[ruby1]

Hi, Sorry in advance - this is long
I’ve been with my partner for just over 2 years, and he moved out 2 wks ago, so I guess raw emotional state is an understatement.
I have been the main breadwinner from the start, and this has always sat badly with him, but he has been striving, working, doing everything to get back to the succesful man he has always previously been in his life. He has always given/paid his way (whatever you want to call it) whenever he has been able. I have held no resentment to him at all.
From the beginning, on first meeting and then being in a relationship with him, I can truly say there is no better man out there for me. I love him with all my heart, we related, loved, laughed, even had the same weird way of looking at things. In every way possible he made me feel happy and loved.
Things finally seemed to be on the rise for him, work was going well, and I know this and the money he saw as finally being able to contribute, were all helping his esteem as a man.
Then about a month and a half ago, due to the crooked dealings of another he has been left saddled with a huge amount of money to find, or he will face bankruptcy, and after that will be struck off from his type of work. With a struggle I could find that money, and stop all this happening, but he WILL NOT even consider this option. We have talked about this over and over and he will not move from that stance.
In brief, he has gone from this open loving man, to feeling trapped, can’t see beyond tomorrow, keeps saying he’s a failure, and that I am better off without him.
Believe me I have tried to re-assure him that I don’t see him in this way, I have been calm, emotional, tearful…
He says that 6 wks ago he could never have dreamt of leaving me, but now doesn’t even know if he loves me at all. In less than a wk he seemed to totally hit rock bottom, start drink driving, and all sorts of other irrational and totally out of character traits.
I tried discussing depression with him (I’ve struggled with it since my early teens and I’m now in my mid forties – glad to say it’s been a good few yrs for me in what I suppose I feel as a sort of remission – always aware and maintain ways to keep it at bay) but he does not feel that this is what is happening with him. He just kept repeating, over and over that being with me makes his failure more acute, and, if he stayed he would end up making me hate him.
Suffice to say, he moved out 2 wks ago, and I am utterly devastated, and in total shock.
I know he knows I love him with all my heart, he has agreed to stay locally for a while for my benefit, although I don’t know where. All his belongings are in storage, and he has no plan of what to do next. He assures me that he has no plans on suicide – and I did at the time believe that, but, if he does estrange himself from everyone he knows, as he says he will – how long will that be true? He said he would keep his cell with him, and we agreed that I can text and that he will reply when he feels able. So far he has replied once, briefly and with none of his usual love, in fact he told me there is no hope.
Finally he did agree that should he ever want to come back, or even call I’ve sad he shouldn’t hesitate.
I've sent 2 emails both non-judgemental, and loving.
I bumped into him totally by accident yesterday and although he did talk to me he looked withdrawn and really only re-iterated that we had no future and that he had flicked the switch on us because he had to. He also spoke about not being able to stay still as things would catch up..!!
Finally I realise that I have to stop all contact, I do know I have to walk away and see what happens, but I do still hope. Is that stupid? Have I already driven him away by prodding at him.

If anyone can give me advice it would be so appreciated, I am so devastated by this, hard to think straight..I really do miss that loving man and it seems to have been an overnight transformation.

[Rrae]

.....and welcome to NT!

I'm so sorry you are going through this heartache. I too have battled depression most of my life and something like this can sure bring on the cloud, but it's good to hear that you've kept it at bay for some time now.
I wish I could offer some sound advice, but all I can do is send a bit of support and care. My heart goes out to you, especially since you are not getting any answers from him and you don't know what's going on because he has shut himself off.
It sounds as tho you've done everything you possibly can and left the door open for him. If you feel strongly that he might be at risk for suicide ideation, I encourage you to visit the 'Survivor's of Suicide' Forum. There are some wonderful caring people over there who have been through this with loved ones and they can offer you some good feedback once they know this situation you are in.
Here is the link that will take you there:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/fo...sprune=-1&f=29

You obviously love this man dearly and I pray that he will open his heart and receive some help and also that you will find healing for this hurt you are suffering.

