Dear Waves,
Sorry that you feel yucky.

It seems that you made clear where you are at the moment and where you want to go in future sessions.

I wonder if getting it out like this and explaining your needs made you feel a little better.

M.

Hi Barbara,

i hope beer doesn't give you migraines. :( it seems to be having that effect on me with increasing frequency. it happened once when i had only had ONE beer. other times i had a couple margaritas and nothing happened but i don't have those often so i was probably just lucky. they make margaritas really tiny here, too - in a martini glass. seems like i remember getting them in big mug-glasses like at Chili's. at times i have thought distilled liquor is less of a problem than fermented anything, but i believe i've had migraine with a bloody mary too. which is just vodka in there.

Mari,

thanks Mari. well, thing is, not much.

i just got the "need to change direction" part in. because we were rushed by the time i got off the off-topic chat (avoidance i guess). the issue had already been brought up last time. this time i was more certain of its impact and had recalled some things that upheld that theory. to the point that pdoc pretty much also decided this isn't a bipolar mood swing. in his words, being more emotional may play a part but not every strong emotion or strong state is attributable to being bipolar, and this particular one is very consistent with a reality that would affect a person deeply, bipolar or not. another reason he was hesitant to medicate.

also i feel rather more up in the air because i have doubts as to whether he can help on this. just in a few things i said he wanted to answer in the way of explaining my mom's behavior. well this is a bone we will have to pick, because i know that stuff, but this isn't about how she is, this is about HOW I FEEL, and i need more of support with THAT than a "perspective" of anyone else's behavior. in the process, my point got lost... my point had been the added difficulty in not being able ever to resolve with my mom her involvement. so i ALSO have to deal with not dealing with that, and i WILL need help with that too. that was the point. especially as i am living with the woman and she is triggering me to all heck with analog behaviors to the time of origin of my loss.

it helps writing it out here so i will remember to tell him this (not sure how) next time. but had we not been rushed i would have tried to clarify what i need more, when he did that. the fact that he intervened in that way also supports my sense that he is more thinky... so i am scared (yes, scared, because i can't imagine doing this with another therapist because of the level of trust and degree of ehh "comfort" ;) i already have with him. never mind i can't afford another therapist. but he can only do what he can do. i need supportive therapy and guidance at an emotional level now, less than at a cognitive level. some guidance at a cognitive level is always appropriate, but cannot take the place of the other. not for this. so i am scared i will be up the stinky creek without a therapist... not that i will lose him... just feel very shaky about whether he can help. remains to be seen. may have to just do the best we can.

i asked him to look into peer support group for me. he told me with a sigh that it would be difficult because it is not so fashionable here. :rolleyes: i pleaded with him to try and ask around through his contacts... in case. he said he would ask, but not to get my hopes but because it was not a very common thing. then he suggested i look around on the internet. i nearly died. i told him a friend had done that for me but i am not able to research it much myself... i get ... (i shook my hands), so please would he see what he could find. i think he will look. i wish he would look via internet as well, but probably not. i don't know, i don't care, if he comes up with something good if not oh well.

i do feel a little better having the med script. i don't have to worry about it any more, even if it takes me some time to move on it. i will just let pdoc know if/when i decide to start the wellbutrin.

off again i need pills for my migraine... it is full-fledged today. it is not a hangover headache caused by dehydration. i had plenty of water all through last night (couldn't sleep anyway). i slept poorly this morning with mom making big noises and my feeling too tired to get up and make for the earplugs.

i really need to set my mind to order non-alcoholic bevs, even if i want to go to a bar for other reasons. then if i still have more than 1 per month i will see about a triptan. but prevention is better than cure.

k. off with me now... gotta get me 600mg ibuprofen down the gullet, fast, and away from bright screen... pain is escalating.

:Sigh:

~ waves ~

i am so sad and frustrated that you are suffering so. I can easily relate to it.
Life seems to get harder and more painful. You are so sensitive. I probably sound as if I am preaching and maybe I am. How do you learn to really love yourself and think you are precious? We as bipolars have an easy time recognizing our short comings...the more we remove ourselves from the mainstream, the easier it is to feel the short comings and the pain from the past. I have convinced myself that the only thing that can help me is faith..faith that is with me all the time. I have been totally miserable for over half a year now. I just keep on coming back to that. Through faith maybe i will really feel love for myself. Do you feel love for yourself? I AM A LOT OLDER THAN YOU AND I STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN UP HOPE.
lOVE YOU
bOBBY

Dear Bobby
 

Thank you for your message

I am glad you haven't given up. I really hope things get better for you soon, you so deserve it. :hug:

i need to just nurse this f---ing migraine now :mad: :( :o ... it can last well over a day...

love,

~ waves ~

I wish it weren't so hard on you guys....
sending healing hugs to you both
(((((HUGS))))
love beth

Most of you have probably heard Whitney Houston sing the words "learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all," and so it is. I believe it is what all of us need, yet it's what so few of us truly have. How is it that we don’t love ourselves--and how do we learn to love ourselves?

