oh shoot!!!!!!! I wrote out this really long response and I accidentally deleted it. I hate it when I do that! So these will be short comments.

Beauty I hear you on the "why do *I* have to get this disease?" I joke that this is the worst thing for me given my difficulties with uncertainty in life, which has been a major theme for years. I've managed to weather the storm of my father's schizophrenia, his suicide when I was 17, abuse when I was a kid and all sorts of other traumatic stuff. But sometimes this just seems a little too much on top of everything else...just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe this is the lesson I need to learn in life-- to try to live day by day--just be in the moment. To let go of the need to control. Vic had good advice last night: "MS has to be like accepting the fact that gravity exists. It just IS." I also like what Cindy has to say "ALL OF LIFE is a crapshoot, ours just has a name!" The key is for each of us personally to figure out what our own strategy is for learning to be comfortable with the crapshoot.

Like Keri, though, I'm not one for faith either. But I do feel strongly about the notion of "mindfulness." My goal is to learn how to sit with the uncertainty and fear of of the MS, watching it but not feeding it. By just being with the feelings or accepting that they just ARE I can release myself of the anxieties. It's a day to day process.

Cherie

Ah - you get it!! NO hijack... Besides, I don't mind hijacks!!

My faith... In God has always been ok, it is my faith in general. It is hard for me to have faith in anyone - I guess it boils down more to trust than to faith!!

Thanks for your story! Glad to see I am not the only one who feels this way with some of these struggles.

Sorry about the PTSD issues. I guess my life, in general has been pretty calm, which is why this is a bigger deal to me than others I suppose!! When you deal with other things, this seems minute in comparison!! Glad you have found your nitch to helping you feel better!

I have always been a commital person. If I commit, I follow through, no matter what it cost me. In my job as an addiction nurse, I am on call, literally, 24 hours a day 7 days a week to my patients. If I am not there, it can cause their world to spiral out of control, because in their world they don't usually have anyone they can count on.

For true friends, I have always gone above and beyond the call of duty. In my one friendship of 8 years, there has literally been one time I was not there when I said I would be, but, really and truley it was my husbands fault I could not follow through because he was called into work at the last minute. I pride myself on my follow through. Now, there may be caveats along the way. Yes, I can make this adjustment, I have to. Now, I have to learn to put myself first, which is something I have never really done. Yes, not a good way to live, but has always been my way.

I'll keep the faith, and I am glad to know that my crapshoot has a name, and that I can adjust my life accordingly. I would prefer that than to not know what is going on and having all these things happening, and not know how to plan.

Most of my post was tongue in cheek. I just found humor in the fact that of everything that could happen, the one chosen is one that forces me to face all the (small insignificant) things that I hate

Ack, I hate when that happens also!! Sorry for all you have gone through. As I said in another post, I have had a pretty calm life. I guess that has given me the ability to have the personality I have, which is rely on my self, and allow others to do so, cause I can't rely on others... I know, that sounds off the wall. I don't know where my distrust in the human race came from... I am one of those who waits for the other shoe to drop also, and like you said - by living in the now (which is what I am learning to do) I find I don't care if the other shoe drops, cause I am finding out I am strong enough to pick it up, pair them off, and put them (the shoes) back on! I am sure you are just as strong!

I think each of us have had to find new coping mechanisms to manage this disease.

I come from the opposite situation as you in that I had a difficult childhood, and spent most of my young adult years trying to figure out how to "control" my life so that I didn't have to live in chaos any more . . . you know, the ultimate perfectionist.

My big challenge when the MS came on was realizing I can't control everything. That forced me re-evaluate everything that I thought was important to me, then try to incorporate these new revelations into my life.

It's never easy, no matter what our history.

Cherie

Yes, I am definitely strong given all the stuff I've made it through. I just thought the universe finally owed me a break!! I mean really......ya know? Like I said in another post this was rough for me because 1) it came out of nowhere and was a shocking surprise 2) I had only been married 3 months--nice wedding present, huh? 3) my career is taking off finally after years of hard work 4) and I was about to turn 40. Anyhow, all the stuff I have survived has always made me tough and I've had to rely on myself. But you are right that with the MS we will have to allow ourselves to ask for help if we need it.

Poor planning, unplanned things.
- In a lot of ways, living with my wife has been good training for this. She's one of those people who never plans for the weekend till Friday. That used to drive me nuts, but now that I have MS and we've started foster care for sick kids...Friday often seems to early to get a real picture of what the weekend will be like.

Not being in control, having to rely on others.
- I hate hate hate this.

Trust
- At this point I don't really remember what trust feels like. It wasn't always so, but now it's just kind of like I've learned contingency planning for when I'm let down.

Faith & Hope
-These used to be my strong suit...now it all depends on the day. I have to say that looking at my daughters huge smile and listening to her 2 year old giggle...there's certainly enough beauty in this world to give me a little boost in my spirits.

MRIs
-Can't help it, I like em. I fell asleep on Tues in my last one with a brief moment of waking for the contrast. The time before, the mirror was set up so I could see a clock. I amuzed myself by trying to close my eyes for exactly a min. The closest I came was 58 seconds. It's harder than you would think. I had more success going for 30 seconds where I was able to get with in one second a few times...In any event, any games to keep the mind occuppied while you have to sit there. I kind of view it like time I spend mowing the lawn. It's time where I can shut down the mind, and I'm almost guaranteed to meet expectations. Those times where I'm almost certain to meet expectations are times I treasure.

We had a mens' with MS meeting a while ago in MD, and one of the things I took away from the group was "you own this disease when you can make fun of it." Seriously, MS is one of those diseases that frequently makes us act in ways mideval court jesters would be proud of. The only advice I have from my 18 months with MS is "own it to the extent you can." It sounds like you've already got a pretty good sense of humor about it.

We are most definitely on the same page with all this. We follow-through types have the inner resources and raw determination to stick with something until it's finished to our satisfaction (as if that's possible). We have to draw on that inner strength more often and with more ferocity than ever before when we factor in the MS. And, we just do it.