Dear Phyllis

i'm so sorry you have landed in this difficult situation, and i truly hope that your friend gives you a second chance. i know your heart was in the right place.

did i understand correctly, that the person you confided in, about your friend, was in the same support group? so all people that know each other?

if so, one bit of "advice" i have, not so much for this situation, but for the future, should you find yourself having trouble dealing with emotions based on what a friend has confided in you, is that, if you, in turn, share what has been confided with someone else, you choose someone who is strictly outside the circle. if you don't have anyone "safe" like that, this might mean talking about it in your own therapy sessions. that is the safest place usually.

i understand his feelings about broken trust. he doesn't feel he has control over that information any more, and the fact that it was shared with another group member could mean that it will "spread" ... and i'm sure that is very upsetting to him.

so yes, i agree you do owe him an apology, because you broke a confidence. he may not be forthcoming about accepting it, or about trusting you in the immediate sense, but give him some time. things like this do not get fixed overnight, so, offer him your patience as well at this point. i know it is hard. even if he says he will never trust you again... i have learned that people sometimes say things like that out of hurt...he may feel that way now, but given time to heal he may come around nonetheless.

on a slightly different slant: your boundaries:

you got overwhelmed by his pain. you have your own fragilities, and need to take care of yourself first. imho, when someone is confiding/sharing too much pain with you, this is hurtful to you. not that they mean to hurt you. you must be the one to set the boundaries. you can do this in concrete ways, for instance if the person wants to talk on the phone, or have coffee, right at the outset, let them know you have only a half hour or an hour... so that the "session" doesn't get protracted into an emotional dumping that will take it out of you... and then perhaps be repeated a day or too later.

this is based on the oxygen mask principle. you know how in airplanes they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others. that is because if you don't, you could suffocate while struggling to assist someone else (like a child), and then you both die. once you keep yourself safe, you are in a position to help someone else, and in a position to try and try again if there are difficulties.

as far as the boundaries go, they are entirely your responsibility, and if your friend suggests he was wrong or tries to apologize for "dumping on you too much," my suggestion is to tell him that the main source of your pain was your sense of inability to help him. I would also tell him outright that it is your responsibility, and not his, to limit yourself if you start to feel overwhelmed, because only you can know what you can handle. i would not let him walk away with a sense of fault or guilt about overwhelming you - as it will cause him to distance himself, not only for lack of trust which is hopefully temporary, but for fear of hurting you which might be more permanent.

i hope some of this helps.

take care Phyllis. you have a big heart.
(maybe too big for your own good sometimes! ...meant in the best way!)

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Thank you for responding to Phyllis. You said so many good things in the way of advice. You have a way of putting words into such a helpful way to understand. I am sure phyllis will appreciate it very much. I sure wanted to try and help too. I care about her, and understand now just what has happened to her and this friendship as you have been reading. I am so glad that this site exists so that we can reach out to each other in the best way we know how. ginnie

Good morning Phyllis, I am continuing to pray for you. I will hope for that solution, where peace can be restored! ginnie

I broke down and got Arthur a Christmas gift!
See, Arthur's an incredible artist/ painter!! .
Anyhow, the other day, I came across a beautiful artist's acrylic
painting set!! Well! I probably don't have to tell you the rest!
But, it had his name written all over it! I couldn't help, myself!!
I couldn't let it just, sit there!
I'm hoping and praying, it'll do *something*, for the anger/ hatred,
he has for me, right, now! Stupid move?????? Please, be
honest!!

Phyllis

Hi Ponygirl,

Your friend sounds like he has that very typical male trait (like me) that makes him not want to open up to anybody. We don't like people to know our problems so we only open up to one or two people that are very important to us. So you are obviously very important to him, and he probobly still wants to be able to talk to you, because people like you are IMPOSSIBLE to replace. So I think it's just a matter of time before he forgives you (if he hasn't already), and even starts to confide in you again. Maybe he might even be a little jealous that you talked to someone else about your problems instead of him? He may need to know that he's really important to you, and I think your gift to him should help a lot. (It would for me anyway)

As much as we like to pretend otherwise, men are very simple creatures. We are very proud and very private, and it's hard for us to trust other people because it makes us feel vulnurable.

No! Actually, my friend was *very* open and pleading with me to give him answers for what he was going through! That's what made it so hard for me. Because, he did, let me know that he was hurting so much! So, I felt very helpless in, helping, him. He *was* telling me how much he was hurting, but, I couldn't help him. That's what I shared with some mutual friends. I spoke with some mutual friends, because, I needed some suggestions about, how to help him. This isn't about jealousy. It's about him being upset, because, he found out that I went to some mutual friends, about, him.

Phyllis

Yes, our mutual friends are from the groups, Arthur and I, both,
attend. You're right about the fact that I shouldn't share things about
him with others in our .groups. And normally, I'd never do that! Thing is, I was so upset about not being able to help him, that, I guess, a couple of our friends could tell that something was wrong with me. So, they asked if I was okay. Anyhow, I told them the truth and told them that I was upset because I really wanted to help our mutual friend, but, didn't know how. That's the reason, Arthur got upset. Because, I went to someone else about him. But, he doesn't understand, I went to others, because, I *want* to help him, so, I was trying to get some suggestions from some friends who, know both of us. He doesn't understand, I did this, because, I *do*, care so much about him!



Phyllis

I was trying to say that you are the one he wants to share with, and he doesn't want anyone else to know that he has these problems. You are the special one that he wants to talk to, and he wants to keep his feelings secret from your mutual friends.

And the other thing I mentioned about jealousy, I meant maybe he wanted you to tell him when you were feeling upset. Let him know that you want to help him but that you don't know how. Confide your feelings in him the same way he confides in you, instead of talking to a mutual friend about them.

I've been trying, *forever*, to get Arthur to "friend", me, on
FaceBook! Well, finally, he did it!!! *But*, I did, get a message
from him, saying, he hasn't wanted to "friend" me, because, *he*, feels,
*I'm*, too "clingy"!?! This is insane!! I mean, *he*, was the one,
who,would *constantly*, be on-line, looking for* me*, because, he was
going through a horrendous time!?!? He, was the one, who was
clingy, but, I *wanted* to be there for him, so, I never saw it, that, way!
Anyhow, yes, since, that time, I have, been around him more and trying
to spend more time with him, in case, he does, need me!
I mean, he seems to be playing this game of "Come close/ get
away!" Which, do I listen, to?!?

Phyllis

Hmmm... it does seem odd that he would freak out about you talking to other people and then claim that you're the clingy one. I'm afraid that he's the only one who can tell you what he really wants. I don't know how to explain the mixed signals he seems to be sending you. You mentioned that he suffered from a few emotional/mental issues, is it possible that he's bi-polar or has some other mood-altering condition? (besides depression)

Phyllis, I have been reading the previous posts. I can't help wondering about these mutual friends telling him what you said. It sounds like you trusted them and they went and told your friend. Not too nice on their part; as it appears they broke the confidence you placed in them. Not a good situation all the way around.

Difficult as it may be, just give him a smile when you see him. He will know you are open and still care about him. Maybe the Facebook may not be good for discussions with him. Just, if possible, let him make the move and hope for an eventual smile back to you.

I wish I could say something that would help you with this dilema. Good for you to vent, we care about you.