doing, i'd be doing worse if i weren't able to induce that much sleep - and without morning grog. so he goes with that.

for the rest it all sucks. i slid down down then after 3 days got a bit of umphh back, saw pdoc who said i seemed better () than last week (when he all but shoved zyprexa down my gullet) maybe hypo (i.e. subsiding mania) at this point but keep taking the increased depakote and he thinks i'll be ok.

i told him i'd been down 2-3 days and it seemed like some rapid cycling on top of the major swings. crying my yes out all day. but it is hard to explain. i am not even sure if it really is because i can't tell what's what any more... definitely i have mixed symptoms a large part of the time of all different kinds. initially, the variations were irritable - there were NO DOWN symptoms at all. but of course all the stuff at work happening - perhaps it is a reaction, magnified because of the bipolar, but not genunine "cycling." whatever. I WANT IT TO STOP.

(i release my attachment to controlling my emotions?)

he said the 911 stuff was at least gone i told him the stuff that isn't scary we haven't hand a chance to talk about. i mean we missed 3 weeeks in there and bunches happened... trying to sort out what's for real and what might be irrational fears or overreaction. doc seems to think, from what happened, that my job is safe, at least until contract expiration in June.

the bigger problem is how i am doing. last week i thought i was going to explode into tiny bits. this week i felt like i was melting into a puddle. i cold not stop crying. wednesday better. yesterday worse.

from pdoc i found out
- they don't have loxapine here
- geodon is prohibitive and only paid for by national health if you have schizophrenia (i can't afford oout of pocket)

i hope that the 1,500mg depakote fixes me soon.

~ waves ~

I AM so sorry you are going through this pain and suffering. you must feel so helpless. are you taking zyprexa now? i got confused. I hope the depakote works.
love
bobby

thanks bobby - no not on zyprexa - thanks... i don't think i can lose weight on this dose of depakote, i just hope i don't gain more, i surely would with zyprexa i told him that was unacceptable... i don't need to feel worse...

if i continue to have breakthrough mania i might go back on lithium for a while. lithium + carbamazepine worked well, i'm thinking lithium + depakote could work really well unless there were ugly side effects. maybe lets hope this time i can just quit everything.

i can't help thinking my life needs a tweak, not just my meds, and a big one, say in terms of how i earn a living etc.

love ~ waves ~