Mari,

We did our grocery shopping yesterday. My husband wasn't happy, but he understands that we need to do these things early to avoid the crowds... he's not a patient man. We did the same thing before Thanksgiving. Our fridge and cabinets are packed.

That Target is always a nightmare. It's just going to be much worse because it's so close to Christmas. All the toys, those big TV's, etc are on sale. I'm going to have the cab wait for me while I run in, and I'm heading straight for the pharmacy counter. I don't think there will be an increase in pharmacy traffic.

I suffer from social anxiety, so it's not easy for me to be in big crowds. I do pretty well with my cane, but people walk right into me. It makes my anxiety much, much worse. I am deathly afraid of falling- especially in public.
I haven't been anywhere near the mall close to Christmas in years.

I don't have an appointment scheduled with tdoc after this one. I should make one today, but money is on my mind. Every time I visit pdoc or tdoc it costs me $70 between the cab fare and copay...

I'm already worried about the costs associated with the substance abuse evaluation and counseling. It's going to be very expensive.

I'm going to reschedule the eval appointment. It's too close to the holidays so my husband probably can't get it off, and he doesn't even want to ask. Because drunk.org seems to have a habit of rescheduling appointments, my husband will wait for the week before the new appointment date to ask for the day off.

I'm really happy that the extra 50mg of seroquel is keeping me stable right now. It's very encouraging

I was surprised at what came out at my therapy appointment...

I reflected on how long I was misdiagnosed as BPII. For almost 8yrs when I wasn't hypomanic, I was living like a zombie, snowed on a ton of meds. My hypomanic episodes far outnumbered my periods of depression- I can only remember needing an antidepressant a handful of times. Despite an uptick in hypomanic episodes over a period of two years (while still on those heavy meds), the meds were rarely, if ever, adjusted and the BPII diagnosis was never re-evaluated. I went over all the warning signs that were missed, among them several self-reported periods of paranoia that were dismissed. I want those years back.

I can't help but wonder what those years would have been like if I was diagnosed correctly earlier and was put on the right meds... And the big unanswerable question is: Would I have ended up trying to take my own life if I was?

I talked about having a split personality in regards to my drinking. Moderate drinker when stable vs. alcoholic in the presence of hypo/mania (I know I'm an alcoholic, there is no split diagnosis). My drinking problem grew worse as my bipolar disorder became more unstable. I told tdoc about the substance abuse evaluation and counseling, talked about the importance of abstaining from alcohol, and reaffirmed my determination to remain sober. She does not think I need substance abuse counseling, but unfortunately, it's not up to her.

I expressed my frustration about another split... When I'm hypo/manic I don't have to deal with the fatigue and cognitive issues of MS. I've enjoyed a lot of things about being hypo over the years, but above all, I like feeling and being more functional. I sorely miss that when I return to baseline.

There's a split with OCD, too. I don't have time for it when I'm hypo. I have to pay more attention to this point because when those symptoms start to diminish, it's probably a good indication that an episode is around the corner.

I didn't directly address my s/s attempt except to talk about the effects it must have had on my husband and sister. I know this must be a particularly difficult time for my husband after everything I put him through. Not just after my s/s attempt- This has been a very hard year in general. He spent Christmas and Christmas Eve with me in the hospital, even though we were separated at the time. I want him to know that I realize how much pain I must have inflicted upon him, but it's a subject he simply doesn't want to talk about. I respect that. The anniversary is tomorrow.

After putting some things into perspective, all I had to offer was anger. I'm angry that I'm bipolar, I'm angry about all those missed opportunities, and I'm still very angry at myself.

I guess it was a productive visit. I don't feel any worse for wear.

i am so sorry you are angry at yourself. it was beyond your control. you are doing so well now and are so vigilant. please stop being angry
fondly
bobby

Hi, Kay,

Anger can be productive in that it helps with clarity/ insight and in getting us to the next place.

A lot of us were mis-dx'ed and/or medicated improperly. I think that lost years due to sloppy doctoring are more present than not for people with bipolar. (Essentially all of us dx'd bipolar belong in one huge support group for lost years/lost jobs/lost friendships/lost money/lost family members.)
Be angry. Embrace your own good strengths.

Then forgive yourself. A person with properly treated bipolar drinks differently than someone who is inadequately treated.

Re your abstaining from alcohol: you are doing very well.

I can see how the awareness of how the OCD plays into things requires that attention be paid to it.

I am really happy to hear that it was a productive visit. You are doing very well.


Do you and your husband have happy Christmas traditions? New Years?

M

Thank you Bobby and Mari

Today is the 1yr anniversary of my s/s attempt.

I do think that the anger I was experiencing yesterday was productive, and it did help to put things into perspective. Prior to yesterday, I wasn't delving that far into the past.

Dealing with all the issues associated with my s/s attempt will be a long ongoing process. It is easy to say "Forgive yourself," but this is not something that is easily accomplished after you have traumatized your family and yourself in the way, and to the degree, that I did. It's tough to try to fight back from insanity, and try to learn how to live with what you've done. It's been a very difficult year.

The hardest things to for me to understand about my s/s attempt is that I was manic, not depressed. And even though I was psychotic, I planned, was methodical, and what I did seemed logical to me at the time. I can't explain the disconnect.
I know how important early intervention is. That's why I've fought as hard as I have to stay proactive in my care and remain vigilant, and it's why I'm still here.

I do view my s/s attempt as a second chance at life. I'd do anything to take it back, but I'm better and worse for it. The last year has been absolute hell, but there have been victories, too. I've reconciled with my husband, learned how to better manage my MH care, have taken more control over my life, and I've quit drinking.

I value my life, and will continue to do everything I need to in order to safeguard it. I'm happy to be here.

-----

My husband and I used to visit his parents on Christmas Eve, and go to my aunt's on Christmas Day. I'm staying at home this year and making dinner on Christmas Eve, but my husband will visit with his side of the family on Christmas Day. I just can't handle the stress this year.

-----

I was up 2hrs early this morning. I'm not sure yet if I'm experiencing extra anxiety or low-grade symptoms of hypomania. I took an extra 1/2mg of klonopin this morning, but it hasn't helped much. All I can do is jack up the klonopin, wait for a response, and pay close attention to my behavior today. In the past I've had the habit of escalating every week or so. I saw pdoc and my seroquel was adjusted Friday. If I need to, I'll just add in that extra 200mg of gabapentin tonight.

Kay,

Do you keep a written record or keep track somehow of the meds you increase or decrease? 'Just wandering. I would not be able to remember.

Things like that are wounds that take a lot of time to heal although we can
probably notice some bits of relief from them along the way.

That one makes sense to me.

---
I do not know at all if this applies in your case but I remember a pnurse I knew as a friend explaining to me (in a very general way) that people who are depressed do not often have the energy. Also, that movement of one to the other (depression to mania OR mania to depression) is the most dangerous time. That fits into my own understanding of mixed states -- sorry if I got off topic.
I am being a little vague on purpose.

You are beautiful and safe.

===
'Stinks about family and the Christmas gathering/s.
It is good that you are staying home.
I kind of remember that you like to cook. Is that right?

Keep taking care of yourself. You are strong and good.

M