[minymo]

Approx 10 years ago I let myself be talked into taking anti-depressants while I was diagnosed with a moderate depression. This was probably true, but I had gone through some things which gave me every reason to be moderately depressed for a while and still don't see why they felt it necessary. Anyway, things went wrong and my emotions and thoughts went totally haywire, I could not sleep more than two hours each night, woke up soaked every time, and believed I had spontaneously gone bonkers. Nobody told me otherwise. Only years later did I make the link with the meds.

So after these meds I was suddenly diagnosed with bi-polar, unspecified autism, borderline syndrome and something else, depression maybe. After two years I was treated with two meds to help me sleep, they worked but led to more drama. You can see me coming here: no more psychopharmaca for me. Ever.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother and younger sister. But since my mother made a plan with my best friend to try and abuse my mental problems for the sake of emotionally alienating and physically removing my then 15 year old daughter, I have mostly avoided contact with my family. They were banking on me being a certified nutter, and it being well known fact that borderliners are paranoid and inconsistent in their friendships, so that no-one would help or believe me. I fought like crazy, in court too, and won. But I had to think hard about myself as to how it was possible that I allowed these two people to damage our relationship and even health to that extent, since I was not gonna fail my daughter as a parent this way once more. I prayed to find out what I was not prepared to see, and I saw. Now I only have very limited contact with my elder sister, and every now and then I have a feigned friendly phone-conversation with my mother to keep tabs on my dad.

Now I have been going through a strong depression for at least six months, but the fear of people organizing things behind my back is finally subsiding. I have also learnt ways to defend myself, make sure people simply can't do these things. I do not give info to people, I do not allow anyone near sources of info about me that they could peek at or steal, I do not allow anyone in my home if I can help it except a couple I have good reason to trust, my older sister and one other old friend. I very gradually and carefully proceed as to who to add to this short list and I am much better at counter-acting quickly when I feel threatened, in a positive, productive way.

My Higher Power has let me know that this depression was needed so that I could heal from these things that happened to me and gain insights as to how to keep us safe. It is nevertheless not a nice feeling, obviously, and frustrating. And I feel lonely, sometimes. That is why I am here.

[mymorgy]

welcome....it is a tough world...especially when you have a family who is toxic...I am so happy for you that you have a higher power....I do too...i am glad you also don't see depression as a destructive force....mine has lasted over a year...I am bipolar II...what are your other symptoms...
also so glad you have at least two people you can trust and are not isolated..how is your doctor? what medications are you on? are you able to exercise? are you able to listen to music? how is your sleep now? are there any bipolar groups in your area? how old were you at the onset? I am confused,,do you come from a dysfunctional family or did they become toxic
Bobby
ps I am sorry this doesn't sound like a warm welcome...I am not functioning that well and had only three hours of sleep last nite :-(
My heart wants it to be warm and help with your feelings of isolation.

[bizi]

I just wanted to welcome you to the forums...this is a great place to find information and support.
Many of us have had a difficult time dealing with our mood swings, hoping that you are able to be stable as possible...your daughter needs you...
I am sorry that your depression has lasted this long.
Have you ever tried welbutrin? It is pretty safe for us.
Prozac made me manic.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[BJ]

Welcome to our little part of the world. I like your name Minymo. I feed ferals and I name them and one I called Minnie, one Mickey and one Mo. I know about the depression, believe me, and it's an uphill battle. But you've taken the first step in letting us help you through it I'm glad you've found something that helps with your sleeping. I'm still searching and my pdoc tells me lack of sleep is a BP's worse enemy.

[minymo]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

ps I am sorry this doesn't sound like a warm welcome...I am not functioning that well and had only three hours of sleep last nite :-(
My heart wants it to be warm and help with your feelings of isolation.

This made me smile a lot. I am like that regularly, wanting to be warm or helpful but not really well enough inside my skin to get it right the way I want.

I am not on meds and not going to. Not all that sure about the correctness of the diagnosis bipolar. Borderline, yes, I have had to admit to that

My mother hated me from the day I was born, but I am 50 now, the onset was at 40 because of the pills, and she can't deal in any even tiny way with being wrong about anything, ever, so she fully denies anything ever happened there. I have not pushed her about it, tried to let her know I forgive her but of course, there is nothing to forgive, I am the nutter here. I understand her life was complicated and post-natal depression was an unknown thing in those days, she would not have admitted anything anyhow because of her personality. It's okay with me, all I have to do is keep my distance and fake it and keep my eyes peeled around and about her to keep us safe. What she thinks don't worry me so much these days.

[Mari]

Hello,

Welcome.

Parents can really do a number on us.
I have had nearly two decades of therapy, journaling, talking through this with my sister, reading books on this and so forth.

In the past two years I have started to make a tiny bit of progress in feeling less intense about how they messed up/harmed us when they were raising my siblings and me.

And my parents don't want to hear a word about anything that we have gone through as adults in order to save ourselves.

They ignore what we say, brush it off, try to make a joke out if it, or get angry. I long ago gave up communicating to them on any deep level. When I call, we talk about their projects and what they are doing.

They have a deep capacity of self-deception. And they will do anything to stay deceived.

M.

[minymo]

This is lovely, so many greeting me warmly so fast.

You know, I have had obsessions so bad that I was dangerously skinny and my whole body ached terribly. Have not had any for a long time. As long as that remains so, I count myself lucky and am not touching any meds, but thanks for letting me know a mild one should it ever be needed.

[mymorgy]

Usually antidepressants without mood stabilizer and antipsychotics bring on mania with a bipolar. Oh I went manic on welbutrin with all of the above.
I am on cymbalta...You don't sound borderline to me. There are also awful side effects with medications possibly diabetes etc weight gain blah blah..
how bad is your depression...
you sound as if you have a lot of inner resources :-)
Bobby
ps do you suffer from anxiety=a big symptom of bipolar II

[minymo]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

You don't sound borderline to me.
I dunno ... keep watching me and sooner or later I will?
How bad is your depression...
you sound as if you have a lot of inner resources :-)
Why thank you ma'am At the moment just procastrinating a lot which makes me angry at myself, but not enough to do anything lasting about it, yet.
Bobby
ps do you suffer from anxiety=a big symptom of bipolar II

The anxiety has grown much less (to stay? one can always hope) since I forced myself to expect different things of people and myself and look differently at people and myself. This was a result of failing to keep us safe, which was my duty as a mom. Kids can make us do things we would never do for ourselves, right?

[bizi]

I guess with all medication, the chance for adverse side effects is ever present.
WE have to watch everything we put in our mouths including supplements and over the counter stuff....you never know for sure how it will/could effect us until we take that chance and try it. We get desperate and want to believe that medication will make us all better when in fact it helps a lot of people and causes more problems for others.
bizi
I went manic the first time following a depoprevera shot for birth control.