[SDFencer]

Hi everyone:

I’ve been away for ages but decided to write just because I needed to say stuff and they (they infamous they) say it’s good to write stuff down. Prepare for a tome. I’m just so sad. I realize I’m the only one this has happened to. (yes that was sarcasm) I guess the best way to detail this is in an ordered bullet point style. (you’re lucky I don’t attach a PowerPoint presentation.
1) I hate my stupid body. In the last 8 years I’ve had 2 brain surgeries for aneurysms, 3 strokes and 5 seizures. And then L3-4 fusion last November. (More on that later.) I cannot stand for a long period of time (a couple of minutes,) falling is my new hobby, walking is a job.

2) As a result of this health crap my company terminated my employment. I was General Counsel and Board Secretary. They made stuff up and just bald faced lied in depositions. I have not worked in 4 years.

3) They said to find an activity I liked, so I started able bodied fencing before this brain crap started. After I became a wheelchair fencer and was on the US Wheelchair fencing team. Fencing is not a cheap sport. I could easily spend $1,000 for a weekend tournament. (airfare, tournament registration, hotel, food) Forget international tournaments. The mandatory low seatback on the chair hit my surgical spot and it hurt a lot the day after. I was ranked #7 in the US when I retired. It was like the old joke, “Doc, it hurts when I do this.” “So don’t do it.” I’ve been an active person my entire life. I played Div I basketball in college.

4) I’m getting tired of my wife’s sniping at me. She is a saint for staying with me all this time. But I’m a victim of, “Well you’re upright and operating, you must be totally cured.” I wish she would at least try to understand it. I know she will never fully understand it the same as I can’t understand her stuff. She hasn’t touched me in 8 years even though the Doctor said it is OK.

5) I grew up on the north shore of Chicago ( Ferris Beuller, Home Alone were filmed in my neighborhoods.) I always wanted to live in a house like the one in which I grew up. Now we are retiring to a mobile home that we are blowing out to the walls and re-doing in a senior park.

6) My Dad would have been 90 tomorrow and even though it’s been 2 years since he passed I miss him so much. Both my Scottish Terriers are on a short leash. One has a carcinoma on her bladder and the other had a mass on his tongue that is metastasizing.

7) All I want to do is sleep so that’s what I do. It makes the day pass. I can sleep for 3 hours in the afternoon and still fall asleep in my chair.

8) Going out means to PT or a Doctor appointment. I’m getting to the point where I just don’t want to do anything. I’m not even taking a shower every day.

For whom am I trying to get all better? I’m just on the scratch and dent pile. OK, there, I wrote stuff down. Join my pity party. I wish I could rub some dirt on it and walk it off.

[Alffe]

You have many good reasons to be fricken sad dear man. I'm sorry...I know that doesn't change a thing but I am. Having a place to vent our feelings is a good thing!

[anon1028]

I understand you. since my head injury I've lost so much. my job, money, feels like my health is gone. pulsatile tinnitus so lou I can't think. severe tremors when I wake up.
I'm terribly frightened most of the time. I never used to be frightened.
the tremors and pain are affecting my heart. and the tremendous weight gain.
I am sorry you have been through so much.

[Pamissotired]

I'm sorry to hear. I'm wondering is physio helping? Does the dr have you on something to help your pain? Is it working? Could something be making you tired, like meds?
Would you be a candidate for counselling? Seems like if anyone ever needed it you do. You have been through enough for 5 people. I am currently battling my dr about needing counselling, I say it won't help she says it side effect free I don't have to drive far what do I have to lose. Well she's got me partially convinced. I still don't know how much good it would do but maybe trying something is important for sanity. Though it is pretty discouraging when things don't help.
Anyway not sure if you are still checking this but I am also just so sad and tired. All I want to do is hide in bed all day, maybe we could support each other?

Pam

[PamelaJune]

Only a breath away from tears, feeling so very low and just downright blue! Why, I have no idea, just woke up this way today after a very poor nights sleep. My 4 cats have come inside and all 4 are within a metre from me, like 4 diamond points in a square gazing at me, I'm sure they know something is wrong, they never ever sit just like this gazing at me in the same vicinity at the same time. My pain has begun again, just creeping back in on the left hip after a few days of relief from the procedure, bloody referred pain from my spine, I'm positive it's my spine working its magic to get the message through to my brain saying hey, did you forget me, did you think you could block me out, hah I've found a new neuron to get the message through since you blocked the last one! I hate my life

[Lara]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.
You have a lot on your plate right now.

[EnglishDave]

Pamela June,
So sorry to read your pain is creeping back already. Referred pain is so draining and difficult to understand. A compressed spinal cord sends pain down my right arm - my.only good limb - making it useless. It's like being stabbed right through the bone.
But we must not let our pain grind us down, you mention you have emotional support there in the form of your cats. Loving and stroking animals releases endorphins which do us more good than chemicals.
I can't tell you to cheer up, my own mood is regulated by Mirtazapine, but I will remind you that you are not alone and always have us to turn to.

[ger715]

Originally Posted by PamelaJune

Only a breath away from tears, feeling so very low and just downright blue! Why, I have no idea, just woke up this way today after a very poor nights sleep. My 4 cats have come inside and all 4 are within a metre from me, like 4 diamond points in a square gazing at me, I'm sure they know something is wrong, they never ever sit just like this gazing at me in the same vicinity at the same time. My pain has begun again, just creeping back in on the left hip after a few days of relief from the procedure, bloody referred pain from my spine, I'm positive it's my spine working its magic to get the message through to my brain saying hey, did you forget me, did you think you could block me out, hah I've found a new neuron to get the message through since you blocked the last one! I hate my life

So sorry to hear you are dealing with so much pain. I know many of these injections can several days to take effect. What does your doctor say??


Gerry

[PamelaJune]

The fact I had virtually zilch for 48 hours tells me it's possible if I can kill off the nerves, he however won't do rhyzotomies, he only does epidural nerve root sleeve which give me other problems such as lack of control over my bladder... Much to my embarrassment!! The thing is they worked and now it's wearing off quickly and truly I'm doing so little other than cough cough coughing! Dr said in operating theatre it will be at least a year if ever I can work again, uhm crap!

Originally Posted by ger715

So sorry to hear you are dealing with so much pain. I know many of these injections can several days to take effect. What does your doctor say??


Gerry

[EnglishDave]

Originally Posted by PamelaJune

he only does epidural nerve root sleeve which give me other problems such as lack of control over my bladder... Much to my embarrassment!!

Pamela June,
We have enough problems dealing with our conditions and the trials and daily pain they bring us without being embarrassed by incontinence caused by something that helps, no matter for how long.
To make you feel less embarrassed I would like to state here that I was made doubly incontinent by the radiotherapy that saved my life last year. I get by with fasting and taking Loperamide, regulating my fluid intake and wearing pads when I have to go out. There, you sre not alone.
Dave.