Hey, uh.. all you possibly-hundreds out there.

I'm Ash. I'm here because a friend suggested a support group of sorts because of the meltdowns and anxiety I keep experiencing that my doctor will do nothing about.

I've had recurring depression for 6 years that always comes back worse than before. Many deliberate suicide attempts that somehow failed. I was on three different ADs, they all fried my brain and my thinking and worsened the situation, so I quit taking them. The last one did relieve my severe low, but I fear it is coming back. That's why I'm here. I keep experiencing these.. "dark episodes" of intense crying and trembling and the need to be held but there's no one around so.. I deal with it on my own at night in my room. It usually leads to a panic attack. I don't know why it's happening.

I also have panic/anxiety disorder, which is getting worse, and I find myself constantly terrified of every possible health problem I may have, begging to be taken to hospitals and doctors for tests; I never used to be like this at all. Then there's BPD, and DP/DR (depersonalization/derealization). I've also had a lot of identity problems in the past few years, and have gone from transgender to questioning, back to transgender, then to agender, and back to transgender and it keeps changing. I've changed my name probably 7 times now.

Finally, I've started to suspect schizophrenia. Not only because of the new symptoms I've been dealing with, but because I recently found out my dad has been diagnosed with it and is on medication for his outbreaks of anger.

Less about health, more about me. I'm a HS drop-out, but I have taken courses in university and have passed. I'm really into music and play a lot of instruments, sing.. not so into art anymore because of self-hatred and frustration, but I still draw sometimes. I don't write as often anymore and am solely writing fanfiction these days, lol. Because I'm not in school or college and I've been unable to (1) get myself to go out and get a job and (2) find something that wouldn't drive my anxiety through the roof, and because of a lack of friends and interest in spending any time with family anymore, I spend a looottttt of time in my room on Tumblr or listening to music. My life has amounted to nothing but I have no current options to change it.

So there's that. I'm distant, keep almost everything to myself, struggling with an ED, deal with occasional violent rages, incredibly strange, geeky, funny (I always to make others laugh), thoughtful.. I dunno, I see a lot of flaws with myself so I don't really focus on the good.

:1 Sorry this is so long.

-Ash

Hi there Ash

I just wanted to also let you know about our other community, the forums at Psych Central, where I think you may just find more support and info for what you are going through.
Here is the link (you need to register again but can use the same info as you did here)
http://forums.psychcentral.com/index.php

Hello Ash,
Welcome to the forums.
There are so many forums here you may find help on.

I have been around here for many years and always found it to be a very helpful and welcoming place but my issues have been chronic pain, neuropathy, etc.

These forums are very well moderated, which I believe is a huge reason for its success. The moderators put a lot of time and effort into being helpful, keeping people on track and civil.

Also take a look at forums like social chat, creative corner, jokes, etc.
A great distraction from the our daily issues.
See you around the forums,
Diandra

Hello ash and welcome to our corner of the world I'm sure that you will be able to find a lot of help here there are a lot of us that have a lot of the same problems that you do and are really happy to help in any way

Hello and welcome, happy to see you have come to be with us, it a great place to be. We have a great number and caring fellow members here, where you have find a supportive and relaxing place. Have fun looking into the different forums. Our shoulders are here for support in many ways.

Please keep us up to date on your condition. Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Darlene