[burton975]

Cut the clutter, don’t look back, and progress, it’s a “catch 22” kind of a thing. Because technically in the end, none of It matters; what does matter though is right now. All that matters now for me is getting through this life without killing myself. Yes, I’m still the same person from my last writing (http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread165127.html); however the honey moon is kind of over with the music (still better, just not bullet proof) helping me. Yes I’m alive because of it and got to experience a lot of great things in the last 5 years, however I did not progress on some things and now I’m paying for it dearly.

My current life is ok (outside of being in a dictator ship environment for most of the week), but I know in the long run, my life will end. Even though I live by my favorite quote which is – “life doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be lived (easier said than done).” I’m trying to move forward, but it is extremely difficult on some things, because of how bad the economy is. The good part is; I'm pretty certain my life will be ok if I can accomplish a couple of things. I know I have to make leaps, sacrifices, and do risk that are out of my comfort zone or else the game of life is over for me. Because in the long run they will help; weather I fail or succeed. I have no problem failing (a lot better than being in a dictator ship environment), because I know that one day I’ll die anyways.

I got a dog which has been great, also I got a Roommate both can be good at times, but at the same time it brings some frustration that I wasn’t considering. And this has brought some mania back.

I’m at a point now where all things I’ve done in the past don’t matter. I've kept a journal over the years, and I erased all of the bad stuff, and kept all of the good things that have happened in the last 5 years which helps.

I have a new goal – that is to get through life without killing myself, if things don’t change then I probably will after both of my parents ( both of who I love so much) pass away (I hope not for a long time). One thing I respect more than anything is “a parent should never have to bury their kid.”

Does anything really matter what I do? Yes and no, however it will get me through this life without killing myself. It’s pretty funny when I think after i'm done thinking of killing myself. Cant explain it, but I just go over well I could do this and this and etc......

I mean no disrespect by this, but I often wish I would get murdered (as long as it’s quick and painless), or die by a freak accident (lighting, something falling out of the sky, or etc as long as it doesn’t affect anyone).

I’m Up against the world and I’m dying a slow painful death that I'm starting to see. The good thing is, I still have good weeks, but they are tarnishing month by month. I guess Ill just have to wait and see (I've been doing this for ages, and it gets me no where). This world is full of backstabbers, and people that want to take advantage of people, and i'm also getting sick and tired of that aspect of life as well.

[bizi]

You have a lot of emotional work left to do...hard stuff. I wish it were easier for you. You are stronger than you think.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Mari]

Originally Posted by burton975

I’m Up against the world and I’m dying a slow painful death that I'm starting to see. The good thing is, I still have good weeks, but they are tarnishing month by month.

Burton,

I am sorry that you are hurting.

Allow the good people of the world to help you. I feel that you are trying to do this on your own. Reach out to every health care professional available, go to a psychiatrist and a therapist, go to your family doc, go to nami.org, see if you have a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support group near you, start your own meetup.com for people with bipolar, . . . reach out.

Do you talk to people who are helpful to you?

Can you get outside and go for a walk by water or trees or lots of sky? Nature can be healing and can help you live in the Now.

The pay off to taking steps toward getting well is huge. Rewards await.

M

[Mari]

Hi,

How is it going?

Mari

[waves]

Dear Burton

i am so sorry to hear you are suffering and struggling to such an extent. I do recall your last writing you were in a much stronger place. What I can tell you is I've spent long periods feeling my life was in slow decline and wanted not to wake up... those periods ended. So now when I find myself in such a time, I tell myself, probably it will end sooner or later (and not meaning by death). Take heart. You may find yourself in a stronger place again sooner than you expect. I say this not to diminish the difficulties you face as I understand they are completely real. Simply I say to you there is hope, and if you have lost touch with hope for now, in any case I and I know others here at the forum have hope your behalf.

I hear you mentioning the return of mania, but sometimes mania is not "clean." you sound like you have some very severe depression, and maybe some mania pops up in the middle of that too, creating mixed states? Those are very hard to deal with indeed. The hardest, actually.

I wonder if you have a counselor and if not i hope you'll consider seeking one out. in your current situation i'd go so far as to recommend weekly or at least biweekly sessions... because of how much is going on both internally (emotionally) and externally in your life.

Mari has some good suggestions as to reaching out and organizations that could be helpful and not costly.

I also agree with her on spending some time alone in nature if possible. Do five senses exercises with nature...
-- feel the ground beneath your feet, raindrops falling, the breeze against your cheek, its temperature
-- see the broadness of the sky, the horizon, a sunset, intricate patterns in plants
-- hear the wind blow and the trees rustle, the birds sing, the insects chitter
-- smell scented flowers, cut grass, the air after it has rained
-- taste ... i'm a bit lost on this one, i don't suggest eating random greenery. you could take a fruit with you and eat that. that could count.

Excerpts from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann 1927

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
.
.
.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

sending good thoughts to you

~ waves ~

[mymorgy]

waves
that was beautiful
love
bobby

[burton975]

Thanks waves, and Bobby.

I’m Up against the world and I’m dying a slow painful death that I'm starting to see. The good thing is, I still have good weeks, but they are tarnishing month by month.

What I mean by this is - 5 years ago I said that I would finally relax and enjoy life (which I did) with saying that in 2 years I will start again tiring to accomplish some things in a different way, or maybe things will just work them selves out, well 3 years later I haven’t gotten any where, and now I’m being slammed in the head in another area that I can’t talk about. If I could just accomplish one thing (that I’m working hard on now), and have some luck in another area, I know I’ll be more than fine. However 3 years are gone and I’m not getting any younger. Although I usually don’t care what other people think, but when people push my buttons over and over and over then my next favorite quote comes out which is “The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”

[Mari]

Dear Burton,

Are you setting goals for yourself? Why? Really. Seriously rethink what you are doing to yourself.

My goal each morning is two part:
1 To live (stay alive)
2 To do so with some degree of grace.

That is it. Most days I meet both goals. They are hard but I can manage them.

Please find some one who can help you --- a spiritual advisor, a counselor, a therapist, .. ..


Whatever you are trying to accomplish is not worth this pain you have right now. Change your goals. THat is my suggestion.

M

[burton975]

Some things can’t be figured out. Like some people can’t understand why when a person wins the lotto they still work. I can understand it. If I were to win a billion dollars, I would quit my regular job, and then own a NBA team that would involve working nonstop hours. But that’s not a goal, that’s a pipe dream. There is nothing wrong with having goals. For me, yes I was like that 3 years ago where I did not care about what job I had. But when you have to go to a place 40 hours a week, where you don’t get challenged, getting treated bad even when doing a good job, can’t contribute to society, getting belittled, and just sit in a chair where you can’t even learn about anything. Then your brain and your mind go stale when you not there as well.
Thanks for the suggestions. But I should take my own advice from my last article of that it’s up to me to make this life work.

[bizi]

hello burton, nice to see a post from you.
life is what we make of it.
everything is attitude.
fall down 7 times get up 8...
happiness is a decision....
some favorites of mine.
((((HUGS))))
bizi