Hey Mari I am loaded with regret. There are things that I cannot change. I regret the past. I have regrets about relationships in the past that are lost due to my condition. I regret the way my life has come to a standstill because of trauma. I regret that I'm not doing what I love.((Working in science))

I never feel at ease,well most of the time. I'm not at peace around people. I regret this. I'd like to,but I was bullied when I was a kid,and at military school. I'm intimidated by people in general. I feel like I'm being watched,and judged. I just want to get away from people in general.

I've had panic before sleep,and while waking up at times. I'd panic on the phone,when a doorbell rings,when someone knocks on the door,while at the store,and etc.,etc.etc.. I feel confined when I'm in the shower,and have allergy attacks sometimes,and gag. My shower is clean though.

I'd probably have a wife,and kids. I would have wanted to finish college,and been a scientist. I'm fascinated with many sciences. I wanted to be an Astronomer when I was a kid.

With all of these things,and more,I'm loaded with regret. I hear people saying that they don't regret things in movies,and television,but that is not how it is with me. I dread the morning coming sometimes.

I can identify with what you say thoroughly. BF

It's like a concrete (fortified) imagination of something bad happening I think.
I think that it's phobia related with me. With me it's also obsession that I try to dismiss. Sometimes I can do something that I like in a hobbie,and get my mind off of it.

Sometimes I can't get my mind off of it,and I have to let it fade away,while getting clobbered with other thoughts that I have to let fade away also.
I sometimes write them down. Sometimes they are false guilt burdens(This is my own terminology),then I'll get another one.

These things are very complicated,and feel real. When it first begun,it was as if a black cloud was moving over me. Horrible. This is where emotionally normal people stop comprehending what I am saying. BF

Each of us has a personal emotional (finger print) that is going to be different then anyone else in the world,when it comes to mental health issues,though some of our problems will be similar.

We may understand bit's,and pieces of another persons mental health issues. One thing is for sure. All mental health issues suck,and we can help each other out as best as we can through these ruff times.

We all know that these mental health issues are very real,and are just as difficult as physical problems.

We can fight for the right to be equally treated as physically ill people. If the government cut's funding to the emotionally ill in clinics,and etc.,there's enough data for them to look at to not discriminate,and cut funding. There is still discrimination when it comes to mental health challenges. We have been called fruits,flakes,nuts,damaged goods,and etc.,etc.. Is there a attitude out there where they are saying who cares about them? I'm sure that there is.

Steve,


I notice that some of us have certain times of the day that are better or worse than others.
Let me say that you are doing a great job holding on and facing what you have. You are handling your day to day and finding ways to think through the past.


You describe what goes on very well. If the other folks cannot understand, they are missing out.


The government cares about us somewhat. It chooses not to spend money appropriately.

M

Mari Thank you very much for the complements,and thank you for the encouraging words. BF

It's true about the way health professionals treat the mentally ill. Some treat us as though we are interesting bugs they get to prod with a prescription stick. We have a state of the art psychiatric ward near where I live. Very friendly, welcoming etc. The nurses station is sound proof counter to ceiling plexiglass. When you need one of them you stand at the counter and wait patiently with the rest of the outsiders until the healthy ones finish up their conversation and open the window. Seriously? Who dreamed that one up?

Yeah, I would like to know what that is about.
My pdoc's office is set up such that when I enter, I see the office person at her desk behind the partition, but one is not supposed to tap on her window and there is no bell. We gave to stand until she gets around to opening the plexiglass.
It is so weird but since I have been going there for so many years, I forget how weird it is.

M

I can't tap on the glass either but we do have a bell!they are good at opening up the window.
bizi