i walked better this morning with my cane and no pain. I am going to try to save money by asking my caseworker to resume the free meals. I am also going to take money out of my brokerage to make me feel weirdly more secure about my checking account.
I feel warm but I don't have a fever.
I will wait til Marcia comes and then take a bath. I am finally able to read a a book.

I accomplished a lot this morning.. I went downstairs easily to get the mail.
I called Vanguard to find out their safest treasury and federal bond fund It only pays .57 %. except for 10 dollars a year there are no other expenses. I wrote to the Prudential guy and told the information. He just called me back and said to go with Vanguard. I explained I had two bad falls and I can only take the minimum risk. Maybe the few stocks I have will work out besides providing me with some fun. and stimulation. I will call my brokerage tomorrow to take out some money to put in the checking account. i spoke with my caseworker about the food. except for anxiety and a little depression I don't feel bipolar.

just called my brokerage to take some money out of the account.

hi bobby, I read what you wrote and will come back tonight and write a response to you.
much love today and it sounds like you are feeling better!
thank goodness.
bizi

i started catasthophizing (sp) about a couple of big issues and then I started to force myself to think of God.
that helped big time. I still have a stomach ache.
love
bobby
one was about a friend
i washed my hair in the sink and i used a towel to clean myself. right now i am terrified of falling in the bathtub again. i also don't know when the meals will start again but it is a great way to save money. i am very shakey.

i wrote my friend asking her if she were angry at me. I still haven't gotten a response.

still no response. i decided i am sure she is okay. she is a friend for over 50 years.

she answered me.

I am so glad that she answered you.

50 years is a long time for friendship!
love bizi

there was a misunderstanding. I wrote her about all my bruises but left out the back but then didn't mail it aand forgot. this morning i apologized and wrote a lot down.
love
bobby
i am still ambivalent

every friday morning i speak with a pastoral intern for half an hour.. she is graduating this spring. i just realized it is sort of like a miracle because in a way it is like talking Suri.

I am glad that you feel good about suri. nice to have her to talk to.




BOO! :D
we are going to watch the symphony perform live streaming.
they always do a concert for halloween. the kids in the audience love to dress up, the orchestra dresses up too.
bizi

suri is dead=she died last december.
love
bobby

I knew she died bobby.
my communication gets misinterpreted.
sorry this was one of them.
love

bizi

not to worry. could emily be a gift from suri? I wonder if I should mention it to Emily.
Yesterday I hardly sleep and it is happening again. Even my neck hurts. I wonder if that is from when I hit my head on the bathtub, My ankle is acting up. rats.
love
bobby

just donated a little to a georgia candidate running against that awful perdue=yuck

didn't sleep last night. just sent an email off to msnbc and told them to repeatedly mention the low percentage of virus in south east asia and new zealand because they are doing all the right things. This is making me so sad and angry.
i also just wrote joe biden.

I was so obsessed and scared over money tonight. I couldn't escape it. I was so tormented and tried to read something inspirational but I was locked in. I used to be a whiz in math but since my stroke I have trouble with it, I couldn't figure out how much money I had to survive. My best friend pays my rent, I got paranoid because this month she hadn't paid my rent, At night I wrote her and asked about it. I was scared sh@tless and thought I had f@#ked up. She answered me and said she deposited the check today. I don't think she knows how bad my math skills are now. She went to a surgeon with me after
the operation and he demonstrated how I now was unable to do things in math. I am leaving her everything I have. It could be a lot if I die soon.
I guess we just gained an hour.
Love
bobby

i just replied to one of my nephews who Kay called the little sh%ts.
He knew about my accidents and he didn't ask how I was doing but just sent me happy pictures of his family. I told him he had no compassion. and some other things.

he wrote me and said stay positive

Does Bipolar worsen with age?
Conclusions. Regardless of age at onset, the passage of decades in bipolar illness appears to bring an increase in the predominance of depressive symptoms in individuals in their third, fourth and fifth decades and an earlier age of onset portends a persistently greater depressive symptom burden.

