I read these links. One thing popped out to me and that is that I think, generally speaking, that this word vulnerable has different meanings for most men than women.

For instance, I've had great relationships with guys I liked and admired - but we didn't bare all to each other, nor did it matter.

Conversely my wife knows everything there is to know about me. This idea of opening up or being vulnerable has always been extremely important to the women in my life.

The word scares me. Vulnerable. It just makes me feel scared.

On the other hand, having the deeply close relationship I have with her has required me to let go and allow myself to be in a position where I could be terribly hurt, perhaps beyond repair, if anything were to happen to our relationship. Vulnerable.

To me the difference between this and codependence is that neither of us are making the other miserable. No abuse. While we are very much dependent on each other we also make a bigger sum than the two of us alone.

None of my other relationships (work, etc...) have much to do with being vulnerable. My boss and I have a good relationship, but it isn't one where we share personal details with each other.

I know in the past I couldn't "surrender" myself into a situation where I felt vulnerable. I've found with age I'm able to do it more often. Its about being ok with releasing my own control. It can be very hard to do.

Being vulnerable is being able to show the other person "here I am... I'm revealing all of myself to you... Its ok and I hope you'll do the same..."

I think that I will think about being vulnerable for along time...
bizi

I guess I just tried to express my understanding of the term... I hope I didn't make anyone feel worse...

Of course not Tritone,
I appreciate your responces and you are very thoughtful.
How do you love someone be vulnerable to them and not become codependant?
bizi

I really loved this girl once. My inner life and my behavior were extremely unstable at that time. She was physically stunning, charming, bright - but only on good days. On bad days she was horribly alcoholic. She went on drug binges. She'd prostitute herself if she had to. She was the most severe type of bipolar person I've ever had any knowledge of. In addition she had massive other personality issues.

She came in and out of my life as she wished for about two years. I went through unbelievable pain, yet I stayed with her.

During that same period of time there was another woman who had severe issues with depression and a pathological distrust of people. The relationship caused incredible strain on me and on my relationship with my kids - but I stayed.

In both cases I was sure I was deeply in love and nobody would ever want me the same way again. So I hung on for dear life - despite the fact that it was killing me inside and I surely would have been better off without them. (although I think having cared for those people taught me volumes about myself).

I don't think loving someone (in the way we are using the word) and being vulnerable can not exist apart from each other. I love the people I work with everyday, but I don't love them like I love my wife or my kids. If one of my work friends decides to move to Siberia next week we will have a party. I'll miss that person, but life goes on and soon it will almost seem like they were never there. If my wife decided to leave me and move to Siberia I don't know how I'd carry on alone.

I am dependent on my wife. We support each other. Its not like the other relationships that had brief, fleeting moments of extreme excitement followed by misery.

Recreational drugs can make you feel incredible... but for every moment of bliss, there are a thousand moments of suffering. That to me is the difference between codependency and a trusting, caring love relationship.

I think that I have armor on, protecting myself for some reason.
The biggest reason I am in therapy now is that I don't have any passion in my life right now. I want to feel passionate about life again....
bizi
thanks for your input....

I'm guessing that one can become vulnerable by fully trusting in oneself, the moment, the goodness of other people . ..
....Just a guess . . . not an expert.

M.

I was in therapy too for the same reason. My husband does not talk or share very much although I know he loves me it is very hard to be alone with someone. It is something I've had to accept or divorce him. Although I'm not in love with him anymore, I love him and he is very good to me. Does that make sense?

There was a metaphore I was trying to get at the other day, talking about improvising music. Having taught for years and been an accomplished improvisor I've heard many people say they can't do it, they took fruitless lessons, they have a tin ear, etc...

I always felt like one of the things you need to be able to do to play freely, to improvise, is be able to let go. Forget about mistakes. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

I've seen many students who were just so scared of surrendering control they clung tightly, or tried to force control over it and just couldn't do it. I've heard people with *little* musical sensibility improvise - they sounded weird or maybe their note choices were pretty out there - but they did not sound like they were trying to impose a forced sense of control.

Turning the tables on myself - I hate dancing. I don't actually hate it. I do it when I'm alone. I used to do it drunk. But it is the most terrifying thing for me to go out on a dance floor and dance with my wife. The only reason I can come up with is that I'm too scared to just let go and have fun. I won't surrender.

hi doxie,
yes that makes sense....and I am sorry for you.
I feel like I am in the middle of a mid life crisis, an identity crisis if you will.
I have also been having a bit of mania and have increased my medications.
I should be in bed ....have not taken my meds yet....
~sigh
listening to cats hiss at each other...think it is going to be an interesting night.
bizi