May i start this thread by saying sorry.

I know i shouldn't drink whilst on medication, but i do. Why? i haven't a clue
I used to do this to self medicate. I drank to let all this feeling of frustration
and complete madness i have,..have an escape route. I'm an extremely happily married man who eight months ago would beat my self up because i wanted to be with my wife at every extremel. Since being on medication i sadly dont feel the same way. I love her and we talk more than ever [ and we talked a lot before] i've just have lost that connection . I know that OLANZIPINE can have this effect [ decrease in sexual stimulation] but i'm really Pxxxxx off with this feeling.

Its not hat i dont want to be with my wife i just feel my mind is so interactive with external thoughts i cant switch off and give her the attention she deserves.

Since medication i have not cried for 9 months, prior to medication i cried every day for 16 months. i feel lost without this mechanism to extract my true feelings.
I know some may think, i should be happy i'm not crying all the time, but when you have been a certain way for ever its really hard not to have that out-let any more.

When my wife and i got married, i used to go to FOOTBALL[ Soccer in your country/US friends][ as a male dominaed pastime in the Uk,... i could scream curse, shout, etc,,,, it helped me let off steam. Then the children arrived. and money for them came first, so i did no go to watch matches again. [ And my way to vent steam stopped]

Going back to my children [2 boys] when my wife gave birth to our first son, she had PND. And i am convinced i did to. Honestly what man in his right mind thinks watching your wife, the one you love go through all that pain is a wonderful experience. It is scarry and sad to watch the one you love suffer, yes the end result is wonderful, but sadly this was not my priority.[ As is now i hasten to say before you all think i'm a terrible father]

I Love my wife beyond words, she really is my soul mate, though at times like today i feel i dont know her. I love my kids, 15[ going on thirty] 13 [going on nutty professor] but we have no ADULT time in this house anymore,[ I should be greatful my boys want to spend time with us/ All the time] ....am i wrong evil, and monstrous to say that.
I work as a Housing Support worker [ social services] with Homeless males, predominately young men [16-25] homeless through, substance misuse, , criminality, behavior problems, etc.,,,i.m a bloody fool i'm meant to be reducing stress but i'm inundated with the stuff.

Sadly i come home -via the pub or drink when my wife goes to bed[ she gets up for work at 5am so has to go to bed early] just to eliminate the awful things i see hear, an witness daily.
Some may say change your job, I did i;ve done this for 5 years before i Supported people with learning difficulties[ Down Syndrome, Celerabal palsy, ,Dual personality conditions, Autism, etc,,, for twelve years and changed jobs because it was killing me.

I witnessed so many deaths of relatively young people, carried their coffins, read their ullages...EXPERIENCED GRIEF . whilst my employers insisted i did not.[ British thing stiff upper lip- and move on ... rubbish]


So this is where i am now, drunk fed-up and un-hapoy , but tomorrow is another daY- AT LEAST TONIGHT was just missery anmd not Suicidal missery which is normaly the way.

once agaiin i'm sorry [ and God bless the spell check]