Hi Donna and Di and thank you both.

this morning i had a migraine and anxiety. duh what a surpirse. decided to go in late after things abated. it got very late.

I thought about what i did that first ran amuck, and am convinced it could not have caused any damage at all to the data, so i don't feel that sense of responsibility to show up today to at least be party to fixing things.

also the witchcoordinator is coming today or tomorrow (for a bug-review session). i wanted to avoid a blended showdown of everything with her involved.

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i just CALLED my boss. said my migraine is still going (true) and the meds stopped working so i would stay home today.

then i asked him about friday's incident, and whether the DB was ok. he said it was fine. i said ok, i guess i just need to learn to do certain things a certain way, huh, and he said, oh, nothing happened. Don't worrry, nothing happened, and chuckled.

so he is calling it water under the bridge. i am relieved - means i don't have to deal with him about it, in person.

but there is no mistaking this for kindness. more likely, nothing about the incident impacts him any more, so he can't be bothered about it now.

i do feel a little less terror about work tomorrow after having broached the subject with him. BUT. it is not like nothing happned, not to me. and i can't deal with these 'nothings' that happen and they do happen, and i still have to deal.

right now i am a mess and still taking migraine pills and lorazepam today.

~ waves ~ taking the day off.

thanks Donna,

i'm sorry about that. a whole group can be very intimidating. in this case yes it is different it is also 3-4 times a week and the rest of the time i'm still struggling... i fight tears a lot, before i get out. sometimes i cry at lunch time. it is really way too much.
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thank you. yes i think he was trying not to put pressure on me, but also remind me that if i did have the strength to get through, it would not go unrewarded. it is helpful to think of both alternatives. i'm supposed to give a month's notice but if i feel i can't continue, i think i will give 2 weeks notice - that "should" basically mean i work for free for 2 weeks... better than having to PAY them a month of GROSS earnings, where the taxes have already been paid to the state, i don't know if it works that way. we are 1/3 way through april. 8/9 of the way through to end of contract.

yeah, that other woman in there, the witch coordinator, acts hardened. i wonder if someone without cycles could manage better in there. my boss does have a reputation as a looney - my predecessor left because he was denied a transfer to another group, away from my boss.

but the witchwoman does not... at least i have not talked to ppl who have worked with her.

it is hard, my boss and the witch are the only two ppl in my office, and they won't even exchange pleasantries with me, even if they are goofing off and 'shooting the ... manure' themselves. if i reply to something they say, they play deaf or otherwise refuse to engage. then i feel invisible. it is hard to feel so invisible all day. does anyone remember the buffy episode where there was the girl noone ever noticed and she started to become physically invisible and then frighten ppl?

well my goodness i can be mean too, but i am not a mean person in a profound way. overall i do like ppl around me to be happy and to help if i can. and if i have to do something as part of my job i do put my heart in it and care what the result will be.

thanks Di.... and hat's off to Lady Di (you know who you are )

~ waves ~ my thinking cap goes on and off... regarding how to go about the teaching search, maybe for interim jobs. i feel so relieved i can stay home today.

I couldn't help but feel for you and after trying to think of what to say... I just decided to write something. Crying does seem to help relieve emotional stresses, such as grief and sorrow. The Bible contains numerous examples of men and women—including Jesus Christ himself—who shed tears. (Luke 19:41; John 11:33-35) So in coping with such emotional stresses as grief, a helpful piece of advice may be: Don’t hold back those tears!
Why are you so distressed?

Although there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh,” who does not prefer the latter to the former? (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Sad to say, we live in a world that primarily gives us reasons for weeping. Depressing news dominates the media.
I look forward to when all forms of sickness and suffering, as well as even death itself, will cease to be!!! (Isaiah 33:24; Revelation 21:3,*4)
That helps me in times of sadness... I hope it can you too

it is kind of you, thank you.yes indeed. cultural and social expectations i suppose. some display of crying is normal but let's just say if we we in a boat with me crying we'd have sunk it by now?

long term unemployment, no retirement basics, ehhhh....

Thank you. i will try...

welcome to the boards! (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

thank goodness you still have your sense of humor
love
bobby hoping you are feeling better and glad you didn't go to work...

It sounds like a very foul workplace, Waves

I hope they let up a bit, so it's easier for you to finish your contract.

I'm sorry this job is giving you so much pain, but I admire all your perseverance through all of it!

glad that you were home today even if it had to be a migraine that kept you home. sorry about that.
((((((((hugs)))))))
bizi

Waves

In my opinion you are some really special woman. I'm so proud of you.

I don't know very many people that could handle even half of what you
have already handle in this job.

I think you are doing a great job. Donna

LOL, I walked into that one....did not sink in until you mentioned and related it.
waves, you are a special intuitive person, that needs to be appreciated more and know it.
I am glad the ice is broken from the incident at work and that you can breath easier now.
Have a better Tuesday then Friday.
hugs
di

Waves,
This is hard to read about.
I cannot imagine what you are going through.
M.