Caring,
Rae

[ruby1]

Thankyou Rae,
I have been trawling the web to get some sort of answer, and also to avoid constant need to try and communicate something that he's obviously unable to hear.
I have only one hope that somehow he hears me from wherever inside him he has gone.
I feel dreadful, but, the more I read the more hopeless I become about the whole thing.
I don't think suicide is where he is at, it appears from when I saw him the other day he is managing to function, and looks relatively well, more than I can say for me.
I want to be able to stop pushing at him, take that pressure away at least, but also selfishly I fear if I do that I am somehow telling him that I have accepted the situation.
I have quite an intense job, and although they have been understanding so far, I need to stop crying, and manage to complete a shift..
Anyway, enough rambling, I truly thank anyone for their thoughts or insight.

[Alffe]

Oh Ruby I agree with Rae, you obviously love this man. Pride can be an awful thing when someone feels "devalued". I think you have done all you can by offering your total support....I hope he can overcome this battle. We are all here for you.

[ger715]

Ruby,

Might be hard to accept; but maybe you have to love this man enough to let him go. Obviously, being together, for some reason has brought him to realize for his own sake and well being, he needs to let go of this relationship. This might be dragging him down and just recently has realized the relationship is not good for either of you. Please try to do your best in your job and also get together with some friends and let go of the tears and enjoy others. You will be okay....just give yourself a little time and him some space.

Gerry

[ruby1]

Thanks to all who replied,

I have made some big decisions in the last cple of days, none of them particularly easy.

Yes, I love him truly and deeply, I have to believe him in the things he's said about his motives. Lot of people/friends trying to get me to hate, or look deeper mainly I think for me to be able to move on. I'm the one who knows him best, and, I have to have faith in that.

I really have bn so, so hurt that I was in danger of becoming ill, or messing up my job, or worse.

I've stopped trying contact, yes I have to let him go, especially if it is depression, I can't be responsible for making it worse for him. (i'm also getting out seeing mates, keeping busy,making myself eat and exercise, believing in him and seeing a counsellor)

I mostly hope he gets better, and secretly but with little hope, that he might come back into my life one day. Not ready to give up completely yet. Perhaps this is the way that can happen, rather than him learning to hate me for hanging on.I so hope I'm right and that he doesn't think I've given up.

I miss him so much, and wish i could turn the clock back but I can't, so, I have to wish him well and love and hope he remembers me.

Thanks for helping me, it's hard as hell, but life is like that huh!!!!

Good luck everybody

[Subgirl]

Originally Posted by ruby1

Thanks to all who replied,

I have made some big decisions in the last cple of days, none of them particularly easy.

Yes, I love him truly and deeply, I have to believe him in the things he's said about his motives. Lot of people/friends trying to get me to hate, or look deeper mainly I think for me to be able to move on. I'm the one who knows him best, and, I have to have faith in that.

I really have bn so, so hurt that I was in danger of becoming ill, or messing up my job, or worse.

I've stopped trying contact, yes I have to let him go, especially if it is depression, I can't be responsible for making it worse for him. (i'm also getting out seeing mates, keeping busy,making myself eat and exercise, believing in him and seeing a counsellor)

I mostly hope he gets better, and secretly but with little hope, that he might come back into my life one day. Not ready to give up completely yet. Perhaps this is the way that can happen, rather than him learning to hate me for hanging on.I so hope I'm right and that he doesn't think I've given up.

I miss him so much, and wish i could turn the clock back but I can't, so, I have to wish him well and love and hope he remembers me.

Thanks for helping me, it's hard as hell, but life is like that huh!!!!

Good luck everybody

Hi Ruby1, I hope everything is going well with you, but you never mentioned where is he staying, or who is he staying with at this desperate time in his life. Hopefully he's with family. Can you post back and let us know? Take care.

[ruby1]

Originally Posted by Subgirl

Hi Ruby1, I hope everything is going well with you, but you never mentioned where is he staying, or who is he staying with at this desperate time in his life. Hopefully he's with family. Can you post back and let us know? Take care.

Hi Subgirl,

Well what can I say...It's a month today since he went.

Initially he was renting a place within the local area, on his own as far as I know. Although I knew where, I decided not to invade and just turn up - so he never knew that I knew anything other than the street, it's a very long street!

