Approx 10 years ago I let myself be talked into taking anti-depressants while I was diagnosed with a moderate depression. This was probably true, but I had gone through some things which gave me every reason to be moderately depressed for a while and still don't see why they felt it necessary. Anyway, things went wrong and my emotions and thoughts went totally haywire, I could not sleep more than two hours each night, woke up soaked every time, and believed I had spontaneously gone bonkers. Nobody told me otherwise. Only years later did I make the link with the meds.

So after these meds I was suddenly diagnosed with bi-polar, unspecified autism, borderline syndrome and something else, depression maybe. After two years I was treated with two meds to help me sleep, they worked but led to more drama. You can see me coming here: no more psychopharmaca for me. Ever.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother and younger sister. But since my mother made a plan with my best friend to try and abuse my mental problems for the sake of emotionally alienating and physically removing my then 15 year old daughter, I have mostly avoided contact with my family. They were banking on me being a certified nutter, and it being well known fact that borderliners are paranoid and inconsistent in their friendships, so that no-one would help or believe me. I fought like crazy, in court too, and won. But I had to think hard about myself as to how it was possible that I allowed these two people to damage our relationship and even health to that extent, since I was not gonna fail my daughter as a parent this way once more. I prayed to find out what I was not prepared to see, and I saw. Now I only have very limited contact with my elder sister, and every now and then I have a feigned friendly phone-conversation with my mother to keep tabs on my dad.

Now I have been going through a strong depression for at least six months, but the fear of people organizing things behind my back is finally subsiding. I have also learnt ways to defend myself, make sure people simply can't do these things. I do not give info to people, I do not allow anyone near sources of info about me that they could peek at or steal, I do not allow anyone in my home if I can help it except a couple I have good reason to trust, my older sister and one other old friend. I very gradually and carefully proceed as to who to add to this short list and I am much better at counter-acting quickly when I feel threatened, in a positive, productive way.

My Higher Power has let me know that this depression was needed so that I could heal from these things that happened to me and gain insights as to how to keep us safe. It is nevertheless not a nice feeling, obviously, and frustrating. And I feel lonely, sometimes. That is why I am here.