Dear BJ,

you are not alone in being upset by your pdoc. mine has upset me many times in the past. yes they are human. the important thing though, is to go back and talk about the upsetness openly. relate back the statement that hurt, and say ... what you said here... that it made you shiver. and what did she mean by that anyway?

you say you are afraid not to trust her... like if you challenge her, she might leave you? no. ain't gonna happen. nope. i'm not clairvoyant but i'd bet money, honestly.

in my case, there were some things that my therapist was taking too lightly - or appeared to. that or he was resisting them. it was VERY upsetting because they were VERY deep issues. also part of it, but not limited to that, were instances of taking calls in sessions. not always a problem, but sometimes very much so. now... i pained for weeks, cancelling appointments and not making new ones, on how to go about it. i felt it would be out of place to tell him how to run his practice/manage his phone! and to tell him i felt he was resisting a topic ... sure, i expressed it as my perception, but i was afraid to get stuck holding the "perception" ya know? and between the two, i was afraid of being abandoned, or told, take it or leave it.

when i finally talked to him, it was actually very simple. first, he confirmed his avoidant behavior. although unintentional, he said that i was deeply emotional when i came to that topic, and that he was probably not maintaining adequate internal distance; he admitted to feeling helpless. but he said that he hadn't realized how much it was affecting therapy, and he would work on that. i haven't had a problem with it since. as for the phone he said, oh does that bother you, i can turn it off. now, many of you reading may find it ludicrous for a pdoc to keep a phone on during session, but believe me, it cuts both ways - it is handy when you need to talk to him urgently but just briefly and he picks up when you call. and not all sessions are so intense as to not be able to handle the interruption. however, now, he sometimes asks me if he can take a call... i guess when he feels uncertain about my state. if we have "heavy work" on the horizon, he asks at the start of session if he should turn the phone off. sometimes - always if i show up in in bad shape - he just turns it off without asking.

in other words, yes, there were problems, and some were about him, but he owned them and did not abandon me, and adjusted his boundaries so he could help me better.

we have had several confrontations about several things over 5 years and, well... now we haven't had one in a while. but i still get times where he says something that leaves me perplexed... or scared... my mind goes places with it... and then i just go back and get clarification. it has always worked out positively. always.

i hope you will be as direct as you can with your counselor and i am willing to bet she will work with you. often, a simple clarification is all it takes. but it is important to make these "small" clarifications. they make your therapeutic relationship stronger.

good luck and s

back to my zoner-game so i can get snoozy soon.

~ waves ~