As the title says, was a very difficult day, I ended up having to come home from work.

I have been really pushing myself hard in the last few weeks since the school year started, September is always a hectic month for teachers. Last night I got a call from my realtor that I should drop the list price on my condo, moving out of a place was very difficult for me, since I really liked the place, but it was on the third floor with stairs and I cant do stairs very well any more. So I have put it on the market and am living in a ground floor apartment, trying to stretch my paycheck to pay rent on the new place and mortgage on the old place, hoping it sells soon. Prices have dropped so much that I dont know if I will break even selling it even though I have owned it for nine years. Alot of stress to deal with.

Last year I had the blessing of having a roommate (who recently got married), every morning he had my medicine set out and breakfast made before I got up, and would help me get my stuff down the stairs to my truck and also helped me with the cooking and cleaning. Adjusting back to living alone has been difficult. My schedule also changed this year requiring me to be at work earlier than last year and getting going in the morning takes more time, but I have less to work with, what with medicine, getting my leg braces on, getting dressed etc.

I have finally gotten pain med dosages to a level that makes pain tolerable, unfortunately the 4800mg/day of Gabapentin has left me with an incontinent bowel, at least I hope its the medince and not my neuropathy. Needless to say, I have missed days because I cant get far away from the toilet and other days I am wearing a diaper hoping I dont have an accident at work. This has been pschologically devastating, but I am scared of making adjustments to pain meds and with my budget tight, I dont feel like I can afford more tests, doc visits, and more drugs.

Family support has been absent in the last couple years, everybody has family issues, mine seem to be boiling over the last couple years. I get stressed and worried about this all the time.

The one saving grace for me has been swimming, and I do this every night as it helps me with anxiety, with weight, with blood sugar control and I keep hoping I will get my legs strong enough to get out of my wheel chair at work.

Long story short, It was too much to handle today and I had an emotional breakdown, spent the better part of the mornnig in the health room lieing down while people scrambled to cover my classes. Making me feel unprofessional and incompetent. - Even though I am up till midnight grading papers most nights including last night.

My pride is bruised, I need to get in to see the doctor about my emotional health and the side effects from the Gabapentin, I am dropping the price on my condo, and they have arranged for a long term sub to cover my first period class, both a blessing and a curse since it will use up more of my sick days that I will probably need in the future.

Balancing all the stress, managing this disease, a full time job, making ends meet and finding time to just breath seems impossible lately but I dont see any solutions to the problems, accepting so much change in a short period of time has been rough.

What I need is a job situation that allows me to get up a little later so I can make it to the pool to swim at night, I need my condo to sell, even if I dont make money on it so I can stop dipping into my savings to make it to the end of the month, I need a solution to the incontinence issue, a place with 2 bedrooms on a ground floor where I can have a roommate, so If anybody has a magic wand, wave it my way, otherwise, thanks for taking the time to read, its been a rotten day and I just need to vent a bid. I feel like neuropathy has robbed me of the joy in my life and left me in a no win situation. It can be hard to see past the end of my nose and have hopes for the future when living day to day is such a struggle.

I am so sorry you have so much on your plate! I don't think I could do all that! You are one strong guy.

But I would definitely go the doctor and be adamant in changing the Neurontin! Fecal incontinence should not be endured by anyone IMO, when it can be avoided.

Also, it is possible that the Neurontin is causing your emotional stress...it is well known increase depression and suicidal feelings.
So it could be doing some of this hopelessness you are experiencing.

At that really high dose you are on, you will have to taper off carefully too.

The best thing I ever did was get off the Neurontin. Neurontin made my problems go from bad to 3x worse in a short amount of time. I had the suicidal bout as well. Alot of it had to do with the fact that it took facing alot of nasty egos to get the neuropathy diagnosis and then realizing that the only releif was this drug or its competitor. It was the worsening of my GERD, intense sensory deprivation and detachment that made me drop it. The crazy thing is that I looked at alot of these people on the forums and they only get worse on these medications. If you are in agonizing pain there is no doubt that something is needed to quell that pain. The most agonizing of mine came when I was on the drugs as I was haphazardly doing things that were triggering my symptoms and was constantly burning.

When you can't feel, you can't get better I found. That being said the anxiety that goes along with this disorder needs to be dealt with. I have experimented over the last 2 years with a regimen that works for neuropathy. The amino acid Taurine could help you step down off the Neurontin safely and take long term if it suits you. Initially, I used an herb called Bacopa and then added Gotu Kola to step down and stayed on those for about a year. Both of these work like Neurontin but also have antioxidant power, and stimulate acetylcholine(memory and nerves) among other things. Then I found Taurine, and realized it didn't snow out too much feeling and at the same time kept me on an even keel. This is the key. We need to be able to feel as much as possible to mind our triggers(to not burn) and get better while at the same time dealing the the stress that this disease throws our way. I think the stabilizing of my condition and pushing back some came when I added Pomegranate Extract. It stimulates nitric oxide, increases circulation, crushes arthritis, affords antidepressant qaulities while keeping the mind sharp(dopamine), and balances hormones. I found it helped my symptoms immensely. Other have found Grape Seed Extract and Resveratrol(in small doses) beneficial for pain

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, earlier on in the Academic year I read your post and thought you were one of the bravest people I know. Why dont you read through your old posts and remember how it was then, this is only a blip and you will come back up again. I know this has helped me during my low times.
Make a list of all that is going wrong and concentrate on the fixable ones,such as your meds, others hopefully will take care of themselves.
You have so much to offer pupils keep battling on, best of luck.

Hugs to you. You are a brave, amazing person.

Dear kreink -

I at the very least second some of the other replies - you are one of the bravest people I know of, without a doubt.

There are those who swear by gabapentin (neurontin), but I do not. Cannot even imagine being on a dose as high as yours. Have you considered or are you doing supplements as recommended in the stickies? Also Mr. Robot who has answered this post suggests some others such as pomegranate. MrsD has just recommended grapeseed extract to me.

You don't mention the types of tests you need, but if your insurance covers them given your condition, you might want to insist the doc(s) order them.

Don't know how much you would be awarded if you applied for SSI and won, but might that be an option? Your situation definitely seems worthy of receiving it. Then you wouldn't have to worry about having to work full time.

Best wishes,

Sheltiemom

I very much agree with the other members in saying how brave and strong you are... I am also one that simply cannot take gabapentin. I take other things to make my pain "manageable" and then, sometimes, it is still not "manageable". And yes, there are side effects.

I do understand how difficult it can be in managing on a day-to-day basis - probably most of us here have great difficulty. I gracefully 'retired' from my career of 25 years. I was a VP of a small company and had worked very hard to get there... long hours, night school and plenty of stress.

Fortunately, I did get SSD after one denial. Perhaps you could apply and if it turns out you do not require it, well nothing lost.

It is depressing. I personally would love to work but for now, I am unable, and only time will tell.

I wish you all the best...

Mere

Woops - meant SSD - not SSI.

Sheltiemom

thanks for the encouragement and advice, it really helps to talk to people, my family is not the greatest support group at the moment since there is alot of drama going on there.

In the short term, the school district is getting a morning sub for me for the coming week and I have an appointment with my doc to talk about the bouts of incontinence and see what can be done.

I am really working hard to get back to walking or at least not become totally non-ambulatory. The difficulty right now is the only times I can swim are 8pm or later but I have to get up at 5pm to get ready. So I am working with not much sleep.

I am decreasing the sale price of my home, hopefully it will sell quick and I wont be so financially strapped and can get some doc appointments.

In the back of my head I wonder how long I can work like this and when it will be time to call it quits or apply for disability. I dont think I am ready for it yet, I love my job too much.

Laying low this weekend, resting, feet up, dont care if the house is a wreck at the moment, I can clean later, just trying to take care of myself.

It is great that you are swimming... I try to do some exercise three to four times a week. Sometimes I have to forgo a week, or two... like this past couple weeks. it happens from time-to-time. Things flare-up.

I am married with no children. Although my husband is understanding, I know it gets on his nerves. We have been married for 29 years and I have been sick for about 21 or so years of our married life... It is hard on him and I try not to vent too often. A little normalcy goes along way in our household...

Don't worry about the cleaning. It will get done - sooner or later. You are not alone. Please remember that.

Take care,

Mere