I mentioned back in the Spring that I had spent 10 days in a psych unit up in Westchester about a half hour from the City. I was in bad shape mentally and made a very impulsive decision which put me there for my own safety.

Some of you know that part of my history involves something very unpleasant that occurred during a time of my life when I was very ill and very impulsive.

Well, when I arrived on this unit they treated me like I was some kind of serial killer. When I finally got to see the pdoc the interview was brief and rushed. He only seemed interested in that thing I did back in 2002 and little else. He never asked me about my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my parents. Well, fleeting questions - but nothing that I would consider important. The second interview was even more brief and disappointing. I felt this guy had no idea who I was.

The third day he drops a bomb on me. He sits down and tells me that he's been trying to work on a diagnosis and there were two ways he could look at it: SYMPATHY as in feeling sorry for me, or using his diagnostic tools and branding me a SOCIOPATH. My heart just about hit the floor. Then, he tells me that he and the social worker finally got a hold of my wife who told them she wasn't interested in coming in to meet with them (nothing could have been further from the truth, she came to see me EVERY day when she got out of work, including weekends). So at this point I'm sobbing... and apologizing... and saying I don't mean to hurt people... and then he tells me that what I did, that awful thing from six years ago, is "UNCONSCIONABLE". Can you image this? A psychiatrist? Unconscionable? Really?

After all that, I call my wife. She said, "WHAT???" and had never talked to them. So now I'm thinking he just played a game with me and wanted to see how I'd react if he told me I really was the scumbag I sometimes feel like I am, and also that the most important person in my whole world didn't want anything to do with me.

The next day was like a ray of sunshine - he mentioned the sociopath thing again and I was like "yeah, whatever..." then he asked me to play the piano for him since he knew I was a musician. He started asking me if I knew this person or that person, like 50 different people - like a quiz to see if I really knew anything about music. Of course I knew who they all were and even had personal stories regarding a few of them. So I played for him, and do you know what he said? "Oh, so ok you are the real deal then..." Then he descended into the typical musician wannabe questions like, "I can not figure out how to improvise... " the only answer to that question is that you have to listen and copy other people until you have a handle on how it is put together, then try and do it on your own. The other thing is that if you can't let go of your sense of control, you'll never get it. There is a flow that you have to surrender to. It takes time, practice, patience... just like anything else. I doubt anyone handed him his MD. He earned it I'd presume... I know maybe I'm not being entirely fair at this point - in fact I thought maybe now that he'd seen me be a human being and create a little moment just for him maybe he'd stop calling me a sociopath. I thought maybe he really was just testing me and that it would all work out and end up being a great experience. I wasn't so lucky.

Over the next few days I went to the groups that were available. They were all led by therapists and social workers. Ordinarily when I'm in a group (been in lots now...) I'll contribute and then read the expression on the other people's faces as to what they were thinking or how they felt. When I looked at the leaders, they looked back at me with blank, cold stares. It was crazy. Not a smile. Nothing. Just empty chilling blank stares. It seemed pretty obvious that he had proclaimed his diagnosis to the "team".

The up side of this is that it shook me up. I re-evaluated everything about myself. I also managed to come off benzos for the first time in over five years. I gave him credit for that, but I think my euphoria for getting off the benzos and just getting the heck out of there got the better of me.

I've discussed this with my private PDoc. The hospital pdoc even called him and said I was a sociopath. I asked my PDoc about it.

This continues to bother me. I'm not sure why it keeps bothering me but it does. I asked my PDoc if I was a sociopath and he just kind of looked at me and said that if I was really a sociopath I never would have asked him that question... then he said "do you have feelings? do you care about your children? do you love your wife?" - so NO, I am not a sociopath.

I might be a lot of things... unfeeling is NOT one of them... I can be selfish... but I'm not a liar... I'm not a sadist... I never tortured animals... I process everything that happens around me to the depths of my being. This is not a sociopath...

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'm not sure why I can't just let it die.