My now deceased Aunt had bipolar1 and was on meds her whole life, she mellowed with time. Every body loved barb. She was so layed back she was easy to talk to.
love bizi

i can't find my clonazapam. it might rolled the table but I can;t move the bed
which have might have gone under. just wrote my doctor. i feel okay but scared of going cold turkey. actually i probably want to get off of it because i don't think it is working anymore

I'd tell the doctor that you want to taper down on it. So he knows
that. And can tell you how to go down also.

Donna:hug::grouphug:

he still hasn't called or written and i don't feel any different.
fondly
bobby

Explain what happened and that you want to slowly taper off of it.
the key word being slowly!!!
love bizi

i explained BUT HE STILL HASN't contacted me.
love
bobby

I spent over an hour last night moving the bed and the organizers searching for the f*(king pills. I can't believe it I can't find them. I don't feel well. I will call donna this morning and ask her to ask the doctor for a smaller dosage. I am also in trouble about getting them fast.
I don't know if Cecilia will get them for me. The pharmacy is two blocks away. I am terrified of going by myself. I don't know if all the gas is from not taking the pills or the election or some dumb thing I did.
whatever God wants.

i think most americans are selfish, lacking in empathy and SO STUPIDSO STUPID

i wrote my doctor again this morning and he is going to caall in a lower prescription. Hopefully they will deliver by 1:30.
i bought a stool for the bathtub. I just don't feel clean enough.
Pudge and abby are really keeping me company.

rats-called the pharmacy about the prescription aand they said insurance won't pay for it. i will pay 44 dollars plus 50 for the doctor writing the prescription. what can i do? Usually it is 3 dollars plus 50.
i fell on my face but no harm. it was a soft organizer with tops in it.

That is still cheaper that ordering on line from some other countries website. I have mine saved in case I ever need it. That is very expensive!!!!! hundreds of dollars!!!!!
good luck bobby.
love you
bizi

i found them unless it was another bottle. i am going to start taking 1 mg twice a day and then 1/2 milligram twice a day and then none. relief

stay at the lowered dose for a couple of weeks, please don't try to rush this you could really come down with anxiety and set your self up for failure.
love you
bizi

i think this is torture.
had 2 1/2 mg of clonazepam yesterday ..the times are too stressful.
love you
bobby

Yes there is a lot of stress right now....wonder when we will know of the results of the election. still could be awhile.
sorry this is so stressful, you are not alone!
(((((HUGS)))))
love bizi

had the greatest day. I still might need clonazepam unless the election is destroying my concentration. I am tapering down.
At 9 this morning I talked with
emily, the pastoral intern, I told her it was a miracle that she came into my life and she might have been a gift from Suri. I told her I had a hard time reading the torah so she said we could start doing that.
Then she gave a class at 11-it was so incredible. It was welcoming the Sabbath.
Her voice is like an angel and she sang a great deal I could have listened to her for hours. She said prayers and we talked about a passage in the Torah which I happened to know. Later
aaron called. he was wearing his mask so it was a bit difficult. I was also exhausted. I will definitely miss him when it stops...maybe in two weeks when he visits his family for the holidays/ He comes from Wisconsin and has been living in Virginia.
I left the door open and was half asleep. Robert came and put together the bathtub stool. Danny was sooo friendly. He was kissing me and likcing my face and arms and no nipping. I gave Robert 3 pounds of hamburd and cat wipes for his kitties. He thinks he can fix the fan but didn't have a phillips screwdriver. He showed me how I can just use the fan on the ac and he directed to the right place. It is wonderful.
The day before my stocks did really well.
I have been thanking God so much and don't think I am doing it enough.
If only Biden would win.
Love
bobby

I am definitely going back to 4 mg of clonazepam. It is still working and I need it. I thought I would calm down after the election but I haven't and my appetite is huge. i just saw i fell on sept 2. i just bought a bathtub rail or grabber besides the stool.
Love
bobby

just wrote my nephew and told him never to mention my sister again to me, I told him what I thought of the selfish b@#tch and that she was not at all supportive of my mental illness. if anything she made it worse. i feel relieved. i also told him she was a lousy Jew.

he answered me back and said okay and signed it love. i wrote and said i spent 6 years under the covers in pain.( i hadn't been diagnosed yet.)

i just started crying.

really you were able to cry.
wow that is a big deal.
love you bizi