I'm sorry you felt rushed Waves, I know how that feels. So much to say but so little time. I honestly think they don't realize how hard it is and how many minutes go by where we are in a zone, or out of the zone. I'm not sure if I said that right. :confused: It seems like the door may be open and I hope you're able to work through some of these emotions :hug:

BJ
 

Hi BJ,

i am not sure if i love myself. i think perhaps i do because if i didn't... well, i am not sure i'd be here now. also i like things about myself. (not everything!) then other times i am not so sure because it seems i am not very nice to myself. i do not take care of myself very well.

as for the rushing... yes, i mean, there is next session. we can pick up where we left off. or rather i need to specify the things i didn't and then pick up... somewhere.

he didn't rush me out of the office either, since the medication issue was important. i did it all to myself, in a way, by derailing the first part of the session.

My pdoc is a good guy. I know he has his areas of talent and less talent. Psychology and sensitivity is a greater talent with him than perhaps even medicine really. His approach with meds is conservative - which is in sync with my preferences. I was taking a fistful of pills with my former pdoc, and still having to face adjustments every so often. Now, i take 2 meds, 4 if you count the as needed ones which i hardly ever use. Otherwise i literally only take 2 pills every night, that's it.

But i've gone off track again... sigh. It seems like i WANT to derail. As it is i am excruciatingly sensitive right now my mom said something over dinner and i'm sure she has NO CLUE how closely linked it feels to me and to this grieving stuff, but it was and oh man, i said twice i didn't want to hear any more about it, and had she not complied i would have had to leave the table.

But i was saying my pdoc/tdoc is a good guy and psychology/psychotherapy is one of his strong points and original area of interest (i asked him what led him to become a psychiatrist). So, even if he leans on the thinky side, he can probably help some. Certainly he will listen. I think i will need to journal to help us home in on my needs and that is scary. Because i am scared of it being lost/found/read by someone else. But anyway, regardless of my or any specific situation, i am sure he is no stranger to the processes of grief and mourning so, I probably need not despair. He surely can help some.

I might need to be mindful of the "cognitive/left-brained" rudder of his and adjust it sometimes. Journaling will help with that. Help me place emphasis.

You know, i really thought i was much better ... more over this ... than i seem to be. This year really hit me by surprise. We had worked on certain aspects last year and i had felt "lighter." Now i am realizing, perhaps it is in fact that work that is actually allowing me to feel more now, where before i was perhaps suppressing/repressing a lot more.

I know it will never, ever go away completely. But i need it to be better than this. Currently going out is not just difficult because of feeling down. Sometimes, like right this minute, i don't feel down. But when i go out i am often overloaded with triggers. i have learned over years not to react, outwardly. I can even engage positively sometimes. But there is a cutting edge to it. I hope that cutting edge can at least be blunted... for real... not by repression. :o I want some peace. I NEED some peace.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
 

Dear Waves,
Mostly this is a good report.
Maybe I am happy to know that you see him regularly.

Regarding my mother issues in general (not yours -- talking about mine): I think that they are deep and perhaps lifelong.

I read a really good book about 15 years ago about women's passages with their mothers. I wish so much that I still had that book. It was all case studies -- still very useful.

M.

posted here as well....
 

Dear Waves,
This sounds like awful cycling....
This also sounds like chemicals too...like maybe this is more than just grief.
Grief alone is hard ...but then throw bipolar into the mix and you really have trouble.
I wonder if you will get your welbutrin prescription filled.
How long have you been on depokote?
Do you think this mood stabilizer is still working for you?
Is trileptal available there?
You can't get lamictal is that right?
I am sorry that you are feeling this badly.
there are hot line numbers to call if you are ever in need of talking to anybody, the chat rooms here are very slow but there are people chatting usually in the psychcentral chat rooms, sometimes I go there when I want to talk to someone. I will try to get the link for you. you have to register and I don't remember that being a big deal.
I am sorry this is so hard for you right now.
((((HUGS)))
beth

http://forums.psychcentral.com/chat/

this is a link to the chat rooms, you will have to register but that is easy.
psychcentral is a huge forum with many many different areas of support, they are our parent forum though some folks don't realize this.
I will scan the menu to see if there are any grief specific forums there.
((((HUGS))))
beth