yesterday was so incredible. It felt like the old times in a way. I did so much thinking and talking and listening and bipolar didn't get in the way. I tried to talk Emily, the intern, into putting out some youtubes because her voice is so lovely and spiritual.

during her class, she spent so much time singing. I didn't know I would get into her class so when I spoke with her before I asked her to sing for me.
she said something I never heard before which was very comforting. She said some people believe that God can interfere with free will when the person is really trying and going off track but for pure
reasons while he won't interfere with people who are going off track for not pure reasons.
At five aaron called and the conversation was utterly fantastic and a lot of times over my head. I used to be very bright but I have lost so much of it. I wonder if partially it was due to the drugs I take and old age. we talked about everything , even old Russian stories. He didn't know that Tolstoy was a good friend to Gandhi. I didn't know that Grant was a great with military tactics. and that he uffered from depression.
I really want to learn more about Churchill. I wish my concentration were better.
Saying prayers to you Bizi. You haven't written much.
Love
bobby

just took a bath that helped my depression. Had some trouble getting out of the bathtub.One of these days I have to experiment and try taking a cab. Last time the porters had to get a wheelchair to get me home. my legs wouldn't support me.
I am trying hard now with physical therapy/
Love
bobby

I wonder why your legs would not support you? had you been doing a lot of walking?
sorry it is so hard for you and that you suffer in silence a lot of the time.
love you bizi

not at all. all i did was change the sheets and that was exerting. I have no stamina aand my legs are tired and I am very heavy

i think the p.t. is working I just had no trouble walking. I am so excited, now I probably won't be able to sleep. .

well that is great news!!!!!!!!! maybe you will sleep!
bizi

I over did it and went back wards.. Yesterday I had trouble walking as usual. I wasn't supposed to exercise that much. I even had cramps. I also had sweets including tiramisu so gained two pounds. My stocks did awful yesterday and Aaron didn't call last night. I got into a disagreement with my therapist. He thinks Churchill was a great man because he helped get rid of Hitler. I think he was a terrible man because research says he has the blood of three million Indians on his hands. Um I was already depressed and am very depressed. I wonder how many kind people there are in the world.
My sleeping as usual is awful.
Today I hope to finish the hobbit.
love
bobby miserable

Age-Related Sleep Problems


More than half of men and women over the age of 65 have problems with sleep. Many things can affect the quality of your rest, and there may be more than one at play.

I am sorry you got into an argument over churchhill.
how was that even part of your therapy?Did he bring it up or did you?
love bizi

i brought it up. It upset me.
love
bobby

happy Hanuka bobby.
love your way.
bizi

thanks so very much. I ate too much lol. I forgot if I wrote that I had tiramisu!
love
bobby

Happy Hanuku Bobby !

I think you did. I hope it was good.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

chantunika ( i know that I have spelled it wrong)
and hanuka. what do they mean,I know they are holy days but what exactly do they mean.
bizi

it is the miracle of lights. The temple was destroyed and there was only oil for one night but instead it lasted for eight days. you have a Memorah with room for eight candles and one to light the candles.You start with one until you use eight. Is that close?

The centerpiece of the Hanukkah celebration is the hanukkiah or menorah, a candelabra that holds nine candles. Eight candles symbolize the number of days that the Temple lantern blazed; the ninth, the shamash, is a helper candle used to light the others.

Hanukkah like you’ve never heard before! - YouTube

My depression is so bad. the new medicine is making me overeat so much.
I didn't hear from Aaron again. for over six months he has been calling me twice a week. Initially he was only supposed to call me for a month. He is back home with his family for the holidays so many he was lonely before. I miss him. I wanted to tell him I finally finished the hobbit-exceptional book.
I had a wonderful time with my new friend who will be a rabbi at the end of the spring. Our conversations are fantastic. I also ask her to sing for me. She has such a beautiful voice. I am trying to convince her to sing on youtube and then you can hear it and I can play it a lot. I had P.T.this morning. It is going to be so slow.
Love
bobby

i had so much trouble going downstairs. I am stilll shaking. I used a walker and went barefoot because it is easier to walk barefoot. I have made no progress and I think I have gotten worse. I am so scared.

bobby I am so sorry that your bipolar is out of whack. afraid, scared and depressed all at once.
I hope you might find some peace as the week enfolds.
much love to you today.
bizi

it is mostly that I have such a hard time walking-ugh
love
bobby

That was quite a you tube video.
I am so sorry that your depression is crushing your spirit.
Have you ever considered ECT or vegal nerve stimulators?
how is your mood tonight?
love you bizi

I heard from Aaron and that cheered me up. My friend Alice said when you get old you have to have courage. I don't think those will help. The major things these days is my limited walking ability and it hurts most of the time I walk. My back hurts too. I am always tired. My sleeping is atrocious. so much of it is physical which leads to depression. i am always hungry. that might be from my new drug. like many single homebound people that makes me feel so isolated.
love
bobby praying for you.

