[befuddled2]

It is so unfair how things happen in life. I had spoken to my Dept. of Rehab. counselor's supervisor today over disatisfaction over my counselor. As I give her reasons dating back to Goodwill and how my counselor stood up for Goodwill she made the statement that I'm difficult to get along with people. Can you believe that because I got yelled at by a teacher at Goodwill which caused a snowball effect of the staff at Goodwill harassing me that I got labled hard to get along with? It is so unfair but then I might have made lead way with the supervior in getting them to give me a computer workstation that will not be so hard on my neck and shoulder pain. She kept making excuses why they could not let me have a work station at home at this moment even though I had told her about me taking online classes and research into me getting a job. Finally I told that if she would have someone set me up a work station that I would pay for it myself. She called me back to ask the specifics of what bothers me about being at the computer for very long so I told her. You see why I have been labled hard to get along with? I guess I know why they lable me that. I'm not one to take things laying down. My husband had squashed that trait in me over the years but it's coming out. Like my husband had told the marriage counselor way back that one thing he liked about me was I don't take no crap. I changed after being with my husband and my husband's constant abuse but I'm getting back to my old self and I see it's stirring some feathers. I also had sent my older brother in Georgia an email tellling him that if wanted a brother sister relationship with me he'd have to face some of the issues he has and I named some of them. He is in big denial to a lot but he did say he would be willing to go to a counselor to mend things which is a start.

This whole mess of standing up for myself again is nerve racking to me because I was a dormat for so long and this is almost like all new to me. I've been having some strong cravings to smoke at night a lot for quite some time now. I feel so out of place and I think this is what is bringing on the craves for a smoke. I know though if I did smoke I would be sick as a dog and that's the biggest detterant in not doing so in those dark moments.

Thank for listening.

[Dmom3005]

Barb

You are making great strides to take care of things that have been so unfair.

And I am hoping they will turn around so that they will give you good turns.

I'm proud of you.

Keep it up. Wish I were closer to you.

Donna

[bizi]

It does sound unfair barbara.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
How are your classes going?
bizi

[Mari]

Dear Befuddled,

The people in that organization sound like they are not enlightened people. I don't think that it is going to be your role to bring them spiritual instruction or insight. It's their own journey to take or not.

(And you have other fish to fry anyway.)

So straighten them out when they need it and assert yourself to get them to do what they are supposed to do. But don't expect any fundamental change with how they deal with you or each other.

People choose (or don't choose) to go on their journey of personal awareness and fulfillment in their own time.

My suggestion is to get the most out of them and then move on to another organization that might have people who are a better fit for you.

Mari

[befuddled2]

Thank you all.

I'm not having a good day today.

befuddled2

[Dmom3005]

Barb

Sending you hugs.

Donna

[moose53]

You know, ((((((Barbara)))))), what you're going through is perfectly NORMAL. Even though it seems a lot of the people that are supposed to be helping you can't see that.

I went through the same sort of thing when I divorced my husband. Matter of fact, I was in the psychiatric hospital for 6 weeks almost a year before I left him. One of the therapists from the hospital predicted that I was going to start having problems at home because I was starting to stand up for myself again.

Picture a big rubber band. Stomp on that thing and shove it into a corner in the closet. What's gonna happen when that thing's finally set free It's just like all the tension has built up and built up for years and years and it's finally allowed to go free. That rubber band's gonna coming shooting out of that closet like a heat-seeking missile.

Once the tension's been released, it'll find a balance that's not too tight and not too loose. AND, not stomped on or suppressed AT ALL

This is another one of those things that's coming as a lesson. Someone's telling you that you're "hard to get along with" and yet you KNOW that you're "really not hard to get along with". That usually means that there's some sort of conflict going on that's making you show a side of yourself that isn't really YOU -- maybe fear?? maybe pressure?? When situations like that come up, THOSE are the things that you should either sit down and write in your journal about until you figure out what's really going on INSIDE YOU ... or ... sit down in front of a mirror and talk with yourself until you find out what's going on INSIDE YOU that you're having trouble with.

Barbara, you haven't been allowed to move and flow through your life the way that you were meant to. Some steps were missed because you were blocked or prevented from taking the steps or even from learning the steps. Those are things that you're gonna stumble over. But, your INSTINCTS are gonna tell you what you need to do. You just need to back up a little, re-do some steps and go on from there.

You can't fool us, Barbara, we ALL KNOW what kind of a person you really are -- who you really are inside -- because you're our sister. Once you get a chance to practice and re-do the things that you're having trouble with, a lot of this HARD STUFF is going to go away.

I know -- we all know -- that you can do it. Have faith in yourself. And don't take guidance as criticism. Everyone that's in your life now is here to help you move forward. We used to have a woman who called herself "Giraffe" in the old forums. She used to say "put on your giraffe ears" -- that was her way of saying "listen very carefully".

So, try to put the anger and the defensiveness away and listen with giraffe ears to the lessons your teachers are trying to give to you.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

[befuddled2]

Thank you Donna for the hugs.

Thank you once again for the wise words Barb. I suppose that hanging out with my old neighbor Pat for so long has had it's ill effects. She's been such a bad influence on me and is now turning as many people as she can against me. I have a few good friends around here though.

befuddled2

[Mari]

Dear Befuddled,
I'm sending good wishes and good energy your way.
M.

[befuddled2]

Thank you Mari,

I made up this song tonight for Pat and Dave who Pat has turned against me.
.... Pat and Dave sitting in a tree,
kisssing and sre*ing everynight till three.

I thought about putting it on the laundry room wall but I won't of course. I know pat reads these boards at times since I had to use her computer and she had the sites addressed that I went to. She does seem to know way too much of everything when she should have been told.

I'm exhuasted on tow Ativans. Gonna relax now in the bed.