I have been eating like crazy lately. my weight is 190.....
sigh
bizi

do i know the feeling. I am going to eat more zucchini. I have no idea where Mari's numbers are. rats
love
bobby
you have been under so much pressure. don't be hard on yourself.

i have a p.t. session on wednesday. Now I am really worried about catching the virus.
I kept my word so far about not buying any more stocks. Boy I could have made money. I have been watching electrical vehicles since the start and have two. I scared myself out of two that are really doing well because they have lawsuits which only seemed to bother me.
switching the bed around seems to helping.

I'm glad switching the bed has helped.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I am glad the bed has helped.
sorry the stock market seems so vol ital .....
I guess you are smart and can work your way thru the markets.
love,
bizi

i am so depressed. i feel so ungrateful and I don't know what to do. i just bought a lot of homeopathic remedies.

I am sorry that you struggle so much bobby.
I think part of this behavior is that you are looking for a quick fix.
Alot of your health issues seem out of control and you are trying to rein it all in so you can have some control of your life. I think that spending is one simple way that you can feel like you are doing something to engage.

May I ask did you ever see a nutritionist? I think that would be a good place to start. Alcohol is my demon. We all have demons lurking in the back ground.
I say this out of love.
bizi

I have talked to two nutritionists. I think the depression from the bipolar makes everything really hard.
love
bobby not aa happy camper

I am sorry that you are suffering.....
love bizi

i don't know what to do-i am worrying so much
love
bobby
took another bath

i have been catastrophizing, rats

I am sorry about this.
worry equals wasted precious time.
bizi

I have had too many traumatic things happen to me over my life. talk about a waste of precious moments. it is so difficult living all by yourself and having nobody to lean on. it sucks. having no family. you must feel so awful about your drinking and all that wasted time.
I just sold two stocks and made some money and bought one who has a new technique for colonosopies. that I have to wait.

yes bobby,
I do feel awful about wasted time about drinking and blacking out and getting sick, I hurt my ribs this past time last weekend.sigh
when am I ever going to give it up?
hope your stocks do well.
love to you bobby.
bizi

how did you hurt your ribs? do you think you could go to a detox place? you have so many things going for you! I know you don't pray for help. How close were you to your brother.
love
bobby

I hurt my ribs getting so violently ill throwing up. sigh
wonder if my meds are not right. Maybe I need to take the NAC again for controlling the urge to self pick maybe that was helping controlling my drinking as well.
The habit of going to fat pats is too easy to go and have a few beers. They are cheap 2 for 1.I can have 2 small beers for 6$, $7.50 including tip. That is about what they cost in the grocery store.
This last time at pats, I drank a lot of water and that slowed down my drinking. and I kept it to 2 beers and felt so full from the water. The next night I had the water again but this time put my beer into the water, and still stuck to just 2 beers. The manager said I could have a pitcher of water so I did not have to wait on the staff to get me more water. that worked out well for 2 days monday and tuesday this week. But I came home and drank more.
love,
bizi

Think of all your blessings! Think Hard. I feel so badly that you are hurting yourself so badly. I think I remember that the step program won't help. Jeff doesn't seem to help you. I can be a compulsive eater and right now I did it again. I was a compuslvie smoker but it was only tell I couldn't afford it did I stop. Once I gave it up for 18 years. you can afford to drink. Poor Bizi. Maybe if I start praying hard for you.
love you and very worried!
bobby

Thank you bobby, It is going to be alright.
I will be ok. thank you for your prayers.
love you
bizi

I wish this sadness and anxiety would go away. Last night Pudge slept with me. She has been throwing up the past few days.

Do you think she is trying to throw up a hair ball?
poor kitty
bizi

i don't know. she didn't throw up today.
love
bobby

still no throwing up! Didn't see a fur ball.
noticed that my balance and walking are a bit better. I forgot if I mentioned I cancelled the p.t. I thought he had no empathy and his "dreams" weree to high.I was shocked when he said I would work up to an an hour a day on the bike. I couldn't do that before the stroke or when I was younger. The f@#f also warned me that I woould have another stroke if I didn't do the exercises.
I had surgery to clean out the clogged artery and I am on the injection Praulent to get rid of bad cholesterol. I have just been so angry and miserable after that bas@#ard came.It is hard enough being alone at thanksgiving. It is hard enough being old and alone.
worse of all it is hard enough beung bipolar 2 with all the depression and anxiety and irritabilty.
love
bobby
but haven't forgotten my daily prayers for you Bizi. I am so worried about you

Bipolar disorder is included in the Social Security Listings of Impairments, which means that if your illness has been diagnosed by a qualified medical practitioner and is severe enough to keep you from working, you are eligible to receive disability benefits.

bobby thank you for the prayers. I am really going to be ok.The wine is gone so that is good.

I worry about you too my friend.
love bizi

i got so upset when you said how you hurt your ribs.
you are loved big time.
bobby

My ribs don't hurt any more.
thank you for your love.
Love you back.
bizi

with love please take care of yourself and thank you for telling me.
Bobby with prayers

I am glad that you said your balance was better! have a good dy bobby!
love,
bizi

first saying my prayers for you bizi!
I have been a little bit dizzy, a p.t. from the same agency called me yesterday and I am seeing him today. That made me so paranoid over the top. I finally took a vraylar and after a while felt better,I don't know if I should have agreed to see him. i really need physical therapy but my body is healing from the brutal almost 4 months ago.
love
bobby

i like the new p.y. i'll see him twice a week

Good Bobby

I'm glad they sent out a good one. You just need to start making sure
they realize why you cancel when its the reason you did.

I'm proud of you for being accertive.

i did tell the guy. i forgot if i wrote he was about 60. i hurt after the exercises but i am determined.
fondly
bobby

That is great bobby, glad that you are determined!
love

bizi

I'm glad you found your determination again. That is great.

I wish I had a idea to help with you loneliness. If I could set
up zoom we could chat together.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

that would be fantastic. do you have a webcam? I have used it but I haven't set it up. Dorot offers free courses. do you have free long distance calling? You and I could call Dorot and get instructions if so.
fondly
bobby

I had a great session with my therapist yesterday. I was almost crying because I have been having such a hard time. In a way my brutal fall still even makes me think a few times before I get out of bed. My balance is so awful. I hardly leave my apartment and usually somebody brings up my packages. I have little exposure to the virus.
He got me talking about my job as a former psychologist and brought up al sorts of great memories. Most were crystal clear. I loved so many of the kids and a couple of mothers.

just had a video confidence with my doctor and his doggie He doesn't want to add to the medicine. he have me the name of 4 netflixes comedies.

I am glad that you had great sessions with your health care team. glad that you like your therapist, when do you speak with her again. I presume it was on face time? on your phone? or was it a zoom call on a lap top?
love you bizi

sending prayers! my therapist is a man and we talk once a week over the phone. He knows so much about Judaism. My psychiatrist is also a man and we use some program, not zoom to see each other on the computer.
Thist morning I talked at length with a rabbi intern. We have been doing this every friday morning. she is great. We talk mainly about spiritual things. I just got off the phone, She gave a course at Dorot on welcoming the Sabbath. She sings a great deal and I love her voice. I have a pc desktop.
I hope you feel my prayers for you!
Love
bobby

thank you for your prayers.
glad that you are having some spiritual support as well.
That is so important for your well being.
love bizi