[waves]

nature of this post:

I just posted this in a thread in the Depression Forum, where ppl are also not well. I felt sort of awkward posting this here - kinda like raining on a picnic? Well then i felt stupid feeling awkward, since i feel awkward a lot lately, and arbitrarily, so here I am.

Some of you may recall I was terribly depressed between feb and june... then ok for a bit... and (i was hoping for a little hypmania but...) now i am down again. It is partly (i THINK) a sort of slow convalescence from the depression, but now, i also have a ton of stressors in my life. i am moving, for one, and after almost a year of "rest" due to physical problems... i am so out of shape i get exhausted so fast.

The necessity for the move is a marker of "failure" to maintain myself, which feels horrid. i also had a break up recently, which feels horrid. i also had someone tell me awful things lately, which felt horrid. i have sudden lapses into terrible thoughts. so i occasionally and unpredictably have to curl up in fetal position and cry helplessly as i feel a huge painful void inside that sucks me in.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

Dear WAves,
It sounds as though you ARE really having a bump in the road.
I wish that there was a way to filter terrible information from our attention,the news, friends woes and criticisms, etc.
Remember that our lives are in change, a flux to speak and we have many, many chapters to see how it enfolds. The challenge is to simply enjoy the route and not wait for some final destination before we are "happy".
Please don't be hard on yourself....
and above all be safe.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[waves]

thankz Bizi.

I really needed your kind words.

It is so hard not being able to talk to anyone... those to whom i could talk are too close - i have learned to avoid telling them "everything" because they either go into a frenzy of guilt-grief-anxiety-pressure (parents), other ppl just shut down and can't take it. one friend hung up on me when i was in a mixed state bad... 15 mg of zyprexa and 3 hours later i was still screaming crying running around, on two phones simultaneously and rummagine cupboards.... the guy on the one phone, whom i had called to come over, hung up. really, if he wasn't gonig to come here, he should have called 911. but he was just overwhelmed. he shut down and ran for his sanity.

Recently there is so much - some of the awful things said were directly painful, others indirectly - led me to think of a variety of things, choices i may not have any more - big ones. brought back a lot of heavy stuff. brought up my emotional "innards" with it.

my last few sessions with my pdoc-therapist i began wondering if some of these issues i need a different sort of therapist. Like an emotional therapist? Somebody who can sit and listen to pain and help me understand/cope with it, if not overcome it. Also some of the issues are female-oriented and ... well i just don't think a man could get it. But he will be back from vacation next week, and at least i'll be able to have someone as a paid and trained sounding board lol.

i also need to verify my meds. last week i got so bad i upped my Zoloft from 100 to 150. (loaded plasma level by taking 200 the first day). Pdoc trusts me to manage the Zoloft well, but I always always let him know asap when/why i make any changes, in case he has a differing opinion.

thanks again Bizi. I tried to be real vague. tried to avoid the overwhelm.

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~

[waves]

Ironically, i have more energy now - less of an anxious fearful paranoid depression - situationally triggered but i think its still riding on the chemicals of the spring bipolar down. ok so now i have more of an energy reserve to "put on a good show for everyone." So nobody around here knows, nobody. Not even pdoc.

While the energy and genuine ability for enjoyment are both huge steps from before, what nobody sees is that, after every expenditure of either, i crawl back to my hole and cry anonymously.

[bizi]

Hugs for you dear waves...I hope you got some sleep tonight.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
oh
Please get a female therapist to help you with these "female" issues.
You are right.
I ma not sure if this helps but I will suggest it anywhay.
Can you trust one friend to call one...regularily.
What I mean is....someone to get together with for girls night out. Or lunch or cup of coffee on wednesdays.....normal stuff.
Steady stuff...a girl friend to help be stable for you....with you.
How is your foot these days?
Are you able to have some regular exercise?
Getting into a routine really helps me stay on coarse.
I wish for you some peace.

[waves]

hi

again thanks, Bizi.

No female friends here that i see "regularly." as in weekly or whatever. I would like that. there is my sort-of-ex from whom i am now totally hiding my crappy feelings because for three years now, i put up with what i read as looks of pity, and i am just sick to the core of it.

people here just don't seem to have that "concept" of weekly get togethers. everything is like a major deal. they all "have a life."

one gal started coming for English conversation/dinner every tuesday... but there were more exceptions than rule. work travel one week, back 2, then holiday two weeks, back one week but parents with her, one week holiday, guest from work, away with her mom. i end up seeing her about 1ce a month average. and right now, no English... she has a "situation" and we have ended up just talking the past few times. she has gotten to where she runs in the door and is all set to go... i have to "tame her" until i get dinner on the table. then i can pay attention. last time when she left she actually thanked me for the "therapy session!" she is the most balanced person i can talk to, and can tell her anything, but she is also has a very rational "shell"... difficult to feel comfortable really ... you know. she has seen me down, but... she's a "problem solver" more than a listener, sounding board, comforter, etc.

the people i do talk to are all in the US. no face-time obviously. also, they seem to be allergic to phone. so we IM mostly. hardly any mail. gosh i so miss late nights at Denny's having their moonlight menu and too much coffee with my best friend, now married and safe in bed by 11.

he once gave me a fridge magnet that said: "a true friend is one that you can call up at 3 o'clock in the morning." it was reciprocally true at the time. times change. i still love him dearly but... he "has a life now" and i am happy for him, but it has been a loss for me which i'm over pretty much, but, just when i need that fridge magnet i remember it is now obsolete. i still have it.

i know about being comfortable with my own company. reminds me of that song Bad to the Bone (tho need not apply to drinking) - "when I drink alone, i prefer to be by myself." I have lived alone for yeaaars. it is expensive and now, for the second time, i have to give it up. i cherish solitude. i prefer it by miles and miles to feeling alone (lonely) in the company of those who can't deal with me. yes, i do get lonely. i sort of just "take it." i remind myself it would only be worse with others around.

i have so far not moved any art/music supplies, hoping for an artistic "fugue" but no such luck. this kind of active, painful depression can take me places in that sense. some dangerous but writing about it is a good valve. what your write, you don't do. unlike those grey thoughts gone feelings gone flat comatose depressions if you can call them that in all that indistinguishable nothingness.

i have to stop now coz i'm grying to much everything makes me cry even when people are kind because it is so touching i can't handle it isn't that weird?

Now i will try to distract myself. I will also look for a female therapist once moved. thanks for your feedback on that.

sorry for the long post. thank goodness i have to stop i guess.

hugs

~ waves ~

[bizi]

hugs to you dear waves....
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Isis]

Hi Waves,

Ugh! Not pleasant.

Not much to say, but sometimes kindly sympathy works such magic. As does the physical presence of someone who one knows can be taken for granted.

I guess I just described Paradise.

If this helps, most of us *gifted one*s often row a similar boat. It is just that sometimes someone rows out far to where land disappears. But we are the *gifted one*s and we always find the land we had left behind.

Love