Okay, I'm having one of those "oh my god" moments...like oh my god I can't believe I have MS. It has been 9 months since the phone call that made me faint and 6 months since the Mayo Clinic doctor's swiss cheese comment. Why do I feel like I was just told yesterday?? All the worst is going through my mind again--I'll wind up not being able to walk, I'll wind up confined to my bed, I'll always have to take medications that make me feel like crap, my husband won't be able to deal with this forever and worst of all I'll have to quit my job--a job that took 8 years of graduate school to land because that's just how long it takes to do what I do. I worked so hard to get where I am in life and now I feel like I was just "punished" (??--no maybe that's not the right word) or was just handed the absolute most horrible news I can think of. I mean, only 400,000 people have MS in the good 'ole USA. That's not a lot. Does anyone ever feel like they have crappy luck? Now, granted "at least I don't have a brain tumor" which is what my husband and I say (joke) when we are stressed. But clearly I am having issues with the uncertainty question. I guess that never goes away and you just have to adjust to it?? Please tell me this will get at least a little better in terms of coming to terms with an MS diagnosis. I need some hope.

It's called a pity party, not a panic relapse....

This is the evening - so give yourself til bedtime and promise yourself in the morning you will be fine!

We all have to grieve. OMGosh, if we didn't I don't think we'd be normal at all.

No one knows the future. This is where your faith in a higher being helps. Talking to friends. Listening to THEIR problems. Helping others.

Tonight. Have a pity party. Cry. Be scared. Take a bath. Wallow in it. But tomorrow is a new day. And with that you will begin anew.

Meanwhile, you keep coming back here!

And can I just say that I am feeling MASSIVELY GUILTY for thinking about calling in sick tomorrow? I just feel like complete crap physically (not to mention mentally). I teach college students, the semester is almost over and the final coming up, and I feel like I "owe them something." I've already had to cancel classes a couple of times. I think I am just beating myself up because I am not functioning 100%.

A pity party? Oh, that's what this is?????
I looked up the definition of pity party online from the "Urban Dictionary." Maybe I will go buy some ice cream.

PITY PARTY

A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is.
Pity parties can be just for one or for many people, such as maybe your friends and close people, who will try to comfort you or just be there for you while you keep asking yourself what did you do to deserve whatever it is that made you so sad in the first place.
Pity Parties require the proper outfit, which is usually pajamas cause you dont get all dressed up during those feeling-sorry-for-myself moments. Also you should have no make up on or just the one from the night before; hair undone as well.
It also involves tissues, comfort food such as ice cream; chocolate; potato chips; cookies; cake; and candy. Low fat food is banned.
Alcohol might or might not be allowed (if alcohol makes you go wild, no alcohol should be brought to the pity party in that case since the point is not exactly to have fun). The purpose of a Pity Party is to dumpt the pity
Music is also very important at pity parties, including songs like "One is the Loneliest Number", "All by Myself" and any other song that makes you feel like throwing yourself from the nearest cliff.
Pity parties usually end after you are done whining or if someone breaks it up. This will usually be a cynical loved one who will not let you drown in self pity and will take you either to have the best time ever, drinking and partying or will just make you crawl out of bed by making you see how pathetic you look and how you should cut the whining and just do something to make things better.

Natalie,

First of all, you do not have to worry about cancelling class. Just tell the students that you have arranged the class as a time during which the students can study. Let them teach themselves. It is very effective.


Now, dealing with the fact that you have MS is a personal thing. We all do it in different ways. Yes, it does have an impact on our lives, but basically it is just something that we have to accept. It is a fact. It is like accepting the fact that gravity exists. It just IS.


One of the worse things that MS does is not related to the loss of nerve function, but rather the fear of the unknown that it causes.


You have to accept the fact that you cannot predict the future, but you have to be wise enough to prepare for anything. It is like buying your own insurance policy against insanity. If you list your fears and how you can actually deal with them in a producive manner, then you will be in good shape.


For me, one of my fears was the total loss of mobility. I wrote that down. I then decided to purchase a scooter, even though it was not needed. It was my insurance policy. The loss of mobility is less of a concern now.


I was also worried that my business would flounder since it requires a bunch of field work and hours of reprt writing. I wrote that down too. I then created a list of consulting biologists who could assist me. The fear of my business floundering is less of a concern now.


These tiny steps can help you rid yourself of the fear of the unknown that is common with MS.


For every fear, there is a productive solution.


Since you are an instructor, and you are surrounded by starving college kids, you have a hug pool of assistants just sitting right in front of you. If you are willing to part with a few bucks every week to pay an assistant, then the fatigue of teaching will be less of a concern.


I know you can do this. It is easier than writing a Dissertation, and you did that.

-Vic

Vic and Bird are right - faith helps - this forum helps and you can find the strength to deal with whatever the future holds - you're on the right path - you're not in limbo -

I hear you, Natalie. Ranting and raving about the injustice of it all is a God given right of all people with chronic illness, and right here is the best place to do it. We Understand and we listen. You may have to listen to one of my pity parties, one day.

Vic is very wise, for a young whippersnapper, isn't he? He pretty much has the bull by the horns. Rant & rave for all the time you find necessary and then do what he suggests, when you can and soon you'll have a handle on things too.

To all who responded so far -- thank you for the supportive words. I can't tell you HOW much better it made me feel. It boosted my spirits. Yes Sally, Vic is quite a wise one. The community on this online forum is a remarkable group.

Vic, I canceled the class and don't feel that guilty. And if this is easier than writing a dissertation I'm thinking I can do this. Boy, that was hell! If I had to do it over again I'm not sure I would or could. I have your words to go back to when I hit the dumps again.

Bird I ate some chocolate icecream I found shoved in the far back of my freezer (forgot I had it) as part of my pity party and I'm feeling calmer. Maybe the chocolate endorphins have kicked in. Maybe it will get rid of the nasty copaxone welt from this morning--yikes, worst one yet.

There's not a lot I can add that the others already haven't Natalie, so I'll just add my own personal touch.....

Everything is just so foreign right now. Eventually though, you will recognize some patterns, giving you some sense of control.

I have recovered enough times that it seems I wouldn't even bother worrying when I go through a difficult time. Things can be frightening though, so we may loop back through the grieving process occasionally. This is actually very common.

Give yourself permission to slack off and/or feel sad sometimes . . . you'll move on when you are ready. Acknowledging your feelings is a great start to healing.

Cherie