Hi Everybody.

I'm new here, but not really. I've been around the block for several years with therapy and medication for depression, PTSD and everything else that goes with it. The last couple of years have been hard, at the end of last year I was "downsized" out my job at the firm that I worked with for almost 20 years. The last year there was rough on me emotionally and the whole situation was handled very badly.

I don't really want to talk about that though. It devastated me in a lot of ways and I have spent the last year trying to get over that. It's wearing on me big time. I'm still not working and I have to fight for what I need. And what I need is coming so slowly and it's so discouraging. Part of me feels so bad that I haven't been able to get or even look for work in a whole year. It's hard to believe that I was a semi-professional woman. Now, I feel like a nobody. I'm tired of doing this all alone. I finally got a resume done, after how long? Living off my savings account... I've got some help now, but it feels like it is too late. They've finally accepted my ideas now, six months later. Now, my faltering self esteem is in the toilet.

I just don't care anymore and I can't pull myself out of it. Nothing seems worth doing. I feel kind of numb.

The changes are coming I suppose and maybe that is what is scaring me. I don't know. And I don't care.

And I feel really vulnerable for even posting this. So, if it gets deleted, you'll know why.

((((((Hope)))))),

I remember you !!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time I remember depression. Spent most of my life in and out of it. Matter of fact I just, two months ago, got out of a 6-month long bit of it.

I know what it's like to feel afloat and have no idea what you're gonna be doing and how you're gonna be taking care of yourself. And, I'll just bet that work was a very big part of your identity -- that's part of the reason why you're feeling half-flushed

Are you seeing a therapist?? Or, do you have a primary care physician that can prescribe meds for you?? A big part of depression is chemical imbalance. I'll be glad when they can figure out a BETTER and a FASTER way of resolving this. Right now, we have drugs and we should use them when we need to.

You know, Hope, I believe that The Universe guides our steps where we need to go next. If you spent the last year of that job in an emotionally rough, bad environment, you weren't paying attention to the subtle cues that The Universe was giving you. The Universe speaks softly to us, UNLESS we don't listen, then it whacks us upside the head. You're experiencing a major head whack right now. You spent a YEAR in an emotionally rough work environment Why??

You know, Hope, we're not meant to live in fear and in toxic relationships (whether work or home or family). We're not meant to be miserable and unhappy and depressed all the time.

The New Year -->> this a perfect time to redefine where you want to go and what you want to be doing with your life. I've been telling everybody about Mondo Beyond because it's such an simple concept, yet, it's so amazing.

You start the New Year by recognizing what you accomplished last year, by acknowledging what you regret about last year, AND you forgive yourself. Then comes the Mondo Beyondo part. Where do you want to go?? What do you want to be??

Read about it here:
Mondo Beyondo!!

Make sure to read the comments too. Also, follow through the years of her journal (the part above was written in late 2004, early 2005). Go through the years that follow that (especially the months of November, December, January) -- up to and including now.

You'll see. You don't have to start the year by forcing yourself into a place where YOU DO NOT BELONG. You want to start the year by recognizing what your SOUL is saying to you.

This is a perfect time for you to be doing this. You're gonna start a new year on a totally different -- totally better footing.

It's a whole attitude shift. A realization in your soul about what you are ENTITLED TO. And a determination in your heart that you're going to give yourself that life.

You don't need to be criticizing yourself for decisions that you made in the past. Those decisions were based on a whole different mind-set. They were based on an entirely different set of life experiences.

Now that you've experienced two years of a type of a life that you do not want -- it's time to shake off the dust, pick yourself up and grab life with both hands and turn it into WHAT YOU *DO* WANT.

Put on some happy music, grab a pen and a GORGEOUS journal and recognize and acknowledge last year and then close that year. On a new page, start the new year -- with joy in your heart and with optimism.

I've been looking on Etsy for a new journal. Haven't decided yet between:

#1
#2 or
#3

I think #3 has got my name on it But, I want to take one more look at what they have before I decide.

We've got a big blizzard coming tomorrow, so I probably won't be ordering my special book until Tuesday.

