dear mari, I did not know that this was a pattern for you. sorry that yoou have to deal with this as well as your other issues.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
bizi

Yes, it is a long term pattern for me and perhaps why I do not like to sleep.

M

Steve,

I am sorry that you deal with that.

I wonder how our lives might have been different. Sometimes -- like today -- I have regret.
Regret is probably not useful, but today that is where I am.

M

I have only had scarey visions when I was psychotic. Do you think it could be your bipolar acting up?
bizi

I do not know, Bizi.
I do not know if it is related to my bipolar or what.
It could be weird thing where I dream even though I am not asleep.
BUT if so, that does not explain everything.

M

I'm like Bizi. I only hallucinate when I'm psychotic. Risperadol fixes it for me.

Funny story. In my thirties, when I was manic I was sure that someone was breaking into our home, bugging our phones etc. I was a busy mom with a bunch of little kids and I kept seeing people in the house so it was pretty crazy. We came home from town one day to find the house trashed. There were clothes on the floor, stuff all over the place, it was a mess. I turned to my husband and said, "See, I told you. They've been here again." He looked at me and sighed, "Honey, it's always like this."

We laugh about it now but it was tough at the time. The worse was that I thought I recognized some of the visions so I would accuse people. Wouldn't it be nice if we could keep the crazy to ourselves when we're manic?

Hi,

Thank you for the laugh today. This cracks me up.

Yes. It would be good to find a way to keep the crazies to ourselves ---especially at work -- hubby is used to it somewhat --- coworkers and others not so much.

M

Dear Mari

I honestly do not believe your vision (i refuse to call it a hallucination in this case) was due to bipolar or a psychotic symptom.

When you meditate, assuming you use deep, slow breathing your brain waves will slow to a frequency typically similar to stage one sleep (alpha waves). It is possible to slow them even more. And btw, while REM dreams do have particular characteristics, we dream in ALL stages of sleep. So a "vision/dream" is entirely plausible.

Meditating, your psyche is more open ... this is part of what meditation does for you. It can go places you don't know existed... and don't expect, just like in dreams.

Listen to your tdoc. others have told me the same thing about getting a guide, especially if we have difficult territory in our subconcious, or might not have the skills to cope with it on our own. a guide would keep you "safe."

I think perhaps the only "bipolar" thing about this event is the high intensity of fear you experienced from it. And even that may not be due to bipolar, if it is linked to an early trauma.

----------------

as for the actual vistion it could be symbolic. (eg: Jungian interpretation might be that your male persona was becoming too strong... threatening to overpower the "whole Mari.") If you are convinced it is real, it may be linked to early trauma. If so, it is probably in your best interest to work with someone to investigate that with caution - and yes it takes courage. But if you don't, it will keep festering and retain power over you. Only when you bring it into the light can you reclaim your own power over it.

I am so sorry about these frightening experiences. It is good you've pegged down the age range when it started to happen.

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~

ps. once i dreamed someone was at me with a knife. They had me by the sleeve already and... i was shaken awake... by an earthquake. i still dunno what mine meant - i think earthquake was coincidence, but was relieved to be awoken by any means and i am NOT curious how that dream would have ended!

I hope your upcoming days are peaceful. i send you white light to protect you... even from your visions.

Waves,

That is amazing/awesome -- being awakened from a violent dream by an earthquake.

Yeah, I hope to have quiet experiences. I usually request peace.

M

Waves,

What happened while I was meditating was similar to what you say here.

I was listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn do a guided meditation. I was sitting up right in my computer chair.

I am certain it is not due to early trauma. Trauma has already been explored by two long time therapists (1st one worked with me for 8 years, the current one has worked with me for 7 years.)

For now, I am going to convince myself that it was a dream.

Often I tell myself when I go to bed at night that I do not wish to remember the dreams in the morning. That works. I have no memory of most dreams. I know nothing of my dreams.


One of the points of meditation is to be open but not too open. That is what I thought. ?? ?
In a few days I will try to meditate again doing something different.

M