[Pamster]

And have used it twice, going again tomorrow too. I am feeling stronger and much less depressed, I write that off as being due to the sunshine and exercise I'm getting from our pool outings. Jackie loves it but he's been acting up when we get home, it's like he just has so much energy and gets so bored, thank heavens summer school starts on Monday!

I am not using the CPAP religiously like I need to and it's bothering me that I'm not, but it's the mask, it makes me sweat and with the perimenapause going on (not for sure it is yet, got to go in for a ultrasound on my uterus to see if I have fibroids) I really don't want to sleep with it on. Other then that things are going well.

I know it's been a little while since I posted, but I just don't have motivation to do much. I am still bothered by my inability to write, I hope that when he's in summer school I can get into the old work in progress, or start something new. Jack is having sugery in the middle of the month and I am planning on getting my tubes tied once things work out so that I can make that happen.

The ultrasound is the next step to that, then I need to go back to the health dept. and get the results, see the video on the procedure and then they make you wait a month to make sure you really WANT it done. So hopefully it will work out well, with all the meds I take I really can't imagine having another baby at 40. So I need to do this now, to protect myself and Jackie from the pain that would bring our family.

Sure I would love it and do everything for it, but I just can't go through childbirth again or pregnancy, I would most likely end up diabetic, I skirted it last time around, and I really do not want to temp fate. This is a big thing for me since I put off getting the pap for over a year. I was going to get an IUD but they have side effects and I don't want heavier periods. So hopefully this tube tying will take away the anxiety I feel over the potential of pregnancy.

[Mari]

Dear Pam,

This sounds like lots of medical stuff to keep up with.
Sorry.

The pool pass sounds great. I love water.

Do you have new news for us on Jackie and the trike?

M.

[Pamster]

He still hasn't ridden it yet, maybe today, we've been going to the pool and he's lost over FIVE pounds! It's been awesome!

We're going out with mom today and I doubt we'll have time to do the bike today. He sits on it here in the livingroom and balances just fine so we're confident he'll be able to ride it, but this makes a whole week we've had it and we haven't gotten him out on it.

[bizi]

Dear pammy, I can relate to the fear of getting pregnant.

good for you about the pool pass! and great that he has lost weight!!!!!
have a great fourth of july weekend.
beth

[Pamster]

Thanks Beth! I am really excited he lost five pounds because he's at a crucial stage in development right now. It's just been so hot we haven't wanted to get him on the bike yet. He's been great about it too. It has to be driving him nuts too. I got a new bolt and nut for the fender so we can put it on now, hopefully that will get put on today and he may be even able to take it for a spin. I hope so, he's been great about it.

We are definitely going to the pool today though and I am glad we got the passes, (we each have a card they scan and they even laminated them for us) and I am looking forward to the fun we'll have swimming together later. We went to Walmart yesterday and I got my hair cut so now the entire head, except for my bangs are one length again. Well I say again, but truth be told I have always had bangs except when I was a kid. One more hair cut in December probably, and the bangs will all be caught up.

I go in not next week but the week after that to get my ultrasound done. Did a pregnancy test this morning and it's negative, Jack thinks I'll be fine not having the surgery but I have heard of too many women having a 'change of life baby' to want to add myself to the list. I really don't know how long menapause will last for me either so to be safe I need to get this done.

So that's where I'm at today, hopefully things will go well Monday for Jackie in summer school, we went for a speech evaluation and they recommended speech sessions twice a week. So tomorrow is his first session. The evaluation was cool, I like his therapist, she's really on the ball.

[bizi]

I am happy for you pammy, you sound great!
((((HUGS))))
beth

[Pamster]

I feel much better, I think summer school starting today will be awesome for me, I just have had a hard, hard time this summer, and it's not over yet, we'll still have almost three weeks to get through after July is over and we've got three day weekends to get through all through July. I don't know, I guess I am just tired of having people in the house and today the behavior analyst comes back and we're going to talk about fading the services. I don't want to talk to her, but I know we have to. I feel like we really don't even need her anymore since she wasn't here at all through the month of June when we needed her the most you know? Just not fair.

Getting ready to see my T-doc in three hours, hoping it will help. I just have such trouble with life right now, it's been awful. From anxiety over the tricycle (the whole trip going to walmart to get it and the trip home with it in the trunk, then anxiety which proved founded because we DID end up losing a screw during its assembly) to anxiety over Jackie breaking stuff. Or hurting me. It's been awful. I wish the P-doc would let me stay on lorazepam. I have great doubt that they Buspar will work for me. Oh well, even if I don't like what she has to say I kinda am stuck with it because there are no other P-docs taking new patients in the area right now that take medicare and medicaid.

[Mari]

Dear Pam,
I wish that you could feel easier about getting the med that you need.

After today's discussion with the behav analyst, you will feel better -- one more thing checked off and done.

I hope that your tdoc visit goes well.
M.

[Pamster]

Well the behavior analyst just left and I am sitting here crying because of anxiety. I felt it coming on when she was here and because Jack couldn't be out here with me I let her walk all over us. I am so upset. They are going to end services in the last week of July. I really don't like this one bit. I hate myself right now. I can't stop crying! What a stinkin' weakling I am to let her walk over us like this. I don't know what to do but just to sit here and take it. Jack is having surgery and we're losing behavior services.

[Dmom3005]

Pam

I would look into respite instead of behaviour services now that you are losing
this. I would also file a formal complaint against this group and what they have done I think. I believe the fact that they didn't come at all in June and
are ending it at the end of July can be a violation. You should have services
till at least he goes back to school.

Donna