so far no headache. interesting no stomach ache. i just drank soup today. just threw out a lot of boxes of tea. a lot weren't even opened. I am trying to get rid of clutter., especially because of the roaches.I did go overboard and bought so many cans of soup. I was out of control. I had previously done that with tea .l marci got upset at buying so much soup. She doesn't get my being bipolar and out of control with spending at times. At least I stopped buying clothes. I told marci I was getting rid of a lot of clothes and giving them to good will. they are coming in two weeks to the building. I told her they really helped people. She said that is nice. For the first time I didn't offer her any. I really have given her a lot of nice things. She denied she ever complains
about her health but she definitely does. She keeps on repeating over and over that she smells roaches. She does have a heart of gold but today she made me yell. I don't remember when I lasted yelled. I have to tell her to stop saying she smells roaches. I have been buying so many roach motels and spray.
Then she told me that I should clean the toilet. I got so furious. I have such a hard time bending and even a much worse time getting up. I give her so much slack. She always comes late. She spends so much time getting ready when it is time to go,,like about 15 minutes. A lot of times she spends so much time eating She spends so much time talking to the cats. She is only here 4 hours on monday and tuesday.
I hate confrontation.
I don't know what is going to happen.

I didn't know they can bite. Poor Jeff. It must have been so scary to have something fly in your face. The roaches must love my kitties. I have always left dry cat food and water for them 24 hours. I remember you wrote how big the roaches were in the tree.
Love
Bobby

I am back to drinking more coffee. I was afraid it might raise my bad cholesterol but then I checked out if k cup coffee was filtered or unfiltered.
I was so happy to read the following;

Cafestol is associated with raising bad (LDL) cholesterol levels. Coffee filtered with paper filters do not have this harmuful oil. Furthermore, traditional K-Cups in fact have a paper filter inside that takes out the Cafestol.


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12 HEALTH BENEFITS OF COFFEE
Coffee boosts your physical performance. ...
Coffee may help you lose weight. ...
Coffee helps you burn fat. ...
Coffee helps you focus and stay alert. ...
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Coffee reduces risk of stroke. ...
Coffee reduces risk of Parkinson's disease.

although Marci came an hour late and I thought she quit. SHE WAS SPECULAR. I told her how much I appreciated her very hard work.

I hadn't yelled at anyone except my mother who died years ago.

I usually drink 1-2 cups of coffee before I leave for work. I take caffeine pill 200mg after lunch with my meds. Sometimes I might have a cup of coffee later in the day, but not usually I am afraid it might interfere with my sleep. Though I take sleep meds.I have prn meds to take if the klonipin doesn't work.
So sorry about your bug problem.
I am glad that marci was spectacular. (How did you feel after yelling at her?)

Maybe she wants your clothes that you are giving to the good will?
just a thought or maybe she thought you were going to fire her. You are a push over so is taking advantage of that.
love,
bizi

