Hi,

All I takes is a good long look at myself through the eyes of others to gain some perspective and see how my life has been lived out for me. Always reacting to stimuli, feeling shunned by family, inability to connect to others, preferring to be left alone like a feral cat whose been abused by too many people for too long.

My life is entirely unmanageable. It has been overwhelming for me since birth. I was made into the scapegoat and then the black sheep. Not before indoctrinating me into believing I didn't deserve love or anything of worth. And that's exactly the pattern I've followed.

I live in a hovel. I now live with 2 cats and strays who come to be fed. It's a natural gravitation for me to go towards those who will accept me for who I am, and that cats have always done. My clothes are now rags because I live on disability and all my food goes to rent, food and bills. The walls are cracked and there is a SOUR smell in this apartment that I don't know where it's coming from - the walls maybe. And to top it all my mother has dementia and is in a nursing home 2 hours away, I have zero support for any one aspect of my life. I feel alone, crazy, batty and an absolute misfit in this world.

I want to change it. I want to. I just can't find the way. I'm so tired.

MissBliss

Hello on this Thanksgiving. Often when our circumstances get overwhelming we feel as you do too. I know disability doesn't pay much, as I walk in your same shoes. I am loosing my home that two generations worked for. Don't know what to do yet. However, I still pray every day for direction. That all of us are granted mercy to find our way. I find myself back on Neuro Talk, where friends can and do understand. Here you are not alone. You will find friendship, and maybe a few ideas to help you too.
As far as your home goes. don't panic about all that you think you need to do. Take the chores, to put your place in order, a baby step at a time. I clean one cabnet, move on to something else as I can. I am preparing this home to sell. ( it doesn't belong to me but to my family) I am doing just a little at a time. Any sour smell there is can be corrected if you start out with just a little bit. Even people in severe poverty can be sparkling clean. It would make you feel better.
Have you checked into Gov. subsidised housing? That may be a place to try to get into a better place to where you have some measure of peace in your life. As far as your cats go, sometimes they are better company that many people. Try to Pray, read if you can. It helps. Don't give up, but make a plan, make a list of all the changes you want to make. Make a list of the good things that are in your life. You found us didn't you? Your community may be able to help too. There are womens resourse centers in almost every city. Call them and see if there is help. You won't know there is, until you try. I will be here for you anytime you need to talk. Give thanks this day, for the breath you take, for your pets, for a warm shower, anything that you find valuable. It doesn't have to do with material possessions at all. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Miss Bliss, and I will send an angel your way, to help guide you. Move forward one step at a time. Begin at home, one small spot at a time. Ask a church for help too. sometimes there are members willing to come to your home to help you. Come back here anytime you can. ginnie

Thank you Ginnie.

I am overwhelmed and running on empty.

I will heed your advice. Print it out so I'll have it in front of me.

That angel couldn't come round these parts a moment too soon....

Your words warmed my heart.

Miss Bliss

Your post sparked a chord in me and I'm glad you came here to share. This is a wonderful, safe place to be for support and understanding. Ginnie said it very well. She is a beautiful soul.

Sometimes our self-worth gets misplaced somewhere along the way. Take a moment to see yourself with the qualities you've been given. Bring them to the surface once again and let yourself be renewed by the fact that you are WORTHY of respect. You are not a misfit. Like Ginnie said, take a small step in any direction. Do something to brighten up a room in your home, perhaps a new coat of paint, some fresh flowers. Light a candle to permeate the room with a fresh scent. If you have carpet, try sprinkling it with a freshener, or baking soda.
Some thrift shops carry some pretty nice clothing at low prices. Find an outfit that makes you feel good.....and most importantly of all......please try to put the past behind you - those things that have placed 'labels' on you - let them go. This isn't who you are anymore. If the weather is nice, get out in the sunshine, go for a walk. Make it a point to smile at someone.

You've got beauty within. Let it shine.
Make a note to yourself and put it on your bathroom mirror, or wherever you are sure to see it everyday. "I am a beautiful person. I have worth, and today will be MY day to let it shine."

Set yourself free.
You have so much you can be.

Caring,
Rae

Hi this cold morning in Fla. Yes it gets cold here too! I wanted you to know I am still thinking about you. I am not a one time poster. How did you sleep last night?
I noticed in your reply you were running on empty. Well that is the perfect time to fill up with something else, hopefully good stuff. Where in this big old world are you? Tell me anything you care to. I sure will listen. I still have eating left over pie, which that scale in my bath is sure going to notice. I have a doctors appt. and she won't let me off the hook this time by not getting on the scale.
Hope you have a good day today. I was up late last night reading. Couldn't put the book down. talk to you soon. ginnie

Hi MissBliss ~ I just read this post for the first time, and my heart goes out to you my friend. Ginnie gave you some EXCELLENT advice! Little by little you can make your place a little better. Like she said, taking a small cupboard or area and cleaning that, and then resting until you're able to do a little more will surely make things a little more pleasant to the nose.

And I'm sure there must be subsidized housing there. I doubt you would have to pay much per month - and you'd have a NICE home!! PLEASE apply as soon as you can. I know that you would qualify. I SO want to see you in a decent place, where you'll be warm and comfortable.

Please keep posting so we know how you are, okay? I'm going to keep track of you too -- I want to make sure you're alright. God bless you MissBliss and prayers are coming your way. BIG hugs, Lee