it is funny isn't it how easy it is to beat oneself up and not be able to feel anything if one achieves something. it is as if we are supposed to only achieve and never have setbacks or something like that. suicidal ideation is a really tricky subject. today i went to the senior center and got my ticket. one of the guys who is 83 is thinking of having another round of electric shock treatment. Eddie is depressed now too. I think Mark says most of the time he is depressed. they are also in their eighties. i don't dare ask them if they were depressed in their sixties.
how can we grow our world again? I hate being bipolar.
love
bobby-your words resonated(sp)

hi

that's great that you made it to the center and got signed up for the party. did you stay for lunch too, or just go to sign up?

i wonder if any of those guys has major depressive disorder or bipolar, or whether it is just a senior thing. many elderly folk are affected by depression even if they don't have such a dx. especially those who are alone, or who have lost many friends and relatives already. ECT scares me, especially for someone elderly... but if he has had it before and it helps... that is so personal. i don't think i could do it.

yes, suicidal ideation is very tricky isn't it. twisted logic can enter the picture. are you having actual ideation lately? i am glad you have faith. that gives you a positive edge. and remember that others would feel your loss tremendously ... you touch many lives more deeply than you probably even realize... from your cleaning lady to the people at the senior center to all of us here at the forum, and i haven't even added your friends, neighbors and your sister.

btw have you done any more english with your cleaning lady?

good job scooting out today for that ticket.

love you.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
I'm taking a break at work. You speak clearly. I find it heartbeaking that you are struggling so.

Keep heart.

M

i went home and came back for lunch. one of the people might have major depressive disorder. another one at the table also had electric shock treatment but she is fine now. i think she is also in her eighties. Both said it really helped them. Mike isn't eager to have another treatment. I don't know if this would be his third or fourth. they all live alone. one who suffers from depression was abused throughout his childhood.
Yes I am having the ideation lately. Are you? the pain isn't bad though. I keep on thinking of situations to worry about. the last few times i tried to do english with Maria she said she had a headache lol. I think i might have been too persistent but we did make progress.
love
bobby

I apologize
bobby

Dear Bobby,
Yes. Growing your world be good. Also repairing your world would be good.
I think you write like a philosopher sometimes.

M

last night was a weird time. i have had a chronic problem for at least half a year and don't want to tell my doctor because i am afraid he will make me take tests. i am afraid of tests. i am afraid of doctors. when i was badly burnt the pain was excruciating and i developed post traumatic system from the explosion. i said to myself that i would rather die than go through pain again.
that was in79 and if anything i have gotten worse. supposedly my heart and lungs are okay and i have a physical in a couple of weeks which i am scared of. last night i was trying to make peace with death and was just obsessed with death. I am such a frightened person. it is getting worse with age.
guess i will try to read a book and escape
bobby

Dear Bobby

i would try to confide in the doctor. sometimes the things we do for chronic problems aren't the right ones and we end up prolonging issues that are simply resolved given the correct solution.

sure, the doctor may suggest tests, but cannot make you take them.

anyway, first, you will be asked about symptoms, what you have tried and any coinciding changes in your daily activities, diet, meds, or any asepects that could be influencing factors. i encourage you to report all "differences" that you might have noticed that might coincide with the bothersome one. for instance supposing you started having headaches around the same time, or more anxiety... or whatever. i'm just throwing things out there. sometimes symptoms that seem unrelated to us actually are, so i encourage you to try to convey the "full picture" to the physician.

then the doctor may give you some med to try or labs to do and/or send you to a specialist. he or the specialist may or may not suggest any invasive tests, and it is always up to you what you do.

remember nobody can so much as force a pill down your throat if you don't want it. you are your own master. doctors are our learned health counselors and, only if we accept a given counsel, care providers.

love

~ waves ~

maybe at your physical you can ask to talk with the doctor before getting into your gown which is so awful to me...hate the gowns leaves me feeling so naked and vulnerable.
write up a list so you have something to hold onto and gather your thoughts.
You need some knowledge, something to help alleviate your fears. If you have been dealing with these issues for a long time...how much more fear can you take, it is eating you alive.
Please consider being honest about your body.
He or she could really help you.
bizi

Dear Bobby,

Myabe it will help to tell your doctor. You can refuse any tests if the doc mentions them.

My own pdoc refused strongly recommended surgery on his ankle.

Talk about what is goign on . . it might help you to get it out at the doc's office. Then do what I do ---- "forget" to make the appt for the test, complain about how much the test will cost me, . . . . .

I hope you can be ok.

Mari