This is my first year of Mondo Beyondo. I quit working 6-1/2 years ago. Sort of a combination of I-had-no-other choice and my-back-gave-out. I've spent the last 6-1/2 years trying to figure what I'm going to do with my life and where I fit. My work WAS my life. I know -- I **BAD**. But, I didn't know any better. Now I **DO**. I've been wanting something that was going to help me to do that major attitude adjustment that I needed to do in order to live the next part of my life. I feel like Mondo Beyondo is the perfect tool for that

I want BETTER. I want EVERYTHING. I don't want to continue to live in ways that are going to keep sending me into downward spirals of depression.

Hope, I hope you take advantage of this opportunity that's presented to you by The Universe. It's not a horrible thing. It's a gift. A chance to start over. We all deserve more chances.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

My gosh why wouldn't you be depressed, Looking4Hope!? When your life takes a hugely dramatic change it's a rough and distressing situation, to say the least! I understand ya feelin vulnerable in posting this but that's what we're all here for, to give support & vent when we need to!
Change is tough enough without all the other things you're dealing with and it's easy to feel kinda paralyzed by it all at first and can cause your self esteem to plummet, which is why it's a good idea to talk to someone that can offer you some support & feedback and maybe a new perspective on things. Don't sit there all alone with it weighing on you. You're definitely NOT a nobody and your feelings matter! You might be surprised at how many others have faced the same type scenario. Some people use it as an opportunity to try another lifestyle or do some of the things they never had time for. Most of us here have had to leave our past lives behind because of our health but that does NOT by any means make any of us worthless or unworthy or mean our lives are over...it means we gotta get really creative & come up with a new lifestyle. I've been beaten down in the depths of despair & depression and I reckon most of us have, but recognising that you're feeling this bad tells ya it's a good idea to talk about it and maybe shed a new light on things. Talking is very cathartic and therapeutic and can get ya thru a lotta stuff. Sometimes just knowing ya have a shoulder to lean on can make all the difference! You're intelligent and have a lot to live for and ya just need to believe that! Things WILL get better and by talking things through, you'll be better able to move past the crushing blow you faced and build your self esteem...and go on toward brighter horizons. That place you worked messed up...they lost a loyal, talented, bright & steady person & it's THEIR loss! Let go of the whole thing and move on, cuz you already KNOW ya got what it takes to achieve whatever ya set your sights on, you gotta believe in YOU though! I can't say enough how really important it is for you to bust outta your self imposed exile and talk talk talk!!! It really helps!!! I will be praying for you & hope things turn around dramatically for you!!!!
Luv n hugs
Critter

Oh Barbara and CRITTER!!!

Thank you so very much... I'm reading your posts and the tears are coming down my face.

Barbara... I know I don't know you but I love you to pieces! I remember you very well. Remember my thread "Why try fighting dragons?" You and the INVISIBLE KID turned my life around. I'm not kidding. Remember how afraid I was to go to the hospital? I've been to the hospital many times since, in fact I've driven myself to ER without batting an eyelash! (That's a good news, bad news kind of situation thought, isn't it?)

I will take time to respond more tommorrow when I settle down.

CRITTER... I don't know you, but I feel that you know me. It really does help not to be alone. And I have to alone for too long...

It scares me.

Barbara, my work was life and my structure. For the most part, work was my family. I lost more than a job, I lost my family. My job is now obsolete and I worked in that field for all those years. I have to start over and reinvent myself, I guess. But I feel so old... I'm 54.

Oh well, I'm getting sidetracked, aren't I? That's the ADD in me, or maybe it's just old age.

Thank you both so very much!

I don't know about me.

Barbara, I read all about Mondo Beyondo last night and I was all psyched up! For the first time ever I came up with some really good intentions. I never in a million years would have been capable of doing that before. So, that is a good thing, now that I write about it. It took me a while but I fell asleep with a little smile upon my face. That's good too, I guess.

But now in the light of day, all good intentions are lost and the same feeling of hopelessness... Oh no, another day. I know that is a crappy attitude but is what I have been dealing with lately. That is why I am such a mess.

