Dear waves,
I just wanted you to know how much of an asset you are to these forums.
You are smart and funny and serious and thoughtful.
I have grown to know you and love you over the past 8 years that we have been posting together.
This is home to us, we are family.
I am hoping that your depression lifts soon and that you are feeling better.
I thank Doc John for having these forums for us to bond and create special friendships.
you my friend are a treasure.
love to you
bizi

Dear Waves,

'Lots of hugs. 'Wishing you wellness.

M

Dear Bizi

thank you for starting this thread. i couldn't believe my eyes. and so many kind things to say of me. i guess i don't feel any of them right now. but thank you. for a few moments, i got to see myself through your eyes.

you are a dear, special friend and a treasure yourself. i am blessed to have had your friendship all these years.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Mari

Thank you. Your long-standing support means the world to me.

(((hugs))) backatcha

~ waves ~

My sweet and wise friend....

I dont know what I would do without you... To have you in my life is a bleesing... You are like the sister i wish I would have had...

I love to read all your posts... always wise and full of truth and culture...

I hate when you suffer.... I feel so sorry when you are down...

I want you to be happy and in peace....

In me you have a friend, a sister... hope you know that already.

Thank you for everything you have done for me !!!!!

Dear Majo

thank you for taking the time to post right in the middle of this exam business. and thank you also for just being here and being you.

i am glad we have each other here and happy to be your sister and friend.

so glad your exam went well. it had to. you have so much perseverance. i admire that in you and try to learn from you in that, you know?

much love to you and thank you again.

~ waves ~

Waves you are the Rock and the heart of our room.

You are the reason many of us can take our meds the right way.

You always find the best in everyone else.

Its time you find it in your self.


We find it in you.


Love donna

Dear Donna

well. I am flattered. i don't know what to say. i will give it a shot here...

Well first, I think this forum has many hearts and many rocks... we take turns being weaker and stronger. i am in a weak spot right now for reasons i can't count beyond what might be chemical.

Medwise, much credit goes to my first pdoc who taught me the ropes - he was literally a med guru who just loooooved to explain stuff, very intelligent, never intimidated, and so, to my incessant childlike questions on every option he offered (yes, options and discussion before scripts ), he would give more and more intricate answers until either i or he were out of our depth! He was an MD in psychiatry, PhD in Neurology, and had specialized training in Pharmacology. He taught me enough to be able to research on my own, and understand what i was reading. So, i have to pass the thanks to him for my abilities to share here. He was at their origin.

Finding the best in myself ... well depression can make that very hard. i am uninspired to do many of the things i used to do and inspiration, even a little, is a requirement for the creative process. i miss doing these things and i see this gaping hole in my life, how could i not. It hasn't been a month or even a year, where one can say "this too shall pass." Other than the odd glimmers here and there, it's been over a decade that i've missed soooo many things which i value in myself.... the creative spirit.

I appreciate you saying you guys find good things about me. And I realize that in general, as a person, i have good and bad just like the next guy. (Gotta wonder about Ted Bundy though, eh?)

But i feel my soul ripped out.

I don't feel guilty about it - just lost without it.

Thanks Donna, for such a thoughtful post, and for reminding me i am valuable at the forums, even if i am not creative right now.

~ waves ~

Waves,

I totally understand about being lost.

Every decade or two we can redefine how we think of ourselves. If I ever was creative I certainly am not now. I can recognize creativity in others and appreciate it. That's were I am now. I don't know how I would define myself today

I am a survivor. Somedays that's where I am in my head.

Most of the time, I don't think I define myself at all. I don't try to put a pin on anything. I stay fluid. I might be able to describe myself by age, my hubby and family, where I live, . . . . but none of those are who I am.
I think that who I am might be revealed at some later date.

. . . just saying to you that you can forgive yourself for moving away from the person you used to be. You have gifts. You are still you -- a you who is deserving.

M

Dear Marithanks.

i feel i have lost something simply essential. A big thing that is part of who i am and ever will be and has ramifications far and wide. It is stilting.

yes you are. i can relate to that too. sometimes it's all i can do to get through waking hours... even sleeping hours when the bad dreams hit.

i see these things as circumstantial, not essential. they answer questions like how, where and why, but not who, and those answers may vary widely over ones lifetime. i firmly believe that who a person is remains the same in spirit, in essence.... that "the song remains the same." i believe a person can cultivate themselves in different ways, but that their growth in one direction or another will simply be alternate variations on a theme.

put simply, you will not grow an apple tree from a pumpkin seed.

quite possible. and makes me question, for myself also, have i been misled... lol... have i misread the "call"... maybe my call has not yet come. i think however that we can hear a call and answering it may not always be easy. i think the ease may ebb and flow with circumstance. i believe i have been pulled far enough i cannot hear it. that does not mean it is not there. i believe it is.

I cannot forgive something i do not feel guilt for. i have made mistakes - we all do - but i also made a lot of progress. And besides that i believe in circumstance. Some kids will die before they are 1 year old because of their circumstances. Are they supposed to feel guilty too? Can i just be scared and sad and feel lost, period?

What am i supposed to feel guilty / forgive myself for?

Inspiration comes and goes. It has been too long and i miss it much as i would a good friend with whom i've lost touch. After a while you wonder if the friend is... alive. But this friend is within me, it is my core. I don't know how else to get that across. I feel pitted.

However i do not feel like i did this to myself. I do not feel i pitted myself. I snatch at the slightest hint of inspiration. But when the wind doesn't blow, it just doesn't blow.... it's a bit like trying to control the weather... I think the most i could possibly do is attempt some sort of acceptance? ...that the magic wind has left me... abandoned this instrument.

Well thank you. I think you are trying to remind me to look at what is left rather than what is lost. It's just that what is lost is soooo big.... it is not easy. Then again maybe it's like when a word is on the tip of your tongue. The harder to you try to get it, the more elusive it becomes. Perhaps if i stop seeking inspiration it will find me again?


You always provide much food for thought Mari. I appreciate that. You help me process things. This one really hit the gut. (that currently gaping donut hole... )

I will try to find ... or notice ... other uses ...
... for the instrument, for now lost at sea

~ waves ~ without wind are not a sea