thank you both for being here (((Jude & Bizi))) and trying to encourage me. i am afraid today i am not sure how much courage i can conjure up.

i do not feel good.

Dear Bizi

i did not go back to work yet after the teasing and the social and what not. the "update" was just more info in general. did you read the today section? i am perplexed that you say i sound good after i said i just wanted to curl up and die.

Dear Jude

i am glad this is encouraging to you somehow.... i'm out "sick" again today. i had a nasty headache i can't identify. thought it was a sinus headache i my sleep area got filled with cigarette smoke... woke up and opened more windows to try and get rid of it, at the risk of letting more in (none of us smoke).... i get headaches from it. but docs have said that as long as sinuses are clear it is more likely a migraine variant. well whatever the heck it was got a little better by the time i could have left and arrived at work late.

the real reason i didn't go i think is resistance. fear. i don't want to go back there. because after i was dressed i went back into the bathroom and cried. i called in sick, took a lorazepam and slept more. i know if it felt comfortable going to work, though, i dould have got the headache under control. other than cleaning the air, i didn't try.

~ waves ~ not feeling good, nor like i'm handling anything, nor do i want to... except maybe more and more meds.......

I am sorry that I read thru your post too quickly.
I am sorry taht you don't feel good and that you are having migraine issues. I hope that resolves quickly.
I wish you felt better.
just one foot in front of the other fall down 7 times get up 8. day at a time, all cliches but of value.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[/QUOTE] i am glad this is encouraging to you somehow.... [/QUOTE]

It is--you are--encouraging to me because in the short time I've been here I've seen you get knocked down (sometimes out, like now) by stuff, even to the point where you want to just quit, just "curl up & die"--but what I see is you retreating, recovering, reviewing, & gleaning at least one new bit of useable data from the latest disaster. That's what's called perseverance, & I guess I admire it a whole lot. I keep trying to make it a habit.

[/QUOTE] ~ waves ~ not feeling good, nor like i'm handling anything, nor do i want to... except maybe more and more [/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, ~waves~, for thinking you were doing better than you are. Thanks for being willing to tell me again. I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with that headache; sleeping in cigarette smoke would be awful.

I'm so glad you got your access level fixed. Too bad about the pest but those skylight closure panels sound nifty. I'm glad your thoughts aren't only on the horrors at work. Hope the sleep & meds tackle some of the bad stuff for you so the load seems less overwhelming.

Waves,

Is part of the problem that as consultant you are not feeling that you are being treated as a colleague or as one of the team? They sound clique-ish. Or worse, they sound down right inhospitable . . not even following basic norms of politeness.

I'm sorry to hear that these people are causing you to cry.
I wish things were better.


Did your headache let up?

M.

hi no my headache is back i did not take anything with dinner to see... and 'ere she blows. so now i just shoveled some chicken down with 600mg ibuprofen for the night. i hope in the morning i will be ok. i will eat something and take a morning dose regardless of pain i think and take the stuff to work.

the anxiety is about feeling ridiculous. this is big for me. it is easy for me to end up feeling ridiculous. you cannot retrain all the scenarios there are too many. i want to retrain at the point of awareness, and anxiety. the point where i WON'T go to that place, WILL NOT, no way, no how, and freak out cry. the point where i take the lorazepam, but it isn't enough.

i tried to get pdoc to tackle it with me today, but he was more interested in the specific social interactions to do with the teasing about the jacket, which in this instance contributed to my overall discomfort. i understand the behavioral aspects i can use to help reduce their teasing, which will in the long run make me feel better.... BUT

doc, i need a short run additive to lorazepam to get me to work daily.

the consultant bit was a means of cutting me 'out' of the group... like saying she's not "really" one of us... i was appalled as i know it isn't always like that and perhaps others don't draw this line, but it still upseet me to have it pulled out, right after a dig at consultants... when i inquired the dig was they "don't last long" ... it has different and not very nice implications when you think about it. plus it is not other ppls business to disclose what type of contract i ahve with the company... sheesh he probably shouldn't have known but... who'd figure ... anyway.

