Dear Bobby,

i have been thinking about you. (((hugs)))

i am glad you had the Chinese food - sometimes we need things like that. it's ok to treat yourself once in a while, and in this case, you really needed the nurturing. Can you see it as nurturing instead of "cheating?" I don't know what dish you had, but many chinese dishes are very healthy even if they don't match your diet, as such. and even if it was one of the fried greasy ones... that doesn't change things in terms of needing the nurturing.

i am really proud of how consistent you have been with the many adjustments you made to your eating habits, starting off with the diet plan. it has been a long time now and even with recent variations on the diet and small gains and losses of the odd pound, it seems you are keeping your weight even, which is really good. you can refocus on losing more when you feel stronger.

Sorry you couldn't hold a good conversation with your friend. Perhaps it was more valuable than you think though. You kept company with her for a while, and that is nothing to sneeze at.

i hope you finish The Road Less Traveled soon if it is bringing you down... too evocative or whatever. remember you can always just set it down and not finish it, if it is overwhelming you. i am sorry you were riddled with criticism so much as a child. :( it is so hard to break out of thinking patterns formed at a young age and enforced by authoritative figures for a long time. i wish things had been different for you.

lots of love :circlelove:

~ waves ~

Your beating yourself up...please don't do this.
you are wonderful and we love you just the way you are.
It hurts to hear how unhappy your child hood was, I am sorry.
When we were at the fair last year...they were selling fried butter no joke. so there are much worse things to eat than chinese food.
(((((HUGS)))))
lpve bizi

i smiled at fried butter. i had lo mein and egg drop soup and am up a pound.i have to watch it since i am inactive and found out two months ago it is easy to gain four or five pounds with little trouble. i do beat myself up quite easily.
i grew up into adulthood with constant criticism from my parents so it is so hard to break the habit of being self critical. that is about all i heard from them. i didn't sleep last night except for a couple of hours. strange i didn't wake up depressed. i think i was too tired. i really love the road less traveled. it is unique and i can understand why it is a classic. I have heard about it for years. thanks for the heads up about the conversation with my friend. i sent her an email -a follow up- about depression. by accident i came across dr weil's definition of depression when he wrote that one of its symptoms was anxiety. she thought that anxiety and depression were different with anxiety being fear based. i wonder if the underlying negative undercurrent of depression makes one lean towards fear. any thoughts.
i wish i could feel better about myself. right now i am hoping that the road less traveled will make me feel better about myself. he presents life in a different way and i can relate to it so far. right now i am on the love part. i ama so confused. i used to be very honest and spoke my mind and got into a lot of trouble because of it. now because i know i am bipolar and because i think the medications have robbed me of a certain strength to handle the repercussions and because now my resources are a lot more limited, i use a lot more restrength and don't seem to no longer be the person i used to be.
i am always holding back or practically always holding back when dealing with others and often feel hollow and passive.
love
bobby

Hi Bobby
 

I really hope you sleep better tonight. Sorry your night was rough. I get like that too, I just can't shut off the brain from going on the merry-go-round, more like nightmares-go-round and round. I wish I had a solution. I often read at night, even in the middle of the night, to settle down and try and get sleepy.
Depression and anxiety I think are one and the same. They go hand in hand it seem. I get on the low end too, where I feel as low as a person can get.
I am a bit that way this morning and scared too. Got my biopsy report, and he wants to see me on the 7th. I wish he would have told me about it before then, cause waiting is hard.
I want you to know I care about you. Even with my own problems this site, and the people I need alot too. I come here for comfort when I am sad. It is the people here who help restore my balance. Please be good to yourself today, and maybe take a nap. I am thinking about you bobby, ginnie

thank you ginnie. can you call back the doctor's office and tell the nurse you are bipolar and need to know the results of the biopsy over the phone since you are severely anxious. i would be going out of my mind and be paralysed.
if the results were bad, i think he would have wanted an earlier appointment but that is my take on it.
i have generalized anxiety too but some people think that generalized anxiety is part of bipolar. a nap sounds good but right now i am so wired. i thought i wasn't going to go to the senior center and just hang out in bed and try to read but realized that would really be bad for me because i could really slip into a bad depression. I just ordered another book by Peck who wrote the road less traveled and saw there were more of his books. amazon is so great because you can buy a lot of books for less than one dollar and pay 3.99 for shipping.
good luck
bobby

Re: I did tell the nurse that
 

Hi Bobby, I did tell the nurse, she would tell the doctor that. I already have barretts esophagus, and pre-cancer, so this does have me worried sick. I will call back this afternoon and see if I can get a responce. I actually couldn't get in before the 7th, as I have 4 other doctors visits. Unfortunately I have several things on my plate all at once, and I cannot deal with more than one a day. Dentist, PCP, painspecialist, foot specialist, endocranologist in the works too. It is alot to bare, and I am sure glad I have the friends here Bobby, or I would be a stark raving lunatic!. I know where to go when frightened, right here among my friends who understand these feelings of panick and helplessness. It is not easy for any of us. Take care today, and I will too. I will hang out a bit here, and read a good book inbetween. ginnie:hug:

Dear bobby, I am glad that you like the book and happy there are more by him that you can read after this one. Even though you are tired I hope you do go to the center....they would miss you if you were not there.
(((((HUGS))))
love you
bizi

dear ginnie
i don't know how you do it. i can't make myself go to the doctors. i have one scheduled for two weeks for the completion of a physical but have to make one for eye doctor which i am scared about and doing nothing about my teeth.
you should be so proud of yourself. what courage you have.
bobby

Bizi
you are so sweet
love
bobby

thank you Bobbiy
 

Thank you for the support, I sure need it at times. Today I see a new dentist. I found out information on our dental forum to make a better choice. My last dentist wanted me to spend 3 grand to save 1 tooth that was no salvageable to begin with. The doc was out for money I don't have. I lost all trust, so I am seeing a new one this morning. I have lost 3 teeth, really because on medicare/nedicaid, there is no extra to take care of teeth, and no program for the poor. I hope to get a bridge at some point.
So I am a bag of nervers this a.m. always am when I go to the dentist, or really any doctor. I just flutter inside. I know where to go, right here where I feel the comfort.
Have a good day Bobby, I will get back to you and let you know what they plan to do with me. with all the other surgeries I had, it had been 8 years since my last dental check up. It is the almighty dollar, be good ginnie