I should be happy. I am starting a couple of continuing ed classes tonight (in my supposed new field of interest) that the state is paying for, but I'm not. That's what is bothering me. I keep thinking I'm no good at it. I'm not talented. See, how I drag myself down like this? I get overwhelmed so easily and I guess I give up, thinking that it's not going to work. I don't want to be a defeatist. I want to change but somehow, I don't think I have it in me.

I'll try, I always do.

Hey, ((((((Hope))))))

It's take TIME to change our mind-sets and our lives. (Voice of experience talking here )

It's just like quitting cigarettes. I smoked from the time I was 12 until I was 44. When I was married, I tried 6 times and just could not do it. My husband was also a smoker -- Luck Strikes , two packs a day.

Finally, for me, something clicked. I found out I was paying more for my life insurance. That, plus the fact that I was in a brand-new apartment that I didn't want to smell like smoke and I had a brand-new car that I didn't want to smell like smoke, got the message through.

Mondo Beyond, it isn't just what she says in her blog, it's also the excitement and enthusiasm and IDEAS that are written in the comments. She started writing about this in 2004. And it's STILL a theme in her November/December/January writings in 2008. It's a process. It's POSSIBILITIES!! It's something different that has POTENTIAL to work when nothing else has worked.

Don't go all negative on yourself. It's taken us a lifetime to become the people that we are now. A lot of what we are we became as a protective shield due to events and experiences that happened to us. If my Brother had not committed suicide when he was 21 and I was 22, I would be a totally different person than I am now. I would have had the lifetime of support from someone that understood me. Because I've had to live a lifetime without that and had to learn totally new ways of coping -- some of the ways that I cope are just not right for me anymore ... so again, I've pull up my big girl panties and find another way -- a new way -- of coping.

We get so impatient for change ... or impatient to 'fix' things ... that we sometimes forget that learning and growing are both lifetimes processes. There is not a magical instant where you click your fingers and everything is different.

You see Hope, you had a glimpse of POSSIBILITIES and REAL HOPE last night, that means that what you read clicked with your heart and your soul. Now we both have to learn how to do this -- how to believe in possibilities, how to give ourselves the supportive, healthy, happy surroundings that will support those possibilities, and then how to make those possibilities become reality.

I had this teacher in high school. Huge woman. She always wore navy blue skirt with navy blue blouse or navy skirt with pink blouse. We used to call her 'Nikita' behind her back because she was so strict. She often said that she was worried about the kids that were going on to college, because the high school was a risk of losing it accreditation. She wanted us ALL to have the skills that we needed to cope with college and with life. She used to have us memorize stuff and then get in front of the class and recite it. I used to hate doing that because I was so shy; I hated being in front of the class like that.

I never saw the "human" side of this woman until she came to my Brother's funeral and cried.

But, I've spent my entire lifetime realizing what incredible gifts she gave all of us -- not just the college kids. She taught us all that we have do it over and over and over again until we learn it. We learn by practice. We learn by doing.

It's the same sort of sitch with the Mondo Beyondo theory ... the author and also the comments. Examples are given that are really-really helpful. I've spent a lifetime being very rigid and strict. I've only been coming out of my shell the past 10 or so years -- right about the age that you are now. I had a very strict, perfectionistic Father that loved me but didn't demonstrate love. My Brother's suicide totally kicked me to curb and destroyed me.

Because I hang around so much in the Child Neuro forums here and at BrainTalk, I believe in miracles. I believe in possibilities. I don't want any more depression and sadness and unhappiness in my life. I willing to put a TON of effort into making that change happen.

Even if it's like that movie, "Groundhog Day" ... and I have to keep doing the same lesson over-and-over again, I'm willing to.

We've got to have patience with our SELF. And be willing to stand by our SELF and guide our SELF on this new journey that we're embarking on.

I know **I** can do it. And I **BELIEVE** that you can too

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Hey Barbara!

They say people come in and out of our lives for a reason and I guess you are IT! After I posted this morning, I read this and all I can say is, "Is this meant for me or what?"

I'm tired of my story. It's time to let go of the past and release that mistakes and the sorrow that I have felt. Time to forgive myself and create new intentions for my life.

Time to exercise some different muscles!

Mondo Beyondo!


Hope