I am glad that Arron cheered you up, it is nice that you have people in your life to help you feel less isolated.
sorry your back hurts and that you are in pain when you walk.
I wish for you peace.
love bizi

Sending some hugs.

I'm also glad Aaron called you.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I was up during the night and now am tired. I did have energy at night.I trying a homeopathic remedy for grief. I don't know if it will work. Robert commented how I need new glasses. I know. I will wait to see if the p,t. will help because I am in a dilemma because of my walking.Last time I tried to get into a cab I couldn't and then my legs totally collapsed. Alice said I had to have courage. I am so depressed.
love
bobby

I am so sorry that you are dealing with grief still. I hope the new homeopathic medicine helps relieve your symptoms.
love bizi

I think you should ask your PT if he can help you make sure you can
safely get into the cab and things like that also.

:hug::grouphug:

That is a good suggestion donna!
Wonder why your legs collapsed on you?
I am sorry life is so hard for you right now.
I think it is best to sleep at night.

You could get your nights and days messed up, which would make interacting with your calls and other people in your life difficult.
Was this a one time occurrence? Or have you done this in the past or this has been going on for a while now? Were you reading a good book or watching a good movie?

sorry if this sounds judgemental, I say this because I care about you.
love bizi

I did ask him. I also told him how fearful I was after the last time. He said it might be better to wait a few months because the virus is so prevalent now aand if it isn't an emergency he thought it best to stay indoors. He is adding to the exercises.
Then Robert wrote me and said he would take me. I wrote back and he can't fathom how much I appreciate him and I didn't know.. I am going to call the office and see if they allow dogs. I also would hate to separate Danny from Robert.
fondly
bobby

for years I have had sleeping problems and nothing works. at this point I have almost reversed the days and nights. last night I got 5 hours.
I have no idea why my legs collapsed. It has happened a couple of other times, I think it could be related to the stroke.If it happened frequently I would go back to my neurologist.
love you
bobby

robert is going to take me to the eye doctor. I have so much trouble walking. what a friend!
love
bobby

What are you going to get him for the holidays?
love bizi

i don't. i do give him things. last week i gave him a big and little flashlight. then I gave him reading glasses.I give to Danny Usually every other week I give himm chewies and two pounds of hamburg.
Love
bobby

So glad he is going to take you. Hope you get there safely.

Enjoy the time. I know you'll find the perfect gift.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Bobby

Why don't you see what he is doing for christmas this year.

You could then invite him to come spend the day with you if
he were spending it with Danny the dog and alone. You can
always have a meal delivered to your apartment all prepared the
day before. Yes it might cost a little more than you like. but
its christmas and its worth it. Whether you usually celebrate
it or not. That way you wouldn't be spending the day alone.

Donna

robert and I have a very informal relationship. He spends a lot of time walking Danny. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
fondly
bobby

I hope that his dog is healthy, it is so hard to lose a pet. My nephew had to put his cat down who had been ill for quite some time. It was very hard on him.
bizi

danny is so healthy. robert gives him very long walks. He monitors the hamburg and chewies I five him. He eats a lot of hamburger that I give him. He is one cool dog.Robert as usual is a master with him.Danny was really tough at first and robert almost returned him.
How hold was the kitty? I am so scared when mine die.
love
bobby

I don't know how old was his robbie cat. and don't know the details of his illness. I just know that Jimmy said he did not want to talk about it. I sent him money in a christmas card and said how proud we are of him for passing the bar in RI the first time and sorry about robbie. We won't be seeing him this year. his parents my sisters son, are going out there to have christmas with him.
My twin sister is visiting my niece, went to her graduation from PA school with honors in nashville TN. She may be going back to IN for a job. nights in an ER. my other niece just became a deputy sheriff again in NC so did her hubby.That means emmy will go to day care.


It is scary when our pets get sick.one year we had 3 cats all ill and on different antibiotics they all recovered thank fully.


we leave on tuesday and will not have internet for 12 days.
I will be thinking of everyone here and wishing you a safe new years, we will get back by new years eve. so I will check in.
love

bizi

i am so depressed. I just took another antidepressant. the bar grip on my bathtub came off. I ordered another to see if that would work better. I have been spending so much money. I have been buying clothes again. I have been feeling so isolated. I didn't talk to anybody today.- ,oh except Marci.
now i am also thinking when my cats will die and when will danny die. they are not sick but I guess I got triggered,
at least I just checked and gold and silver are up. wonder if they will stay there.
just turned on zucchero. afraid i will have trouble walking to the doctor and the results. guess t am torturing myself. the holidays really depress me-no family.

i have had a stomach ache all night.

Oh bobby, I am sorry I triggered you.You take such good care of your cats, I believe they will live a long time because of the care you provide for them.
and yes danny is a healthy dog and very well taken care of.We take better care of our pets than we do of ourselves. Jan 1st is the start of my new diet.no more alcohol and going to the gym to walk on the tred mill, I am so out of shape.


much love to you bobby.
bizi