I hope you are feeling better today. It is OK to just do nothing sometimes. I also have trouble when I get someone preaching to me to sacrifice because Jesus did. It is painful enough to have the trouble we do. Don't let it get to you. I know your family probably means well. I think of you often and appreciate the responses you give to people. That is true giving, even when you don't feel good. Have a good rest of the day waves. ginnie

Waves

Nice to see you posting again.

Donna

hi.

well i have just had 2 days where i was supposed to go to the city and i was just too anxiety ridden. today it was triggered. yesterday i woke up with it... it was like i had a monkey on my back all day. slightly agitated too.

all i want to to is eat and cook stuff. cooking is satisfying. editing photos in photoshop is really laborious at this point... i am a perfectionist... i mean i have FIVE versions of the same dang photo for some months... ended up having to mask different flowers to do different adjustments in the same picture... crazy stuff... and multiply that by about 10 - there were 2 that didn't require it. although. and never mind the touchups...

yesterday i filled in the 2 missing shots with 2 unused ones from last year. but then i didn't have a vertical one for the cover at all. so i did manage to take a picture of a recently acquired plant which might not last long. see, the "just take more pictures" was not exactly easy doint... the calendar mostly targets cactus flowers and/or new plants. the flowers are not in flower any more! for the plants, i need the right light, and i need the parents away - at the same time. and i needed to swap phones because i am sick of dealing with the cyan-skewed photos my current cell makes. add anxiety to the mix and ... well...

.... add lorazepam to that and i managed, in between cooking.

i ate lorazepam and slept today also after a conversation that got me feeling really under the gun about the whole work/unemployment/retirement dealy here... so scared.

anyway, the calendar is essentially complete right now - i.e. if i t had to go to print as is, it wouldn't be the end of the world, only of my perfectionism. there are still 2 pix i want to tinker with more to try to imrpove.

once i've got that calendar "really" finished (tinkered & printed) i should be around more. if i send Christmas cards they won't get there in time now. i may try to send some anyway. that means digging and decisions and anxiety and time. i feel more overwhelmed than ever. so i may not do that. my pdoc is off this week and next week i may not be able to see him.

thank you all for reading my updates and for all of your kind and encouraging responses. i apologize for not replying individually. if i set myself up for that, i probably would not be able to respond at all the way i am now. but i did want to post an update and let you all know that your support does mean a lot to me. so this is the compromise.



~ waves ~

Thank you for posting and you don't have to respond to each of us. What you have done is perfect. WE get to hear from you and I am very happy that you are almost done with your calender!!!!! Good job! I don't think I will send christmas cards this year. I just finished half a bottle of mead wine, mulled with spices. warmed me up. It is a honey wine, sweet.
Maybe when you finish the calender to your liking you can rest a bit.
hugs to you tonight (((((HUGS))))
bizi

No christmas cards here. I am just not motivated to send them.

heehee.

So I think its unanimous so far.

Donna

I hope you were able to get out, even if just for a little while. I hope your results of tests came back OK. I also do not like going where there are huge crowds. I live in a place that has lots of tourism. To aviod the crowds can be a challange. I also avoid crowds because they bring from up north, all their colds and flu! When I do go out, as I did this morning, I try to keep my distance. I went to the Island book sale, and the small parade we have here each year. I am on the west coast of fla. Our community is small except for the tourists. Hope you can be at ease and enjoy some of the festives at this time of year. I got lots of beads from the parade, and tossed candy.You would think at my age I wouldn't enjoy it, but I do. I put the beads on my small tree. Have a good day, with good results. ginnie

so you guys get beads too!!!!!!
bizi

Dear Ginnie,

thanks for the reply. it sounds like you might be the only one that read my post saturday, about intending to go out to get my cardio results. i felt awful that day. i didn't do anything. and then i felt stupid about the post. nobody had tagged it or replied, so instead of reporting back i just deleted it. it was long and whiny and stupid anyway.

tomorrow though, those results need to be retrieved, by hook or by crook! mom offered and i was going to let her. then i realized my ID is expired. Argh!! so we figured it would better if i go in person. then they have my ugly mug right in front of them and i can sign something in front of them too if they want to fuss. i hope they don't. i REALLY need those results TOMORROW. the pickup windows will still be closed when i have my appointment Tuesday.

at least tomorrow they will be open all afternoon. Also mom told me how to avoid the subway completely to get to/from home, if i want. so that has taken the edge off the travel anxiety. surface transportation is slower but the subway is the one that is supersardinesquashjampacked at all hours lately because of the fairs/expos.

i don't know if i will do anything else tomorrow besides get those results. that is the mission. if something else falls out of it too, great, but not going to plan for that. enough stress as is.

~ waves ~

Waves

Good luck retrieving your cardio paperwork tomorrow.

I had read it. But you stated you were n't sure you would go.

So I didn't say anything.

Donna

sorry sweetie,
good luck getting those results tomorrow. It sounds very hectic a day. glad that your mom gave you some tips to travel. hoping that you won't be too stressed. and I hope the results are alright.
sending some good thoughts your way.
((((HUGS))))
bizi