i don't how to go on any more.

i have a deathwish. i already feel dead inside.

i don't believe i would act on it because i'm afraid of success and failure:
--success because it would hurt my parents too much.
--failure because i could end up in worse conditions, with same deathwish.

i feel guilty for the deathwish. i believe in life but i can't seem to wrap myself around it any more.

objectively, i know i have so much more "going for me" than many do, despite the obstacles. but i can't seem to make any use of it.

i thought i knew how to walk around the proverbial pit, but here i am in it again.

thanks for listening anybody.

waves

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread157724.html

Sending some love across the miles.

Dear Waves,

Lots and lots of hugs.
Hold on. Keep yourself together every way you can. Tell the people around you what is happeniing. Also contact pdoc.


M

I've been through that too. It's a scary feeling. I've wanted to die,but that was awhile back. Let some time pass,do what you can to hang on,and things will change.

You have so much life within you,though you don't feel it now. Hang on. We all love you. You will be OK. Feelings crash sometimes,for us who have these mental health conditions. Don't feel guilty. I know what you are talking about. BF

dear Waves
i am so sorry you are feeling so much pain....and suffering so much...bipolar is a monster...at times it ties are hands behind our backs and laughs at us....it leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless and spits at reality. then gradually things change....you have to wait for the change but you need to vent and vent and get the poison out of you. keep on posting about your misery and suffering and pain. we are hear to listen. remember that eventually it loses its stranglehold.
love
bobby

I am sorry waves that you are feeling this badly.
I hope you have told your parents how badly you feel.
and by now you have called texted your pdoc too.
I am glad that you posted in the sos forum as well...they get it.
keep posting, I will keep checking back here to see if you are on and maybe want to chat over the weekend too. Jeff is gone friday night
(((((HUGS)))))
love to you
bizi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_6vuSLlDCo





David

(((Mari, Steve, Bobby, Bizi, Alffe)))

thank you all for your support.

there is no one i can talk to here. i cannot tell my parents. i've told them such things before and the replies were "don't be ridiculous" and "stop with that nonsense." or they just let it drop. when i have said in earnest i felt like doing myself in (past) my mom once said "that word isn't in my vocabulary.'

my pdoc is also my tdoc. i don't see that he can do anything for me. i can't take antidepressants due to the recent mania that was hard to quash - never took so much stupid depakote in my life.

i am too afraid of both success and failure to DO anything besides wish... so it's not like i'm in danger. tg because the general ward conditions here are awful and i can't afford a private room.

i feel that this is more existential than chemical. most of my life i have lived swayed by the thoughts of others. between that and manic impulses that do not last. ironically though during those times i have actually believed in myself enough to disregard others - and even good sense and go my own way, but it was always relatively short lived. manias end. depression follows if it did not precede but in either state the influence of others is heavy on me.

at some point, maybe i had choices. now, i feel as though i've lost myself completely.

waves washing up the empty shell

even if you are going through an existential crisis your bipolar is making it much worse. the intensity you are feeling cannot last for that long so soon you will get some relief even if you can't take antidepressants. it will pass...and growth will come.
love and keep on posting and give up on your parents
bobby

thanks Bobby.

yeah, i can't talk to them. i am so grateful for you guys here.

i sure hope it doesn't last long. i've had very long, deep, apathetic depressions before....

unpredictable though. bipolar is the epitomy of unpredictability isn't it. grrr.
love
waves