~ waves ~

I hope you feel better in the morning.((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) ))))))))))))))
bizi

Waves

I am so proud of you. Just the spunk to want to get up and go! Yes, I'm
sorry you didn't get to finish through. I think it might be a combination of
things. But to me if you hadn't wanted to go so bad, you would have
just used the cop out to stay home with a headache. And not worried
about it.

I think you just need to fit in, I also wonder somewhat if the people doing
the digs. Have a need to be mean to others. Maybe if they say something
like that again.

Just ask if they want to switch places with you!

I really think your going to get up brush off our crumbs and get going.

Donna

Waves,

I hear you about not feeling good. Sending lots and lots of hugs.

Sorry that the pdoc did not discuss what you wanted. That's so not helpful.

Yes, Medicating prophylactically I hope helps. I hope your day goes better on Friday, painwise and otherwise.


M.

thanks everyone. sheesh.... welllll....... you know what they say about good intentions - the road to hell is paved with them...

did it all over again today. am home. that's 3 days worked, 3 days home, lovely.

this morning i did take my gob of food + ibuprofen (ibuprofen is faster acting than my usual med - gives results w/in an hour if it is going to work... IT DIDN'T even a little.

today and yesterday i had additional sx. headache a bit different too, so not sure it was a migraine. i think it is mixed migraine and cervical. there is definitely a cervical component. i tried ice on temple and hotwater bottle on my neck/back. it felt good but did not do anything lasting in terms of pain, on either account.

and something strange happened yesterday out of nowhere: i had a lowgrade-fever ... with 400mg ibuprofen at peak! my mom laughed said wonder how much it was before the ibuprofen.... but i shouldn't have had one AT ALL. pdoc said barring highly inflammatory conditions (not my case) there usually has to be even a mild infection, but added that fever is a general sign of ill-being and, as an isolated occurrence, could simply be one of the many "messages" that my body is sending in that regard.

I CANNOT GET MEDS TO WORK. nor MYSELF to WORK, either! i wonder if that is the solution get up an hour earlier and do stretches, tension-related pain would improve. migraine gets worse though. when i went to see pdoc i was "relatively ok" (800mg ibuprofen?) yesterday other than light-sensitive. by the time i got jolted there and back home, i was waaay more light-sensitive, had headache restarting, and nausea i wasn't sure i could "hold" all the way.... not pretty.

i am going to the doctor tonight (my typically useless GP who doesn't do much but write scripts or send you to someone else.) if he doesn't have any ideas besides mine as to causes or treatments, i'm going to request naproxen sodium to try. (cheaper by rx).

i cannot not call in sick any more. at this rate it'll go on the whole summer.

i did ask pdoc for some gabapentin but first i need to get off my sleep med... that will take a while. i don't know if it will cover a cervical component.

let's face it i don't know a whole lot.

~ waves ~

I don't know a whole lot either, but I'm sure that this fever thing is significant. Have you had a recent blood test for inflammation? You say that's not your problem, but it can come on suddenly. I'm also wondering whether you've checked all your meds with a pharmacist for interactions, especially if more than 1 doc is prescribing. Some of those interactions are psych & phys both, & some (also side effects) affect immune system. Fever can also be drug-induced (or so I've been told).

Cervical component? Chemotherapy/radiation?

You are really caught in a vicious circle here. Would it help any if you went in to work with the mindset "I'm just here for half an hour"? If that works stay 30 minutes more? One of the tricks I play on myself....

Your headaches sound familiar. Do your temples ever feel hard to the touch? I have a head band for runners that has a gel in it, I put it in the freezer & it stays cold/cool for a hour--keep a spare in the fridge at work (that's a prob, I think, for you). Also use heat patches on my neck & shoulders. Doesn't get rid of it but usually lets me live with it. Yoga helps too. 20 mins workouts am & pm + stretches thru-out the day. Cardio-type exercise makes the headaches worse by raising BP, but yoga lowers it.

Wow said I didn't know much & just keep on proving it! Stabs in the dark. Well you know you can't keep calling in. Sure hope your md-doc will experience a eureka moment & come up with a real solution for you this evening.

((((((((HUGS)))))))) & all best vibes going out to you, ~ waves~ !