His brother (they've never bn close) made him meet with him about 5 days ago. He was quiet and really non responsive. He did say something about a possible lead or a job or something in a city about 300kms away..but would say no more, not even if he was coming back or anything.

I had been trying not to contact/text/email him but not very successfully I must admit. Not that he answered or responded to any of it. Anyway my resolve broke about 3 days ago and I drove round there very early in the morning to do I don't know what, but, as it was I never found out as the car was gone. Believe he has gone after this "opportunity" I rang him, got voicemail of course and, said: heard he was going, hoped that meant good news for him, apologised if he thought I'd reacted to all this badly (meaning calls/texts etc as have never said anything negative or derrogatory to him) and that I really hoped one day he would feel able to talk to me again.

Firstly I am desperate about how he is but I have resolved not to call or try anything for about a month??? Will he come back? think unlikely. Hoping so hard that things are going ok and he is looking after himself. Am hoping if I give him some space and time he may just may feel less invaded and talk to me. Hasn't given me much option to do anything else.

People around me understand NONE of this, and can't understand why I'm still a complete mess. Have to stop even trying to discuss with them as I just get peoples opinions that I should move on and that he is a #*#*#!!

I am beside myself with all this, trying so hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. Have only been in his country for 6 yrs, am from the UK. Can't sleep, eat or work, although at moment they are being really good, can't go on. Am thinking of just packing a bag and going back to the UK for a month - it's the only way I can see of distancing myself from any of this.

Please don't think i'm weak or a whiner,I'm an independant, mature and capable woman normally, but I am so, so worried about him and no-one can understand anything about it. I have rambled on because here is the only place I can. I HAVE to give him time and myself hope but it is becoming harder to feel that. Maybe he just stopped loving me? but overnight?

Sorry and thankyou, any points of view appreciated.

[ruby1]

Hi again,

Please tell me if I'm posting too much,

Contacted a friend of my partner? today, was very discreet and felt disloyal doing it but, I asked him not to mention it to him if they were in contact.

He said he had met up with my partner? about 2 wks ago, and although he mentioned that he had moved out of my place, he (the friend) didn't at the time sense anything out of the ordinary with him.

He did however mention that in the past my partner? had gone completely off the radar for about six months, and perhaps this was some sort of repeat of that..

Wish I'd never asked, serves me right for intruding. Now, I'm wondering if I've imagined the whole thing, or if its easy for my partner? to act ok in front of the friend...to put on a face?? Also what about the 6 months thing, although I sort of think I know where he was and what was happening in his life at that time (very stressful period again) We had in the past discussed this time, never was depression mentioned, however he doesn't think he is this time either...

Feeling very disloyal, and intrusive on top of all the rest now...@ least he "appears" to be ok??

[Addy]

Hi Ruby1 ... no, you are not posting too much.... there is no such thing as "posting too much"...

You are drawn back here for a reason... and from what I can tell, you are definitely insightful enough to recognize there are probably several reasons.

This thread is about you and the debilitating loss you are experiencing. Each time you come back, you read what you've written - like a journal! I can't tell you how much I've learned from writing here... or from writing with pen in a special book. (Give yourself a gift today - if you don't own a journal - go and buy one - and just start writing ...)

With regards to you last post: my feeling is that you were not intruding when contacting the friend for information. You deserve to know as much as you can in order to understand what has happened in your life.

Its very helpful to talk to people about your experiences as it often triggers them to open up about their own lives... to share, and say - "you're not alone". We all walk similar paths... and each, depending on our life's circumstances... branches out to amazing opportunities. Believe it or not, this loss is teaching you something... and, yes, its rocking your world.

If you have access to OWN tv or Oprah.com - I strongly urge you to watch her Lifeclass series.

I'll come back here when I have more time... I have one question for you. At any time during your relationship, did you have any "red flags"... and by that I mean, any times when you felt that something just wasn't right? Not sure I'm asking that right. We all have "gut feelings", intuitions... that something makes us feels us feel uncomfortable. Did you have any of those feelings?

Validate yourself dear one... "This, too, shall pass"

Addy