Dear Bobby,

thank you Bobby. i am sorry to worry you. i am worse. i have ugly thoughts because of ugly events and feeling guilty for having those thoughts. i should know better than to let stupidity and or stubbornness and or arrogance bother me but once the poison gets in, it's in, what can i say. of course, only i can get it out, but i am not having any success. i cannot deal. it is too much. many are the things that have happened... it has been like a deluge starting with my trip, my job, but even lately. there is no reprieve it seems, not even here now.

i don't know if this depression started as chemical or stress but i know for sure it isn't just overwhelm from a job i despised in a field i have distaste for in a culture that rubs me the wrong way. and then i feel guilty for allllll that hate. i am reminded of Majo and how she hated her lab colleagues and the advice i gave her in different occasions, and how easy to say and how hard to do.

best leave God out of it too... i am quite sure what he would do with me... :(

love
waves

Dear Waves, :heartthrob: :heartthrob: :heartthrob:

Sometimes ANY change can help move you forward out of a bad mood situation. I wish you had more help moving on from where you are. . . .a talk therapist with a therapeutic program, a friend, . .
M

some "past due" replies.... before my credit runs out???
 

Dear Bobby
the motivation was called abject terror. i didn't really expect them to have an opening the same day but they did. so i took it... better than freak another week - hygenist only works Fridays.

some of my episodes last months and usually require medication. i can't medicate this one. what's worse, i have no friends, no support system here, and even the forum which used to be my safe haven... now isn't safe.

my faith is eclectic and shaky. sometimes i turn to God and other times i feel what right have i to do that with all my doubts - they should have called me Thomas. i also have a tendency to blend elements of multiple religions (like reincarnation, again with doubts).

love

more "past due" replies
 

Dear Steve
that is simply poetic! http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/nature/flower.gif

:smileypray::sing: :hug::hug::hug:


Dear Bizi
well i thought it was cute! (and also true when it comes to teeth.) ;)


Dear Donna
i appreciate the sentiment Donna. Thank you. :hug:

:grouphug:

waves

Dear Mari
 

thanks Mari. in short, me too. not sure how or where to fish for that right now. right now is when these things ought to be already in place, not the best time to seek them out, i guess :(

:hug::hug::hug:

waves

General rant
 

GENERAL RANT

i have a pdoc appt tuesday. we will see. i don't know if i should ask to go every week, just to force me out of the house. i wonder if at this point he will choose to medicate. he is taking NO initiative with meds (any more?). last time i asked if taking more or less of something might help. he said, no. so, changing tactic, i said, you don't think a little more depakote could help with the agitation? he said no, probably not. i said what if i took a bit more of my benzo. he said yes that might help. HELLO?????? what is this twenty questions???? i asked him well why didn't you suggest it to me then instead of waiting for me to ask! he said because i am so familiar with their effects on me i am the best judge. well that doesn't explain yes to one and no to the other does it??? the man was not making sense. :mad:

the friends i have here are... few and far between to give a generous count. it takes a long time to cultivate friendships, and when you've been home more than not, you not only don't cultivate, but lose the few you have. i find myself a fish out of water with most people here but do get on with the odd oddball, if you will. :o:rolleyes:

unfortunately my best friend here had her life turned upside with her mother being paralyzed - caring for her takes most of her non-working hours and leaves her physically and emotionally drained. she and i also live about 4 hours apart which further complicates things.

another two friends who were quite fun and smart, got married (to each other) and increased their sporting activities 10fold, or that is the excuse. i have called several times - they are too busy for the next month - great to hear from me - they will call me back - (they do not.)

another friend drifted off. our outings felt more and more empty and he was bothered if i called unexpectedly (a rarity) ... he seemed to become increasingly intolerant to interference with his lone wolf routine - perhaps says it all that he didn't have any other friends, either.

so there is a dual problem.
1. i feel at odds with this culture - still. hasn't changed. i know more what to expect, what (not) to say etc, but i don't get into this groove at all.

2. opportunities to meet people i might click with are not huge... classes would cost money, and are usually not nearby - a problem for evening activities. currently i don't think i could stand a group thing anyway.

despite what i have said in earlier posts, i have had a yearning to go to Church... or to a spiritual place. maybe i will try going to the Church when mass is not being held. just me. or talking to the priest. see now the latter is already scarier because of my mixed beliefs and systematic doubts in everything anyway. i cannot handle rejection right now.

thanks again to everyone for all of your patience reading. :grouphug:

waves

Waves,

Can you go walk in and sit in a church? Sit. Read. Think. Draw. Talk to yourself. Are they locked or open for walk ins? Do they have air conditioning?
You don't have to talk to anyone at all. I think you could establish a pattern of stopping by three times a week.
Talking to a priest can be a good idea, but for now, maybe you can just go. You could benefit from being somewhere that is not home. Is there a friendly church fairly close?

Even after I considered myself a non-believer, I went to mass to be with people. I would sit either in the very first few rows or in the very back in order to avoid people. The back gave me the option of coming in late or leaving early, but people and ushers are chattier in the back.
I needed to be around people who believed. I benefitted from the music. I would tune out the sermon.
I felt comfort in the sameness of the mass that I attended in childhood.

My suggestion is to go in the middle of the day or when the church is open for confessions and sit somewhere. People do not talk when they are there for confessions.
No one will talk to you when you are sitting -- talking will happen at the door or entrance way perhaps.

M

Dear Mari

yes every town has a Church. so yes, 5 min walk if that. it's the bus stop after my home stop.

used to be all churches were always open. now they shut them because people steal from them. i don't know if it is ever shut in the day though. also i do not know if i would be allowed to draw in there... i would just want to sit anyway. maybe read the hymnbook or mass booklet.

i will try to go out and find out. it is hard just to go out, anywhere, for anything. i had to take lorazepam to go to pdoc, and to the dentist.

i might try to make an info run (mass hours, confession hours, closed hours) when i go to the pharmacy. i need some meds so that i will have to do. but the pharmacy is much closer.

thank you for giving me some of the "what to expects" that i hadn't really thought of.

every time i walk into a Catholic church the very first thing that crosses my mind is a split thought between
--- i oughta cross myself with holy water out of respect
AND
--- i am not a "strict" believer so that would be sacrilege

and then there is the crossing the altar... aisle... arghhh i guess you know.... those things apply even when not in mass.

waves

Waves,
Some quick answers.
You can do whatever you please when you pass the holy water -- non believer or not.

I was not taught what to do about crossing the alter, so I make sure at least I cross in the back when no one cares much. . . . .or plan my route to the front a long the sides in such a way that I don't have to cross the alter.
Mostly the important thing is to be respectful about other people in the church -- folks who have come for their own reasons, their own issues, . . . You can handle being respectful and not disturbing anyone. :cool:

I used to take out a hymnal and use my fingers as if I were playing a song on the keyboard. If anyone noticed, they left me alone.

M.

It is ok to be in the church if you are not catholic...it is a place to be sacred if you wish. Do they have candles that you can light?
you could go and light one and send some good thoughts and ask for good thoughts. Most importantly is that you know that it is ok to be there. BECAUSE IT IS OK!!!
bizi