NeuroTalk Support Groups - Doing life at least for a spell... maybe under a spell

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- - Doing life at least for a spell... maybe under a spell (https://www.neurotalk.org/bipolar-disorder/206726-doing-life-spell-maybe-spell.html)

Quote:

Originally Posted by waves (Post 1092246)

Yes, yes, yes!!!!

That's ITTT!!!! Stuckness, and internal restlessness, and can't move, and outside influences. Bing, bing, bing, bing,bing!

I can't tell you how ROTTEN I feel not having my own room. I've always put things off in my life, but not like this. I do have a "thing" (and I can't get rid of it or ignore it) about doing things in my own space.... which I don't have. I think of gone completely lulu on lack of privacy.

Some part of me has rebelled, and I have claimed the bed as my space, and I stay planted on it... as opposed to folding it up into a couch (which I find uncomfortable to sit on, to boot). Sitting here typing at the computer, I feel relatively private in that one cannot tell what I am typing or clicking. I am very guarded about my screen. It's not that it would matter if it were seen, but I am terribly bothered by the idea. It is the tiny niche of privacy I've carved out. Doing anything outside of that niche means I'm observed, or have the potential of beiing observed, by passing parents.

And I know this probably sounds stupid and illogical... what does it matter if they see me eat, or go into the bathroom. It oughtn't. But at some level, it does.

I can't even throw something in the garbage without it undergoing scrutiny, and I'm not imagining that. If my mother can't identify something in the trash, she will ask about it -- she has.

waves

Waves I feel some of that. I live way out in the country(Rural Area). I feel stuck,and it cost money to leave the area. Stuck(SSSttttuuuccckkk)!!!!!

When I'm outside,I'm aware of being observed. I always feel observed in my car,or when I'm in the public,or store. It ruins the feeling of getting outside. I've even installed a dash cam on the front windshield,and back windshield. I may go as far as to say I'm sort of paranoid about the outside. I cannot seem to shake this feeling. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thanks, Steve.

I actually feel more private outside than at home. Or a different kind of privacy anyway. Anonymity affords a kind of privacy.

I don't have my own room, you see. I feel the lack of a space to call my own, and to which I can restrict access.

I used to go to the bar, and write letters there... over a beer or two. The beer was mostly something that would take time to consume... to earn me "squatting rights" to a table. It was ok when I was working, but I really can't do that on a regular basis. And it's only helpful for very limited activities anyway.

Waves,

Is this right that you have wrapped it up, put it away, and decided it is done for now!!??
You have done well.

By my count (yours will be different) you started this July 18 washing walls and configuring and otherwise working with your computers.

On Aug 14 you gave us your first "cleaning" post."

Quote:

Originally Posted by waves (Post 1089214)

I have been cleaning........ and clearing, and sorting, and (only a little) discarding things. So far, I have

-- Cleaned, sorted out, tested lots of stray hardware

-- Cleared and cleaned surfaces

-- Moved furniture and boxes to wash hard-to-access parts of floor

-- Freed a cabinet and put my stray shoes in it, for easy access

========================

Last night, I finally got to my nightmarish biggie:
I attacked the huge big pile of papers and stuff under the desk.

I've made a first pass sort into general categories. This enables me to get to more important things more quickly. My sifted piles are:

1. Financial
2. Medical
3. Leisure(ish)
4. Manuals for recent purchases
5. Computer mags & CDs

I also threw out a pile about as big as my medical. Whew. :)

======================

Next, I need to:

1. Pull out a large cabinet's worth of more junk/papers to add to these.

2. Figure out a place to file things because the filing boxes are full.

3. File things.

Hoping to find lots of old papers I can toss. Also hoping people (read: dad) don't give me a hard time about my category piles left and right, because it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Also hoping I can keep the momentum needed to finish.

This is long overdue, and it has been taxing my mind.

waves

These are little and big achievements. :yahoo:

Mari

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mari (Post 1092542)

Waves,

Is this right that you have wrapped it up, put it away, and decided it is done for now!!??

No, I had to hide things from sight.

I have to continue, somehow, working out of cabinets. Then, I have other, diverse areas to do.

Basically, lots of fiddly stuff (harddd!!!) and clothes. I haven't detailed all I've done or need to do, only parts, by way of illustration.

I desperately need to deplete and organize because I currently lack space to keep things in, let alone make them accessible.

You have done well.

Quote:

By my count (yours will be different) you started this July 18 washing walls and configuring and otherwise working with your computers.

On Aug 14 you gave us your first "cleaning" post."

I started reorganizing towards the beginning of this month, I think. Started doing a drawer here and ther around when you did your room... you inspired me. :)

Walls and computer are unrelated. I do still have to get this machine into the shop.... that's kind of on hold, maybe even past September. It almost seems to be behaving better. Tempted not to do anything about it.

Quote:

These are little and big achievements. :yahoo:

Yes, that they are. :)

I am not in a good place with the stuff-processing. I was already having a hard time. I was managing to fight it when I got stopped that one night. That really put me under.

I feel crappy.

I'm not in a good place with anything. It's almost September and I have to resume the job search. I wish I could work in the library or something. And no, it's not an option.

I might be getting depressed... I feel that bad.

waves

I am sorry that you feel that bad waves.
((((HUGS))))
You are a good woman, remember that.
love bizi

Thanks, Bizi.

Small consolation, though. Many a good woman don't have a roof over her head. Which, at the rate I'm going, I might not in my old age.

Sorry, but I am feeling really bad, and also very anxious today, and just upset, and scared, and all kinds of not nice things.

I am going to have a beer I think.

And definitely will take some lorazepam tonight. Well, definitely-- if I remember.

maybe you can go to that bar and do some journalling? have a beer, cheaper than a therapist.

I love it! :Thats-Funneh:

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi (Post 1092607)

have a beer, cheaper than a therapist.

You know, I thought of it. I don't journal, but I could write other stuff. The thing is, I had two beers out the other day which is about quota for a while. Plus I am seeing friends next week... and they bought last couple times so this time I should.

So it will be at home.... if at all. I'm not really in the mood for beer. I'd have it as a sort of nervous anesthetic. :o

But I could work up a mood, for the anesthesia.

I really feel miserable.

waves