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Old 06-12-2008, 10:45 AM #1
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tritone tritone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NYC
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tritone tritone is offline
Junior Member
tritone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NYC
Posts: 86
15 yr Member
Default Recognizing and Modifying Behavior

I woke up this morning and I was incredibly and very suddenly in a state of depression that was very strong.

In the past it has often been difficult for me to put a finger directly on the root cause of these sudden shifts - rather they have always crept up on me gradually wearing me down.

Lately I've been finding that I'm able to trace my steps back and usually find the event that triggered the downfall.

Usually I can go back from there and find the origins in my young childhood; for instance:

When I was around six years old my mother wished to divorce my dad. She told me he made her very unhappy. She told me things about her relationship that no child should hear from his mother. She criticized him in the most dreadful ways. When they finally divorced my dad started saying things to me about having to choose which of them I was to live with. I was seven. I knew I wanted to stay with my mother but I was tremendously worried about hurting my father. This caused me such distress that I began to be unable to be in public for fear someone was going to try and drug me. I had nightmares where I was kidnapped and tried to scream for help but no sound would come out of my mouth.

This is only part of the difficulties I "learned" to cope with growing up but I think it is enough to express what I'm feeling.

I used to think "you are a grown man... this childhood junk is a bunch of baloney..."

It isn't.

The only thing I wanted when I was that young child was for everyone to get along. That's it. The only thing.

So as an adult, when my own family drama appears - some of which I am responsible for causing, some of which I am not - it takes me RIGHT back to that place.

How do I cope? I get depressed because I don't know HOW to cope. I'm not taking tranquilizers any more. I've been sober for five years.

I'm making progress I think - progress in the form of realizing where these incredibly powerful emotional responses come from. This is very good.

The only problem is; now that I understand that - what the heck do I DO with it?

How can I alter this pattern?

It is one thing to forgive the past and move forward in the present - BUT, what if you are constantly challenged in the present, by people and circumstances you have no control over that constantly rip open the wound over and over again?

This is why I'm really, really good at helping people with their own issues - I can figure this out. What I CAN'T seem to do is utilize it to help myself.

The new ease I'm finding in making these connections is definitely progress - and that clarity is increasing. Sometimes it seems like the more clarity I get; the stronger the NEGATIVE feelings get! It is a constant and exhausting tug of war.

How do you guys think one can move forward? There is no running away. Only stay and fight...
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