[TBI/PTSD]

I started my internship. I thought I found an oasis w the park service. I do like the people, what they do and working for them. The problem is that they are in DC. I CAN'T DO THE COMMUTE. I cannot do it in a car, in a train, on a bus, I can only do it if someone drives me with my service dog.

The other HUGE thing is that the first day of my job, the guy that is showing me around and getting my creds set up took me to lunch with another woman. She called my dog fat. She was crass all around. Anyway a huge part of my PTSD is from my ex husband, he drained the transmission fluid out of my car, he would get really drunk, get out his 45 and wave it around and tell me that he should kill me. So the lady, in the first 15 minutes of sitting down with her she says " hey, do you know so and so (my ex)." she said he had a dog just like mine. No ****, the dog we got on out honeymoon, the dog that I had to leave because my husband was soooo abusive after 5 mos of marriage I volunteered to go to iraq ant told him that if he wanted to start acting like a husband, I would be back from Iraq in 13 mos. never heard from him.

Since then, I have looked over my shoulder, did double takes of the cars/motorcycles he drove. Been paranoid of calls from private numbers because that is how he got in touch with me before. I am scared.

So when the lady asked me if I knew my ex initially I played it off like I didn't. But then I said to myself, no....I deserve to tell her. So I said "yes, I do know him and he is the reason for a whole lot of my PTSD and I really need you to respect my privacy and not tell your husband (one of my ex's best friends). I told her I have spent six years getting away from that situation, and I don't want him to know anything about me nor do I him. So mysteriously I get a text from another one of my ex's best friends. The guy showing me the ropes at work is very good friends with this woman so I can't trust him. She violated my trust. There is no way that was a coincidence, a text from a guy I haven't heard from in years. My ex and all these friends of him were Force Recon, and very close and crazy too. So I don't trust that *****, the guy showing me around. Oh and the woman's husband will be working there too soon.I just want to work in the woods, in nature with my dog at peace.

I just can't even think about going back in the city, I can't do it. It is black when I think about it. It is contrary to everything I have been working on.

Two nice things I have to report about it...I tried on my ranger uniform with the fine smokey bear hat and I learned how wonderful the people of DC are. I usually watch the news and never go into the city so I thought it was bad.

Went to the doc yesterday and sobbed, felt so good. I am going back today for social worker.

I am so exhausted and trying to keep track of my behaviors for mania. I am very irritable. So *edit* moron pet my dog at Costco. I went off on the guy. I said "do you have kids? Can I pet your kids on the head? You don't know what is wrong with me. He said well I love dogs. I said"do you know how many times a day I hear that? I don't care what you love. What I want to do is get my groceries and get out of here. I get so ******. Prob not good for me to be driving. Oh and I am finally quitting cigars. Yesterday was day 1!

I really need feedback-- sorry this is long.

[Mari]

Originally Posted by TBI/PTSD

So *edit* moron pet my dog at Costco. I went off on the guy. I said "do you have kids? Can I pet your kids on the head?

Oh, Dear,

How absolutely awful. How many times and how many ways do you have to get away from the ex. ? ?

It is really ok that you are scared. Fear helps us be careful. Fear talks to us.

Originally Posted by TBI/PTSD

So *edit* moron pet my dog at Costco. I went off on the guy. I said "do you have kids? Can I pet your kids on the head?

Is there a way you can stay out of Costco? I shop at a tiny grocery store that is part of a huge chain. This chain offers more service than other grocery stores and the prices are a little more. I like having the extra service in case I need help. Most of the time I do not need help, but in a service oriented store, I welcome the help.

I have not been to Costcos but I am been to SAMS a handful of times -- it is too busy, too huge for walking, and most importantly, it has too much stimulation. I have to come home and rest from that much torture.

Also, I only shop at my tiny neighbor hood store during off hours -- 10:00 am, 3:30 pm, 9:30 pm --- times when the costomers are not around and staff can be attentive. Occassionally random people come up to me but I smile and look down. Sometimes I pretend I do not see them and keep going. I have perfected the whole look of "I do not see you so I am going to go on about my business."

