"Cog in the machine"


Probably the worst way of looking at life, but I dont know how people sometimes cannot feel this way. A lot of people would call me lazy, with a poor attitude and work ethic. I see it differently, obviously, I dont understand the point of it all. That is what gets to me the most, the grind of life, to share the same fate in the end as everyone else. I feel like a robot, except for the fact that I have more hope for myself in some kind of afterlife than I do in finding some kind of balance in todays world.

That is my biggest problem, I really cant imagine working the next 40+50 years of my life, probably at a job ill hate, to just pay bills and make the government happy. Possibly buy pretty little toys to bolster my image of self worth, but that is not me at all. I feel hollow and cold, and yet I dont feel bad about it, I feel like this should be normal.

Lately I've been having the strangest dreams, I would almost call them out of body experiences, or lucid dreams perhaps. They are so real to me, it's as if my dreams are becoming the reality I actually spend awake and alert in. This in part doesn't help me cope with all the confusion either, it actually makes me question death and suicide more.

I never was a religious guy, I almost wish I were at some point, I just have a hard time believing in a puppet master pulling all the strings. I would say I am spiritual, to some depth. I believe in... things I cannot even explain in words here, things I have learned from experience.

This is hard to talk about, there is a lot more id rather explain or say but I don't really know how. At this point in life, Death sounds more Exciting than life itself. I have great friends, great family, I know great people. But in the end we bleed the same red blood. I look at death kind of like one would look at reaching the stars, the sky, your imagination, the possibilities seem endless, exciting even.

My name is Ryan, and I am completely lost in this world. I've come here to talk, in hopes that talking makes things easier, something or someone to relate with.

I wouldn't think less of anyone who looks at this as pathetic.