i wonder if the coffee you drink has a paper filter. I can't tell you how relieved I was when I read that coffee k cups haver paper filters. I love my machine. I
used to make such a mess in the sink with regular coffee grounds. now no more.
I hadn't thought that Marci may have thought that I was going to fire her. I thought because she was an hour late and hadn't called her pride won over her golden heart, I was shocked when I heard the knock on the door. I was shocked at how hard she worked. I told her please stop saying about smelling roaches because it got me so upset. she said that it falls out of her mouth. The rest of the time she didn't say it again. This morning when I went into the kitchen I saw the new trap on top of the stove, the very top, and was pleased there more roaches caught. I don't know if they have a nest under the stove. In my head I thanked Marci.
Marci did seem to be upset when she saw I through out practically all the tea because my bipolar got the best of me. I think she was upset I told her I was going to give a lot of clothes to good will and no longer offer her any.
I have a feeling that I want to get rid of most of them because it is too painful to see how much I was out of control when I kept on buying-bipolar.
I think my mother was the only person besides Stella I have yelled it. It was so incredibly weird. I had loved my mother deeply and told her when I was little I would die for. I have repeated that as a little kid my role was to care of my father when drunk and to tell my mother to be quiet when he was drunk because she would enrage him with her remarks. As a little child I wished my father would leave and then we would have a happy family. I was too little to think that he was the bread winner. I didn't realize that besides being a lawyer he owned an apartment building which also brought in money. There so many fight about money. I have always worried that I wouldn't have any money.
My mother really used me. I read a lot and that bothered her. She was so upset with me during the summer because I spent so time at the tennis courts. She said people would that I disliked being home. giggle so right.
She would be angry how i dressed when I was a teenager. I went to a girl's school and had to wear a gray uniform which I loved because I didn't have to worry about what to wear. On weekends I wore jeans and turtle necks. I really wasn't a problem. I loved a reversible coat I had and she got angry that I wanted to keep that coat which I loved and didn't want a new one. There were so many stupid fights besides dealing with a drunk. My older sister did nothing. She accused them of kidnapping her from a kingdom near Switzerland where she was a princess.
My mother was so thrilled with her when she married an ophthalmologist and had three sons.. After some years she divorced him, got a great settlement and eventually married a trust fund baby. She met Eric through youngest son.
Later after my father died I found out by accident that my mother gave a lot of money to her grandsons. The oldest went to Harvard and after a while started his own business and became a millionaire. The middle went to have Harvard and also got his MBA from Harvard and became an entrepreneur and on the net I read that was extremely wealthy and another article said that he was a billionaire. The youngest went to another school and then finally got his MBA and became a financial analyst and has a great salary.. I really screamed at my mother when I found out about her gifts. The kids are going to inherit a lot of money when their father dies and had inherited a lot of money when Myra die. I had really worked hard as a little kid and older to keep the family together. I felt such bipolar rage. Another I found out by accident that my mother was taking my sister and her youngest son to England on the Concord and back on the qe2. I felt so much rage. Then my mother offered to take me to the Hamptons. Of course after being badly burned I was supposed to not expose my skin much to the sun because of possible skin cancer. I remember when I had to go to a dance and she tried to make buy a cheap dress. I got her on the elevator where she was trapped and just screamed at her. When it came time for graduation, she made a few clothes for me. She was too cheap to buy clothes for me. I raged about that and I think I got her to cry because then I demanded perfection. She also took me to thrift shops to buy used clothes. Myra who is dead was never treated at all like that. I don't know if this is so boring that I should erase it.
I wound up having trouble with jobs. Only got along with a couple of bosses. Then I was in an explosion and sued got money and then like a bipolar risked most of it on the stock market. FOOL. I did get some inheritance from my mother when she died but she left more to Myra. More rage but I could no longer scream at her because she was dead.
I wound up spending almost 6 years under the covers because I was so terrified of not having any money. I forgot. My mother had told me TO LET THE STATE TAKE CARE OF ME. I wonder right this moment if she was evil.
I finally got on disability for my mental illness after 15 years of not working. That was unheard of. The judge commented how much he enjoyed working with my lawyer who I got from a nonprofit agency on the net because he was so organized. Because I waited so long to apply for disability my lawyer didn't think I had a chance. I won. I think you only had five years to apply after your last job.MIRACLE. Alice who used to be my boss testified for me as my lawyer requested. I had to stay out of the court.

Thank you bobby for sharing so much of your past...you have every right to your feelings. I wish I could make you happy, you deserve to be happy. somehow leave the past in the past. I hope writing this out was cathartic some how. again thank you for sharing.
love you
bizi

thank you so much. after i wrote it i felt like dying. I think my therapist found a solution. He thought I should have a Hebrew name and i think of the names he gave was daughter of Zion. He said that would free me from my parents. interesting right/ He didn't like that i had a burial plot between my mother and father. I sent him the thing you read.. He also thinks I have a guardian angel.
love
bobby

Bat-Tziyon בת ציון
Bat-Tziyon means "daughter of Zion," or "daughter of excellence." (variant spellings: Bat-Tzion, Bat-zion)

I also want to thank you for sharing your story.

Please keep talking I hope it will help.

Donna

You could change your name what a great idea, maybe just your last name.?
bizi

then i would have to do legal things. that name says i am the daughter of Zion not of my parents. maybe that will work. Since all night i have been severely depressed. rats.
love
bobby