What is your dog wearing? Does your dog have a shirt or something on that says."SERVICE DOG or Working Dog.
Maybe you need a sign that says I get angry easily, leave me the heck a lone. Many days i need a sign like that.

I avoid eye contact when I am out in public so that no one tries to say hello, ask a dumb question, or offer to help. I want to be a lone in public.


Anyway, these are some quick thoughts. Reconsider your grocery store.

I am sorry that the RECON stuff seems to be back in your life. Stay away. Stay completely away from anyone who remotely has a connection with your ex.
Keep yourself safe emotionally, physically, mentally, spritually.

Mari

[Mari]

Hi,

I understand what you are saying. Do something good for yourself today. Do something helpful that has worked for you in the past.

M

[bizi]

What an ordeal.
and I am so sorry that you were abused by your ex...and having to deal with those feelings again.
be kind to yourself
YOu are stronger than you think.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Dmom3005]

Sending hugs.

I think you have a lot to think about.

Donna

[TBI/PTSD]

So I called the big boss at the park service after meeting with my case manager, talking to my old counselor on the phone and an appt with my new counselor. I told him what happened and that I don't feel safe there. They are moving me to a new section with new people. I will still have to commute. I will change my work days to MWF so I get a break in between to recover and exercise because a day of work exhausts me to no end.

Once again I decided it is not time to quit cigars.

Mari, we have alot in common. I do go to Costco when the doors open. Trip wears a bright orange vest that says "service dog" " do not pet" he has been verrrrryyyyy protective of me in my current state, which is just what he is supposed to do. I look art the floor and avoid eye conact with people and totally isolate myself which is how i feel most comfortable when i dont HAVE to be interacting. Yesterday I was way too tired to go paddle boarding so I may try again today.

It is so super frustrating that everyone's TBI/PTSD is so different because even they don't understand. I get such solace from you all. Thank you.

Hilary

[TBI/PTSD]

Originally Posted by Dmom3005

Sending hugs.

I think you have a lot to think about.

Donna

Donna, what do you mean?

[waves]

Dear Hilary

I'm so sorry to read of that awful day and those "flashback-causing" encounters with all those very real links to your old life and the betrayals that ensued... how terrifying.

it sounds like you like the work part of it - the nature part, so i'm glad you will be moved to another section and with a schedule that sounds like it will work better for you, i sure hope so.

i hope you can somehow figure out the commute. is there an organization that could help? perhaps your counselor would know if there is one that might provide rides, or groups of volunteers in your area doing that.

or maybe if it's not every day it will be ok. you might find you'll be able to tolerate it after a while. do you want to share what about the ride is bothersome? is it people-proximity per se, or is it more their indirect effects such as noise or visual distractions? think it might help to wear a walkman / listen to music? maybe combined with reading? sometimes when i really need to blot out sounds i wear earplugs AND headphones over them. i'm just tossing out stuff but not sure what it is that is most troubling to you so not sure if this is helpful.

hey Hilary you've been through so much now you deserve some joy and some peace in your life and i do wish you that!

and one more thing --- good job quitting the cigars very temporarily, even if there was just one that didn't get smoked when it might have... practice makes perfect LOL... ;>

i send you hugs

~ waves ~

[mymorgy]

i too am sending you hugs. thank God you have your dog. you are in such a hard place. i have pstd too. I still can't handle the anxiety and have made my world very small. i was in an explosion. I can't imagine your situation. what a fluid nightmare. It makes mine look like nothing. I don't know. if your cigar smoking was nurturing, give it second thoughts about giving it up. you need all the nurturing you can get until you find a safe place that is at least a little bit comfortable
bobby

[bizi]

Dear Hilary I am glad that they are trying to make this work for you.
You are so fortunate to have found a job when so many people are out of work.
I like the idea of working mwf too.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi