[kreink]

As the title says, was a very difficult day, I ended up having to come home from work.

I have been really pushing myself hard in the last few weeks since the school year started, September is always a hectic month for teachers. Last night I got a call from my realtor that I should drop the list price on my condo, moving out of a place was very difficult for me, since I really liked the place, but it was on the third floor with stairs and I cant do stairs very well any more. So I have put it on the market and am living in a ground floor apartment, trying to stretch my paycheck to pay rent on the new place and mortgage on the old place, hoping it sells soon. Prices have dropped so much that I dont know if I will break even selling it even though I have owned it for nine years. Alot of stress to deal with.

Last year I had the blessing of having a roommate (who recently got married), every morning he had my medicine set out and breakfast made before I got up, and would help me get my stuff down the stairs to my truck and also helped me with the cooking and cleaning. Adjusting back to living alone has been difficult. My schedule also changed this year requiring me to be at work earlier than last year and getting going in the morning takes more time, but I have less to work with, what with medicine, getting my leg braces on, getting dressed etc.

I have finally gotten pain med dosages to a level that makes pain tolerable, unfortunately the 4800mg/day of Gabapentin has left me with an incontinent bowel, at least I hope its the medince and not my neuropathy. Needless to say, I have missed days because I cant get far away from the toilet and other days I am wearing a diaper hoping I dont have an accident at work. This has been pschologically devastating, but I am scared of making adjustments to pain meds and with my budget tight, I dont feel like I can afford more tests, doc visits, and more drugs.

Family support has been absent in the last couple years, everybody has family issues, mine seem to be boiling over the last couple years. I get stressed and worried about this all the time.

The one saving grace for me has been swimming, and I do this every night as it helps me with anxiety, with weight, with blood sugar control and I keep hoping I will get my legs strong enough to get out of my wheel chair at work.

Long story short, It was too much to handle today and I had an emotional breakdown, spent the better part of the mornnig in the health room lieing down while people scrambled to cover my classes. Making me feel unprofessional and incompetent. - Even though I am up till midnight grading papers most nights including last night.

My pride is bruised, I need to get in to see the doctor about my emotional health and the side effects from the Gabapentin, I am dropping the price on my condo, and they have arranged for a long term sub to cover my first period class, both a blessing and a curse since it will use up more of my sick days that I will probably need in the future.

Balancing all the stress, managing this disease, a full time job, making ends meet and finding time to just breath seems impossible lately but I dont see any solutions to the problems, accepting so much change in a short period of time has been rough.

What I need is a job situation that allows me to get up a little later so I can make it to the pool to swim at night, I need my condo to sell, even if I dont make money on it so I can stop dipping into my savings to make it to the end of the month, I need a solution to the incontinence issue, a place with 2 bedrooms on a ground floor where I can have a roommate, so If anybody has a magic wand, wave it my way, otherwise, thanks for taking the time to read, its been a rotten day and I just need to vent a bid. I feel like neuropathy has robbed me of the joy in my life and left me in a no win situation. It can be hard to see past the end of my nose and have hopes for the future when living day to day is such a struggle.